Free Republic

Q. When am I going to get my electricity back? A. The latest statement from Florida Power & Light is that ``we expect to have all power in Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties fully restored by, at the very latest, Easter.'' Q. How are the levees holding up? A. We spoke to a spokesperson for the South Florida Levee Authority (SFLA), who assured us that South Florida does not have any levees, but if we did, they would definitely be in bad shape.

The 'haves' know what NASDAQ is; the 'have-nots' are eating yak BY DAVE BARRY (This classic DAVE BARRY column was originally published on May 21, 2000.) What lies ahead for the U.S. economy? Will it remain strong? Or will it collapse? Will all the Internet billionaires go broke and be forced to use their Palm Pilots to kill rats for food? Wouldn't that be great? To answer these questions, we need to understand how the U.S. economy works. We'll start by following an imaginary dollar bill on its fascinating journey as it circulates through our economic system: Our dollar is...

Wrestling rulebook overlooks subtle 'flagpole' maneuver BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on July 18, 1999) If there's one question that troubles every thinking person, it's this: Does cheating go on in professional wrestling? In an effort to find an answer, I recently attended a tournament sanctioned by Florida Championship Wrestling. I chose FCW for two solid journalistic reasons: --It is a venerable circuit in the ''minor leagues'' of professional wrestling, where the potential stars of tomorrow learn the ground rules, the ''do's and don't's,'' that make up the ethical standards of the sport. --It...

Guys and electric guitars go together BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on July 26, 1998.) I got a call from a guy I know named Carl. It was a cry for help. Carl is a successful man in his 40s, but sometimes even successful people, when they are in need, have to reach out to their friends, and I am proud to consider Carl a friend, even though for my 50th birthday he gave me some kind of reptile egg, which thank God never hatched. It took some effort for Carl to overcome his...

Babies and restaurants are the Chernobyl of parenting BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on July 30, 2000.) If you're a new parent, there will come a time when either you or your spouse will say these words: ``Let's take the baby to a restaurant!'' Now, to a normal, sane person, this statement is absurd. It's like saying: ``Let's take a moose to the opera!'' But neither you nor your spouse will see anything inappropriate about the idea of taking your baby to a restaurant. This is because, as new parents, you are experiencing a...

My son's college apartment has a pleasant pepperoni motif BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 21, 1999.) So I visited my son at college on Parents Weekend, which is a nice event that colleges hold so that parents will have a chance to feel old. I started feeling old the moment I got to my son's housing unit and saw a sign on the door that said: END WORLD HUNGER TODAY. This reminded me that there was a time in my life, decades ago, when I was so full of energy that I...

In a battle of wits with kitchen appliances, I'm toast BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 27, 2000.) Recently, The Washington Post printed an article explaining how the appliance manufacturers plan to drive consumers insane. Of course, they don't SAY they want to drive us insane. What they SAY they want to do is have us live in homes where ''all appliances are on the Internet, sharing information'' and appliances will be ''smarter than most of their owners.'' For example, the article states, you would have a home where the dishwasher ''can be...

Sep. 11, 2005 Blood, sweat and beers BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 14, 1989.) OK, this is it. The last day of the Red Cross blood drive at work. Either I'm going to do it, or, for the umpteenth consecutive time, I'm going to chicken out. All the smart money is on chicken out. I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if God had wanted us to have direct access to our bloodstream, He would have equipped our...

Sep. 04, 2005 We're just a few dinosaurs short of a full tank BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on April 16, 2000.) If you've been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked by the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even $1.92. And that's just for Hostess Twinkies. Gas prices are even worse. Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights are being violated! The First Amendment clearly states: 'In addition to freedom of speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline prices, so they can drive around in `sport...

Sit and listen to Uncle Dave BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 22, 1993.) Summer vacation is almost over, so today Uncle Dave has a special back-to-school ''pep talk'' for you young people, starting with these heartfelt words of encouragement: HA HA HA YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND UNCLE DAVE DOESN'T NEENER NEENER NEENER. Seriously, young people, I have some important back-to-school advice for you, and I can boil it down to four simple words: ``Study Your Mathematics.'' I say this in light of a recent alarming Associated Press story...

