Free Republic

Mr. Language Person: Watch your language BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published 0ctober 25, 1998) At this juncture in the time parameter, we once again proudly present ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the No. 1 rated language column in the United States according to a recent J.D. Power and Associates survey of consumers with imaginary steel plates in their heads. The philosophy of this column is simple: If you do not use correct grammar, people will lose respect for you, and they will burn down your house. So let's stop beating around a dead horse and...

Lost in space BY DAVE BARRY I think I might know where the missile launcher is. I'm referring here to the $1 million missile launcher that our armed forces apparently misplaced, according to a recent audit of the U.S. government (motto: ''We Do Have a Motto, But We Don't Know Where It Is''). You might have missed the news stories about this audit, which didn't get a whole lot of media attention. Way back in 1994, Congress decided that there should be a complete audit of the entire federal government. This seemed like a good idea, since the U.S. government...

The Trojan Twinkie caper BY DAVE BARRY I'll tell you when I start to worry. I start to worry when ''officials'' tell me not to worry. This is why I am very concerned about the following Associated Press report, which was sent to me by a number of alert readers: 'RICHLAND, WASH. -- Radioactive ants, flies and gnats have been found at the Hanford nuclear complex, bringing to mind those Cold-War-era `B' horror movies in which giant mutant insects are the awful price paid for mankind's entry into the Atomic Age. Officials at the nation's most contaminated nuclear site insist...

Feeding your worst fears By DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 29, 1998.) I have received some important information via a letter from Claire Nordstrum, 13, a student in Wisconsin (state motto: "Moo"). Claire states that her science teacher told the class that "it's a proven fact that on average a person eats six spiders in a year." Another science fact this teacher revealed, according to Claire, is that "wood ticks breathe through their butts." This sounds logical to me, since if a wood tick had its whole head burrowed into your body, it wouldn't...

The rubber band man BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 3, 1997.) If you are a regular reader of this column, you know that I make it my business to report on Stuff That Guys Do. A good example is the sport of snowplow hockey, in which guys driving trucks use their snowplow blades to knock a bowling ball past trucks driven by opposing guys. This is not to be confused with car bowling, in which guys in low-flying airplanes try to drop bowling balls onto junked cars. I've also reported on guys going...

September 19th (every year) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day Tell us how ye plan t'celebrate! [All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here]   New for Talk Like A Pirate Day 2007: A Li'l Pirate's ABSeas by Ol' Chumbucket, Cap'n Slappy and Jonathan "Pilferin' Pooter" Cooke A piratical romp through the alphabet - with all that impliesRead more, and order the book!... and visit our on-line store for new T-shirt designs for 2007! Got Pirattitude? Order your copy nowFrom the Pirate Guys and Penguin's New American Library  

Does public art make sense? BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 7, 1997.) Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It-consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art. I'm the type of person who will stand in front of a certified modern masterpiece painting that looks, to the layperson, like a big black square, and quietly think: ''Maybe the actual painting is on the other side.'' I especially have a problem with modernistic sculptures, the kind where you, the layperson, cannot be sure whether you're looking at a work of art or a...

Modern medical mysteries BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 8, 1996.) We here at the Bureau of Medical Alarm hope you had a restful, carefree, fun-filled summer. But before you get back into ''the swing of things'' for fall, we'd like to take just a moment to remind you that practically everything can kill you. At the moment, we are particularly concerned about: LATEX GLOVES OF DEATH. We have here a Health Advisory issued June 27 by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (motto: ``We Have Not Yet Determined That Our Motto Is Safe'')....

Bored games BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 26, 1997.) OK, here's a nostalgia question: What childhood game does this remind you of? ''Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick.'' If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. What I'm referring to is, of course, the classic board game ''Clue,'' in which you try to solve a murder by using a logical process of deduction to narrow down the various possibilities until your sister has to go to the bathroom, at which...

Dave's field of nightmares BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 5, 2000.) When I was a boy, playing Little League baseball, I dreamed -- as most boys did back then -- of someday getting a call from the Major Leagues. ''Son,'' I dreamed the Major Leagues would tell me, ''you stink. We're kicking you out of Little League.'' I would have been grateful. I was a terrible player. I was afraid of the ball and fell down a lot, sometimes during the singing of the national anthem. So in 1960, I hung up my...

