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Percentage of frogs in food jumps BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 17, 1995.) It's getting worse. When I say ''it,'' I am referring to the worldwide epidemic of frogs showing up in food, which I documented recently, describing two worldwide incidents, one involving a frog baked onto a pretzel, and the other involving a frog in a frozen Chicken Cantonese dinner. When I say ''is getting worse,'' I'm referring to a shocking new development that occurred recently in Orange, Calif., according to a superb story in the Orange County Register, written by Lori...

Welcome to "Ask Mister Language Person," written by the foremost leading world authority on the proper grammatorical usagality of English, both orally and in the form of words. In this award-winning column, which appears nocturnally, we answer the grammar and vocabulary questions that are on the minds of many Americans just before they pass out. Today, as is our wont, we begin with our first question: Q. You have a wont? A. Yes, but we comb our hair such that you cannot see it. Q. With regards to the old spiritual song, "Gwine Jump Down, Turn Around, Pick a Bale...

Mind your P's and Q's and teas BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 15, 1998.) Recently, I took part in a High Tea, which is a ritualistic British type of light meal involving a large quantity of etiquette. Generally, I do not get involved with any level of tea, even Low Tea. Generally, when I am in the market for an afternoon beverage ritual, the one I select is Cold Beer. But in this case I had High Tea, because I was invited by famous etiquette expert Marjabelle Young Stewart, who is on a...

HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: DRINK LIQUOR Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance,...

Loose lips sink sequels BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 31, 1998.) I finally finished the script for the sequel to the movie ''Titanic.'' I am calling it -- and let the legal record show that I thought of this first -- ``Titanic II: The Sequel.'' I am darned proud of this script. I have been working on it, without sleeping or eating, except for two grilled cheese sandwiches, for the better part of the last 35 minutes. I realize that sounds like a lot of work, but bear in mind that writer/director James...

Today's topic is: The Art of Cooking BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 11, 1998.) Cooking was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first, the other tribe members were angry at Woog, but then, as the aroma of burning meat filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw. Yes, cooking can be hazardous. I learned this lesson...

The right to bear cubs DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 24, 1998.) Every now and then somebody thinks up a new idea that is so totally revolutionary that it just totally revolutionizes everything. For example, in 1905 Albert Einstein stunned the scientific community when he announced that ''e'' is equal to ''mc squared.'' Until that point, scientists had no idea what ''e'' was equal to. Oh, sure, they had known since the days of the ancient Egyptians that ''e'' came after ''i,'' except when both letters were preceded by a ''c.'' But nobody had...

Science: It's just not fair BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 22, 1998.) TODAY'S TOPIC FOR YOUNG PEOPLE IS: How To Do A School Science Fair Project. So your school is having a science fair! Great! The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you. Ha-ha! No, seriously, although a science fair can seem like a big ''pain,'' it can help you understand important scientific principles, such as Newton's First Law of Inertia, which states: 'A body at rest...

If you go to the game, you'll miss the show By DAVE BARRY It's Super Bowl Sunday at last. Finally -- after all the hype, all the parties, all the talk -- we will get to see what the Super Bowl is really, in the end, all about: the TV commercials. There will be a lot of them, because the total Super Bowl broadcast package runs longer than the administration of the late Gerald Ford, having begun two weeks ago with the pre -pre -pre -pre-pre-pre-pre-pregame show (Peyton Manning: The Early Bowel Movements). You will not want to miss a...

Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl visitors! You are going to have a wonderful time, from the moment you arrive in our magical city, until the moment you discover that your wallet is missing. I'm kidding! You'll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that Miami is a terrific place, despite the criticisms you may have heard from ignorant yokel blowhards who shall remain nameless, such as U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo.

Road warrior specials BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 1, 1996.) Here's the problem: If you stop 100 people at random and ask them to evaluate their driving ability, every single one will say, ``above average.'' It is a scientific fact that all drivers, including those who are going the wrong way on interstate highways, believe they are above average. Obviously, this is impossible: Some drivers have to be below average. Not me, of course. I am currently ranked fourth among the top drivers in world history, between Mario Andretti and Spartacus. But there...