From here on, let women kill their own spiders BY DAVE BARRY Aug. 21, 2005 (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 14, 1999.) From time to time, I receive letters from a certain group of individuals that I will describe, for want of a better term, as ''women.'' I have such a letter here, from a Susie Walker, of North Augusta, S.C., who asks the following question: 'Why do men open a drawer and say, `Where is the spatula?' Instead of, you know, looking for it?'' This question expresses a commonly held (by women) negative stereotype...

Yo, Ho, Ho And Rum Based Beverages BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 30, 2000.) I am a hearty seafaring type of individual, so recently I spent a week faring around the sea aboard the largest cruise ship in the world that has not yet hit an iceberg. It is called the Voyager, and it weighs 140,000 tons, which is approximately the amount I ate in desserts alone. The Voyager sails out of Miami every week carrying 3,200 passengers determined to relax or die trying. The ship has (I am not making any...

Posted on Thu, Aug. 04, 2005 School on Aug. 8? Are they insane? BY DAVE BARRY Here's a multiple-choice test: When should the school year start? A. Sometime around Sept. 1, when most of the United States of America has started school for many decades. B. On Aug. 8 -- also known as ''smack dab in the middle of summer'' -- when the average Florida classroom is roughly the same temperature as a pizza oven. If you answered ''A,'' you are correct. If you answered ''B,'' you are an official of Miami-Dade or Broward public schools. These officials have decided...

The hidden life of dogs BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Dec. 12, 1993.) I want to talk about the hidden lives of my dogs. Until recently, I wasn't aware that my dogs had hidden lives. There were many times, such as when they'd take turns repeatedly eating a deceased lizard and throwing it back up, when I wasn't even sure they had brains. Then I got ''The Hidden Life of Dogs,'' the best-selling book by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas, who has some astounding insights into dog behavior. For example, in an effort to find...

Yep, I'm a ragtop man BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 23, 1997.) I got a convertible. Now I know what you're going to say. You're going to say: ``Dave, you pathetic fool, you're 49 and you're having a midlife crisis. Trade that thing in immediately and get a car more suitable for a person your age, such as a 1910 Hupmobile with air bags.'' No, darn it! I LOVE my convertible! I've ALWAYS WANTED a convertible! For 33 years I've been driving boring cars, starting with my mom's Plymouth Valiant, which was...

Jul. 24, 2005 Answering television's call one juicy arachnid at a time By Dave Barry (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on March 18, 1990.) (Dave would like to note for the record that he wrote this column more than 10 YEARS before anybody ever thought of ''Fear Factor.'' ) There comes a time in the life of every American citizen when Duty calls. ''Hey! YOU!!'' are Duty's exact words, and unless you're some kind of flag-desecrating pervert, you're going to stand up, as Americans have stood up for more than 200 years, and you're going to say,...

He can drive any truck named Tonka BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 13, 1999.) As a man, I believe that, every now and then, a man should do something manly. So when I got invited to the North Texas Earthmoving Field Day, my manly reaction was: ``HECK yes.'' The North Texas Earthmoving Field Day is a very manly annual event organized by the Texas Engineering Extension Service (TEEX), which is a member of the Texas A&M University System. The Earthmoving Field Day is a massive gathering of big, studly machines of the...

Winning the big butt games BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 28, 1994.) ------ Guess what: Americans are too fat. This fact was discovered recently by a panel of concerned experts and reported extensively in the news media, as though it were a shocking revelation. The truth, of course, is that we Americans already know we have a weight problem. We notice it every time we get out of the shower and look in the bathroom mirror and see our head sitting on top of what appears to be a towel-clad manatee. We...

Jul. 03, 2005 Anyone got a light? Jul. 03, 2005 BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 25, 1995.) Everybody loves a backyard barbecue. For some reason, food just seems to taste better when it has been cooked outdoors, where flies can lay eggs on it. But there's nothing worse -- and I include the Great Depression in that statement -- than trying to set fire to a pile of balky charcoal. (For those of you who actually went through the Great Depression and are offended by the previous sentence, let me state, in...

You don't wanna know what's under his hood BY DAVE BARRY Jun. 26, 2005 (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on April 25, 1999.) I may be 51 years old, but, darn it, I'm still a ''rock and roll kind of animal.'' So when a friend named Gene offered me some tickets to a Beach Boys concert, I jumped at the chance. As a result, I strained my back and had to lie down for six days. But after the pain subsided I was very excited, because I'm a huge Beach Boys fan. I'll never forget the first...