Lewis and Clark stepped here! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 14, 1997.) We went West for our summer vacation. Our idea was to follow in the footsteps of the hardy explorers Lewis and Clark, who traveled 8,000 miles through hostile, uncharted wilderness, a feat that was possible only because of their great courage and the fact that they left their children at home. Otherwise, they would have quit after maybe 200 yards. On our trip, we encountered numerous families that, after many hours together in the minivan, had reached Critical Hostility Mass. At...

The ultimate water gun BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 5, 1996.) Just when you're starting to lose hope that the younger generation will ever amount to anything; just when you're asking yourself: ''Where are the leaders of tomorrow? Where is the next John Kennedy, the next John Wayne, the next John Denver, the next John LeMasters, who attended Pleasantville High School with me and was very good at math?''; just when you're starting to think that the most significant contributions that today's young people will make to society will be in the field...

Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 6, 1994.) Recently, I got a very nice computer-generated letter from an outfit called The National Library of Poetry. ''Dear Dave,'' the letter begins. ''Over the past year or so, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has been featured in various anthologies released by other poetry publishers. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The National Library of Poetry has decided to publish a...

Standing up for snakes BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 21, 1996.) A question that more and more Americans are asking, as they become increasingly fed up with crime, is: What, exactly, are the legal rights of accused snakes? Consider the case of a snake that recently ran afoul of the law in Virginia. According to a story in the Fredericksburg, Va., Free Lance-Star, written by Keith Epps and sent in by alert reader Venetia Sims, this particular snake, a four-foot Burmese python identified only as ''a Spotsylvania County snake,'' was apprehended by an...

Great moments in science BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 16, 1997.) Settle back, because today I'm going to tell you the dramatic true story of what happened when some Japanese researchers decided to re-create the historic discovery of the law of gravity: As you recall, this discovery occurred in an English orchard in 1666, when, according to legend, Isaac Newton, the brilliant mathematician, fell out of a tree and landed on an apple. No, hold it. Upon reviewing the videotape, I see that in fact the apple fell out of the tree and...

One giant leap for frogkind BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 8, 1997.) Get ready to dance naked in the streets, because scientists have finally done something that humanity has long dreamed about, but most of us thought would never happen within our lifetimes. That's right: They have levitated a frog. I swear I am not making this up. According to an Associated Press article sent in by a number of alert readers, British and Dutch scientists ''have succeeded in floating a frog in air.'' They did this by using magnetism, which, as you...

June 15, 2007 Banning Dave Barry It's funny how things change. Well, not always, but in this case, the story involves one of America's best humor writers -- Dave Barry. There was a time when American universities were known as havens of free speech, places where controversial ideas could be expressed and discussed. Unfortunately, political correctness has crept into the halls of academia. Then it chained the doors and started duct taping the mouths of anybody who voiced unapproved opinions. One of the strangest examples comes from Marquette University in Wisconsin -- where a Dave Barry quip was banned. Last...

The perfect storm BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 9, 2000.) If you're one of the millions of people planning to travel by air this summer, here's some important information from the Association of Commercial Airlines: (Silence.) UH-oh! Apparently the airlines are unable to give us any information at this time! Probably they are experiencing thunderstorms. No institution experiences as many thunderstorms as an airline. Huge, violent clouds surround airline employees at all times. They cannot hold company picnics, because the death toll from lightning strikes would be in the hundreds. If we want...

Shooting carps in Wisconsin BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 25, 2000.) A fundamental belief held by Americans is that if you are on land, you cannot be killed by a fish. This belief has been reinforced by the Steven Spielberg movies ''Jaws,'' ''Jaws II,'' ''Jaws Goes to Porky's'' and ''Saving Private Ryan From Jaws,'' in which the only characters to die were the ones stupid enough to venture into the Atlantic Ocean, where even ankle-deep water often conceals predators the size of Winnebagos. So most Americans remain on land, believing they're safe. Unfortunately,...

Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 31, 1994.) Today's topic for married people is: coping with anger. Even so-called ''perfect couples'' experience conflict. Take Canada geese. They mate for life, so people just assume they get along well; when people see a goose couple flying overhead, honking, they say, ''Oh, that's SO romantic.'' What these people don't realize is that honking is how geese argue. (''Are you SURE we're heading north?'' ''YES, dammit.'' ''Well, I think we should ask somebody.'' ) The only reason they...