Free Republic

Watch where you stick that light saber, pal BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 2, 1999. ) It's coming! Put your ear to the page and listen ... BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM-bom! Bom bom bom BOM bom! Bom bom bom bom ... That's right: It's the theme from ''Star Wars,'' the movie series that gave the world a whole new lexicon, including such phrases as ''the Force,'' ''Death Star,'' ''light saber,'' ''lexicon'' and ``licensed merchandise.'' ''Star Wars'' has become an important and cherished part of our shared cultural heritage, like Starbucks and...

READY TO WEAR BY DAVE BARRY ( This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sunday, May 7, 1995) TODAY'S TOPIC IS: Fashion Tips for Men. This topic was suggested by a letter from John Cog of Norfolk, Va. Here's the entire text: "How come when I'm standing in front of a full-length mirror with nothing on but socks, white socks look OK, but dark- colored socks make me look cheap and sleazy?" This letter was passed along to me by my Research Department, Judi Smith, who attached a yellow stick-on note that says: "This is true." Judi did...

The nose knows BY DAVE BARRY May. 29, 2005 (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 5, 1998.) Of all the human senses -- sight, hearing, touch, taste, and the feeling that a huge man with a barbecue fork is lurking in the closet -- perhaps the least appreciated, yet most important, is our sense of smell. How does our sense of smell work? The simplest way to explain it without doing any research is as follows: Every living thing -- animals, plants, cheese, magazine advertisements, etc. -- is constantly giving off tiny invisible pieces of itself,...

Playing dead BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 19, 1995.) My advice to you, if you ever get invited to play the part of a corpse in an opera, is: Ask questions. Here are some that I would suggest: 1. Does the plot of this opera call for the corpse to get shoved halfway off a bed headfirst by people shrieking in Italian? 2. If so, is this corpse wearing a nightgown-style garment that could easily get bunched up around the corpse's head if the corpse finds itself in an inverted position with...

Lemon Harangue BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 21, 1990.) TODAY'S CONSUMER TOPIC IS: How to Buy a Car. The First Rule of Car-Buying is one that I learned long ago from my father, namely: Never buy any car that my father would buy. He had an unerring instinct for picking out absurd cars, cars that were clearly intended as industrial pranks, cars built by workers who had to be blindfolded to prevent them from laughing so hard at the product that they accidentally shot rivets into each other. For example, my father...

Mr. Language Person: True Quotations By DAVE BARRY >(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Dec. 13, 1992.) It's time once again for ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the only language column that is endorsed by both the American Association of English Professors AND Cher. This column presents answers to common reader questions about grammar, vocabulary, punctualization, and, when they are in season, metaphors. These questions are not ''made up.'' They are authentic re-enactments of actual questions taken from police files. Q: What is the correct grammatical usage of ``being as how''? A: This is an adenoidal phrase that...

Soccer, Haitian style -- C'est La Guerre! BY DAVE BARRY May 1, 2005 (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on March 14, 1999.) We live in troubled and uncertain times, but I am feeling good -- about myself; about my homeland; about all the nations of the earth; and, yes, about future of humanity. And I will tell you why: I am on painkillers. I got them from my doctor, Curt. Curt is a great doctor, probably the greatest doctor who ever lived, and I will tell you why: He gave me these painkillers. These are some STRONG...

Open mouth, insert backhoe BY DAVE BARRY Apr. 24, 2005 (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Dec. 20, 1998.) I was feeling pretty good when I went to see Stanley. Stanley is my dentist. I chose him because he meets the American Dental Association's single most important criterion for selecting a dental-care professional: He looks exactly like Willie Nelson. If Stanley put on a headband and got on stage at a country-music concert, the audience members would absolutely believe that he WAS Willie Nelson, except that instead of telling them not to let their babies grow up...

How to make sushi BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 29, 1998.) Today's culinary topic is: How to make sushi. I happen to be an expert on this topic because I recently put in a stint as a chef at an actual sushi restaurant. (One of the first things you learn, as a sushi chef, is how to put in a stint.) Before I give you the details, I should explain, for the benefit of those of you who live in remote wilderness regions such as Iowa, what sushi is. Basically, it is...

A watchdog never drops his guard -- except during dessert BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 6, 1999.) Today's topic is: Home Security. Recently, my wife and I went to the home of some friends for a dinner party involving three couples and numerous pets. Our hosts are fond of animals: They have a big herd of turtles living in a decorative pond outside, and three dogs patrolling inside. Actually, one of the dogs is only slightly more mobile than a shrub; he's around 47,000 years old in dog years and totally blind....

