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Quibbles with The Gobbler BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 5, 1995.) We are approaching the Thanksgiving holiday, when we pause to reflect on our blessings by eating pretty much nonstop for an entire day, then staggering off to bed, still chewing, with wads of stuffing clinging to our hair. It's a spiritual time, yes, but it can also be a tragic time if an inadequately cooked turkey gives us salmonella poisoning, which occurs when tiny turkey-dwelling salmon get into our blood, swim upstream and spawn in our brains (this is probably what happened...

Sour grapes and mud BY DAVE BARRY This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 24, 1997. Recently, I spent several days touring the California wine country, and I must say that it was a wonderful experience that I will remember until long after I get this mud out of my ears. I'll explain the mud in a moment, but first I should explain that the wine country is an area near San Francisco that is abundantly blessed with the crucial natural ingredient that you need to have a successful wine country: tourists. There are thousands and thousands of...

Warm and fuzzy cold war memories BY DAVE BARRY Back in 1954, when the Russians were evil and I was a first-grader at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., the school authorities regularly conducted emergency drills wherein we students practiced protecting ourselves from nuclear attack by crouching under our desks. We'd hunker down there until Mrs. Hart gave us the word that the nuclear war was over, then we'd crawl back out and resume reading about the fascinating adventures of Dick and Jane. (''Ha!'' said Dick. ''Ha ha!'' said Jane. ''Ha ha ha!'' said Dick. ''Ha ha ha ha'' ......

The funny side of `Beowulf' BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 2, 1997.) I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. I try to help my son, Rob, with his schooling, but over the years this has become more difficult. Back when he was dealing with basic educational issues such as why the sky is blue and what a duck says, I always knew the correct answers (''It doesn't matter'' and ''Moo''). But when Rob got into...

Holy heat wave, Batman! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 20, 1998.) One evening, my wife mentioned, casually, that she had been talking to the son of one of her friends, a little boy named Alexander, about his upcoming fourth birthday. ''Alexander says he's having a Batman party,'' my wife said. ''Hm,'' I said. ''So I told him that maybe Batman would come to the party,'' my wife said. ''Hm,'' I said. My wife said nothing then. She just looked at me. Suddenly, I knew who was going to be Batman. I was...

Abs-olute madness BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 30, 1996.) What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight. Most of us didn't even realize we had stomach muscles; the only people who ever actually saw them were courageous surgeons willing to cut through fat layers the thickness of the Cleveland white pages. I'm not saying we weren't in shape; I'm just saying we had a different concept of...

Beware of brainy bugs BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 25, 1996.) Today's science topic is: Insect Intelligence. I don't know about you, but I've always taken comfort in the idea that insects are stupid. For example, if I'm outdoors and a bee lands on me and starts walking around on my head -- causing me to turn rigid with fear, terrified that, if I move, the bee will become angry and sting me in the eyeball -- I've always reassured myself by thinking: ``This bee does not wish to harm me! Its...

Dave's in a sorry state BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 1, 1999.) Most Americans are pitifully ignorant of geography. This was clearly demonstrated recently when the Gallup Organization sent its pollsters to Chicago to ask randomly selected residents if they could name at least three of the six major continents. The results were shocking: Most of the pollsters never found Chicago at all; of those who did, all but one fell into the Chicago River. Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident of American geographical ignorance. Just last month, the major U.S....

The frog plague: The inside story BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 7, 1999.) I'm wondering if any of you readers out there have noticed any suspicious behavior on the part of frogs. I ask because the ones at my house are definitely up to something. I live in South Florida, which has a hot, moist, armpit-like climate that is very favorable for life in general. Everything down here is either already alive or about to be. You could leave your toaster out on your lawn overnight, and by morning it would have...

If she had a hammer BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 23, 2000.) So my wife and I are preparing for childbirth. When I say, ''my wife and I,'' I, of course, mean ''my wife.'' She will be the most directly involved. On behalf of all men, I just want to take a moment here to get down on my knees and thank whoever invented our current biological system, under which the woman's job is to have the baby somehow go from the inside of her body to the outside of her body,...

