HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY (humor)

Teh Intarweb ^ | Unknown Date | Some Guy

[martin_fierro]

HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

DRINK LIQUOR

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture.

People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

MAKE THINGS UP

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead:

"The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say:

"This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

USE MEANINGLESS BUT WEIGHTY-SOUNDING WORDS AND PHRASES

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-à-vis
Per se
As it were


Qua
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say,"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say:

"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-à-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.

USE SNAPPY AND IRRELEVANT COMEBACKS

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say:	As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says:	Lincoln died in 1865.
You say:	You're begging the question.
You say:	Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says:	Liberia is in Africa.
You say:	You're being defensive.

So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

[Mr_Moonlight]

It's hard to disagree with that primer, but have you also considered ................. ?

[labette]

So YOU'RE the guy that's been training 'em, eh?

[cripplecreek]

Thank you! We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view, you ridiculous little carnival freak. I suggest you hone your writing skills before applying borrowed glories as a mere typist.

If your brain matter was axle grease, there wouldn't be enough in your head to grease the dynamo on a lightening bug's ass. Clearly, the full area of your ignorance is not yet mapped. We are presently only exploring the fringes of that vast expanse. However, I'll consider letting you have the last word if you guarantee it will be your last. I suggest you need Mark Twain's advice; "It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."

You have that certain nothing. Truly, you are about as interesting as watching a slug move slowly across a large rock. There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet, or, better yet, suicide. Maybe you wouldn't be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if you'd had enough oxygen at birth; if your weren't so fat that when you run, you make the CD player skip at the radio station, or if you didn't have a face that makes Medusa look like a supermodel. No, come to think of it, you would.

In closing, I helpfully suggest that you support your local Search & Rescue Unit, and get lost.

[martin_fierro]

?

[TADSLOS]

Wow, I can use these tips on the next "ALL RUDY, ALL THE TIME" thread!

[Mr. Brightside]

I have tried the "Make Things Up" method with people on this forum.

But it doesn't work so well when they are only on click away from a Google search.

[Jaysun]

That's funny.

In all seriousness, the favorite tactic of the left is to make up a motive for their opponent and then attack the motive. For example:

"it's really just for the oil"
"They're doing this to help their rich pals."
"they just hate poor (or old, or black, or gay, or whatever) people."

They do this even when their opponents have made their motivations abundantly clear. Nobody seems to notice this, or care.

[martin_fierro]

lolz

[Mr. Brightside]

I suggest you need Mark Twain's advice; "It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."

Or the other one, "Never argue with a fool because people will not be able to tell the difference between the two."

[cripplecreek]

Random insult generator werks for me.

[patton]

I think he was trying to tell you something.

[Mr. Brightside]

>>>Random insult generator werks for me.<<<

Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Man: Well, I was told outside that...

Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

Man: What?

Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!

Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!

Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

[Publius6961]

You forgot a very popular current one:

Say that "the bicycle was invented by a one-legged chicken in the Hejaz region of Saudi Arabia in the early 7th century" and you'll be laughed out of the room in disgrace.

However...

If you said.
"the bicycle was invented by a one-legged chicken in the Hejaz region of Saudi Arabia in the early 7th century; that's a fact!"

You'll be the toast of the soiree, and your wisdom will be filed right alongside Richard Feynman and Albert Einstein.

A very popular grammar school tool in FR these days.

[Barnacle]

LOL! Thanks for the laugh.

[ansel12]

"the bicycle was invented by a one-legged chicken in the Hejaz region of Saudi Arabia in the early 7th century; that's a fact!"




My favorite one on FR is:

"the bicycle WAS invented by a one-legged chicken in the Hejaz region of Saudi Arabia in the early 7th century; END OF STORY!"

[Choose Ye This Day]

USE MEANINGLESS BUT WEIGHTY-SOUNDING WORDS AND PHRASES

Such as:

"Ergo...concordently...vis-a-vis"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra5-H9ZBS1U

[GoldCountryRedneck]

Add: "Well, among MY circle of friends....." ;)

[Daffynition]

Funny post. It made me smile.

[ThomasThomas]

The "Hejaz region of Saudi Arabia" did not discover chickens until the 9th century, if you read my book you would know that.