Beauty and the Beast BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 1, 1998.) If you're a man, at some point a woman will ask you how she looks. ''How do I look?'' she'll ask. You must be careful how you answer this question. The best technique is to form an honest yet sensitive opinion, then collapse on the floor with some kind of fatal seizure. Trust me, this is the easiest way out. Because you will never come up with the right answer. The problem is that women generally do not think of their...

DECAF POOPACINO HAPPENS Posted on Sun, Mar. 27, 2005 DAVE BARRY [This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on March 21, 1999.] I have exciting news for anybody who would like to pay a lot of money for coffee that has passed all the way through an animal's digestive tract. And you just know there are plenty of people who would. Specialty coffees are very popular these days, attracting millions of consumers, every single one of whom is standing in line ahead of me whenever I go to the coffee place at the airport to grab a quick cup...

Another road hog with too much oink BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on March 21, 1999.) If there's one thing this nation needs, it's bigger cars. That's why I'm excited that Ford is coming out with a new mound o' metal that will offer consumers even more total road-squatting mass than the current leader in the humongous-car category, the popular Chevrolet Suburban Subdivision -- the first passenger automobile designed to be, right off the assembly line, visible from the moon. I don't know what the new Ford will be called. Probably something like the...

The gravity of being overweight BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Oct. 29, 1995.) I am pleased to report that we finally have a scientific explanation for why everybody in the world is gaining weight. At least I am, and I know it's not my fault. Granted, I do not have the best dietary habits. Sometimes in a restaurant I will order fried, fatty foods (''Give me a plate of fried, fatty foods, and hurry'' are my exact words). But I compensate for this by engaging in a strict exercise regimen of vigorously pounding...

The male perspective on (ugh) commitment BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 25, 1991.) Today, in our continuing series on How Guys Think, we address the painful issue of: Why Guys Won't Make Commitments. The fundamental question is: How can a guy say he's ''not ready'' to make a permanent commitment to a woman with whom he is obviously compatible; a woman with whom he has been intimate for years; a woman who once drove HIS dog to the veterinarian in HER new car when it (the dog) started regurgitating violently after eating...

Dog spit and baldness: A hair-raising discovery BY DAVE BARRY Feb. 27, 2005 (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 4, 1997.) Our topic today, on Breakthroughs in Medicine, is: New Hope From Dog Spit. I have here some very exciting scientific correspondence from William B. Yancey, M.D., who is a medical doctor and therefore legally allowed to (1) park anywhere; (2) give shots; (3) tell people to get naked; and (4) make scientific observations. Dr. Yancey wrote to me about an observation that he scientifically made regarding his Labrador retriever, who is named Refrigerator. Refrigerator recently...

Good for whatever ails you BY DAVE BARRY Feb. 20, 2005 (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 21, 1998.) Recently, I was lying on the sofa and watching my favorite TV show, which is called, ''Whatever Is on TV When I'm Lying on the Sofa.'' I was in a good mood until the commercial came on. It showed an old man (and when I say ''old man,'' I mean ''a man who is maybe eight years older than I am'') helping his grandson learn to ride a bicycle. I was watching this, wondering what product was...

Survival of mankind rides on the successful pickup line BY DAVE BARRY [This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 26, 1999.] So I was at this party, and I wound up at a table where three attractive single women were complaining about - Surprise! - men. Specifically, they were complaining about the pickup lines that had been used on them in a bar a few nights earlier. One woman said: ''This guy comes up to me and says, 'Are you a teacher?' I mean, is that supposed to be romantic?'' All three women rolled all six of...

Home safety: The jarring truth BY DAVE BARRY Feb.6, 2005 (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Feb. 18,1990.) Today's Practical Homemaker Topic is: Useful Cooking Tips and Hints. Cooking is one of the major cultural achievements, along with golf, that separate human beings from animals. Animals don't cook. When they encounter something that might be food, they just snork it down. My editor's dog, Clementine, once ate aquarium gravel without even heating it up. Some scientists believe that ants might cook. The reasoning here is that if you look at the kinds of culinary treasures that worker...

I’ve never before used a long quote from anyone who has, in Dave Barry’s words, the IQ of a kumquat. But there are exceptions to every rule. The following appeared on an exceptionally paranoid website known as the Democratic Underground. See for yourselves that this quote is typical of DU. "The Iraq vote is making me sick this morning "All the media keeps talking about is how happy the Iraqis are, how high turnout was, and how ‘freedom’ has spread to Iraq. I had to turn off CNN because they kept focusing on the so-called ‘voters’ and barely mentioned the...