24 Here is where we stand: The federal government finally brought Jack Bauer back from China, where he spent two brutal years having makeup artists apply fake scars to his back. It goes without saying that the government brought him back for the sole purpose of getting him killed by terrorists, who are setting off bombs in various cities, including (surprise!) Los Angeles. Jack escaped by ripping out a terrorist's throat with his teeth (meaning, Jack's teeth) (at least we assume those were Jack's teeth) and immediately -- without even stopping to floss -- Jack set out to inform the...

Where's the beef? (low fat) BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 3, 1996.) Recently, a reader named Jim Cornell sent me a postcard with a picture of insects on it, posing an interesting question. (No, the insects were not posing a question. As far as I know.) Jim stated that he, like every other American above the age of 4, is on a low-fat diet, and he noted that we have become basically a non-fat nation. This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being ''low-fat'' or...

There is nothing like a male (guys) By DAVE BARRY This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 12, 1996. Today we present another part of our ongoing series, ''Stuff That Guys Do.'' Our first example of guys doing stuff comes from the University of Washington Daily, which recently published a report written by Jeremy Simer and sent in by alert reader Donna Bellinger, headlined, ''Fraternity Game Turns Into Arrest.'' What happened, according to this report, was that some guys were up on the roof of the Theta Delta Chi fraternity house, and, as guys will do when they...

If you can tip $17,000, this is the island for you BY DAVE BARRY If you're looking to visit a Caribbean island that you cannot possibly afford, I highly recommend St. Barthélemy. St. Barthélemy -- more commonly called ''St. Barts,'' or ''St. Barth,'' or ''The Land of Naked French People'' -- is a tiny exclusive island located in the Caribbean island chain known as the Lesser Antilles, which also includes Anguilla, Antigua, Begonia, Barbuda, Saba, Simba, Bomba, Rhumba, Gazebo, Madagascar, St. Kitts and the Dave Clark Five. (I may be making some of these islands up; there is no way...

The year in review: From Pelosi to Pitt, perverts to Paris, Dave Barry offers a last laugh BY DAVE BARRY It was a momentous year, a year of events that will echo in the annals of history the way a dropped plate of calamari echoes in an Italian restaurant with a tile floor. Decades from now, our grandchildren will come to us and say, ''Tell us, Grandpa or Grandma as the case may be, what it was like to be alive in the year that Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears and Katie whatshername all had babies, although...

Revolt of the rodents BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 10, 1995.) Once again, we are forced to ask ourselves, as a society, whether nature should be legal. Consider a story from the June 22 Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader, written by Paul Tracy and sent in by alert reader Arnie Alpert. This story states that on June 20 a Laconia, N.H., police officer was called to the municipal water-treatment facility in response to -- and as you read this column, please bear in mind that I am not making any of these newspaper quotations...

Pretty funny, even if you have to look at Donna Shalala. Here's the video link: http://streaming.miami.edu:8080/ramgen/commencement/smil/commencement-12142006-1000am-barry.smil Must have RealPlayer to view it, unfortunately.

A mutant tree all aglow BY DAVE BARRY This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 14, 1997. Tis that special time of year, The Holiday Retail Purchasing Season, a time when we traditionally print heartwarming human-interest stories designed to make you feel better about running up a level of debt normally associated with Mexico. I have such a heartwarming story, which was published by The London Times and sent in by alert reader John Nicholls. The story, which I am not making up, concerns a man named Neil from Devon, England, who discovered an owl nesting in his...

DAVE BARRY'S ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE What's behind Santa's Ho-Ho-Ho Holiday gift-giving is a tradition that dates back roughly 2,006 years, to when the Three Wise Men went to Bethlehem with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the Baby Jesus. Of course the next day the Virgin Mary returned these items for store credit, because she was a low-income mother with a newborn, and as the old saying goes, ''You can't diaper a baby with frankincense.'' But it was too late: The Three Wise Men had started a tradition. And in keeping with that tradition, this holiday season millions of...