Keeping an eye on crime BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 14, 2000.) It's time for True Crime Blotter, the feature in which we examine reports of actual crimes to see if they reveal important underlying truths about our society (no). We begin with a shocking crime that either was or was not committed in Springfield, Ill., according to an article from the State Journal-Register sent in by many alert readers. This article states that a man told police that a neighbor ``may have switched glass eyeballs with him.'' The man claimed that...

Camping and Lewis and Clark BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on April 7, 1996.) Now that it's warmed up, I'm thinking about camping. Don't misunderstand me: I'm not thinking about actually going camping, in the sense of venturing outdoors and turning my body into an All-U-Can-Eat buffet for insects. I'm just thinking about camping. What got me on this topic is a book I'm reading, called ''Undaunted Courage,'' by Stephen E. Ambrose, about the ultimate camping trip: the Lewis and Clark expedition. If you're a product of the U.S. educational system, you no doubt...

When in Iowa, don't forget to duck By Dave Barry (This classic DAVE BARRY column was originally published on Aug. 20, 1995.) If you're looking for a vacation travel destination that blends excitement with huge amounts of corn, I strongly recommend Iowa. I recently spent a few days there, and I can honestly say that it was comparable to experiences I've had in sophisticated, prestige travel destinations such as Paris, in the sense that I was not once engulfed by hog manure. I was concerned about this, however. The second day I was in Iowa, the top story on the...

Junior takes the wheel BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 8, 1995.) My son is learning to drive. This terrifies me. He's 4 years old. Well, OK, technically he's 15. But from the perspective of the aging parent, there is no major difference between 4 and 15, except that when your child is 4, his motoring privileges are restricted to little toy Fisher-Price vehicles containing little toy Fisher-Price people who are unlikely (although I would not totally rule it out in America) to sue you. Whereas when your child turns 15, the state of...

Growing old with Dave BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 3, 1995.) Call me a wild and crazy guy if you want, but recently, on a whim, I decided to -- why not? -- turn 48. It's not so bad. Physically, the only serious problem I've noticed is that I can no longer read anything printed in letters smaller than Shaquille O'Neal. Also, to read a document, I have to hold it far from my face; more and more, I find myself holding documents -- this is awkward on airplanes -- with my...

Sites for sore eyes BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 2, 1996.) Once again, it's summer vacation time -- time to lock up the house, load the kids into the car, fill the tank with gas, then decide which one of the kids you should sell to pay for the gas, because it's very expensive this year. Now you're all set! To guarantee that it's the ''vacation of a lifetime,'' I've prepared a special itinerary just for you, featuring a set of unique attractions that I swear I am not making up. You'll...

Beware of sheep droppings BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 16, 1996.) Call me paranoid, but my first reaction, upon learning about the dead sheep being found in treetops in New Zealand, was that something unusual was going on. I found out about this thanks to alert reader Steven Moe, who sent me an article from The Press of Christchurch, concerning ''the discovery of several dead sheep high in the trees of Tunnicliffe Forest.'' Right away, I said to myself, ''Hmm.'' I base this statement on the well-known fact that sheep are not...

Mr. Peabrain's Misadventures BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 26, 1996.) I am feeling great, and I will tell you why. It's because of this article I read recently that said ... um ... it said ... OK, wait just a minute while I get out this article. ... OK, here it is: According to this article, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania did a study showing that, as males -- but not females -- get older, their brains shrink. Was I ever relieved to read that! I thought it was just me!...

Ireland, land of Bad Elvis BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 6, 1995.) I recently spent a week in Ireland, and I can honestly say that I have never been to any place in the world where it's so easy to partake of the local culture, by which I mean beer. Ireland also contains history, nice people, enormous quantities of scenery and a rich cultural heritage, including (more on this later) Elvis. Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. It consists mostly of scenic...

When they're out to get you, keep cool BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on July 16, 1995.) Recently, I was in my office, with a lot to do, including write a column, when I got a phone call informing me that the electric company had cut off my power. Years ago, I would have responded to this petty annoyance with a pointless, immature outburst of anger. But since then I have learned that stress management is vital to health. So I hung up the phone, took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, then punched my...