We need bigger motorcycles.
Posted on 03/20/2005 9:05:14 AM PST by nuconvert
Another road hog with too much oink
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on March 21, 1999.)
If there's one thing this nation needs, it's bigger cars. That's why I'm excited that Ford is coming out with a new mound o' metal that will offer consumers even more total road-squatting mass than the current leader in the humongous-car category, the popular Chevrolet Suburban Subdivision -- the first passenger automobile designed to be, right off the assembly line, visible from the moon.
I don't know what the new Ford will be called. Probably something like the ''Ford Untamed Wilderness Adventure.'' In the TV commercials, it will be shown splashing through rivers, charging up rocky mountainsides, swinging on vines, diving off cliffs, racing through the surf and fighting giant sharks hundreds of feet beneath the ocean surface -- all the daredevil things that cars do in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, where nobody ever drives on an actual road.
In fact, the interstate highways in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, having been abandoned by humans, are teeming with deer, squirrels, birds and other wildlife species that have fled from the forest to avoid being run over by nature-seekers in multi-ton vehicles barreling through the underbrush at 50 mph.
In the real world, of course, nobody drives Sport Utility Vehicles in the forest, because when you have paid upward of $40,000 for a transportation investment, the last thing you want is squirrels pooping on it. No, if you want a practical ''off-road'' vehicle, you get yourself a 1973 American Motors Gremlin, which combines the advantage of not being worth worrying about with the advantage of being so ugly that poisonous snakes flee it in terror.
In the real world, what people mainly do with their Sport Utility Vehicles, as far as I can tell, is try to maneuver them into and out of parking spaces. I base this statement on my local supermarket, where many of the upscale patrons drive Chevrolet Subdivisions. I've noticed that these people often purchase just a couple of items -- maybe a bottle of diet water and a two-ounce package of low-fat dried carrot shreds -- which they put into the back of their Subdivisions, which have approximately the same cargo capacity, in cubic feet, as Finland. This means there is plenty of room left over back there in case, on the way home, these people decide to pick up something else, such as a herd of bison.
Then comes the scary part: getting the Subdivision out of the parking space. This is a challenge, because the driver apparently cannot, while sitting in the driver's seat, see all the way to either end of the vehicle. I drive a compact car, and on a number of occasions I have found myself trapped behind a Subdivision backing directly toward me, its massive metal butt looming high over my head, making me feel like a Tokyo pedestrian looking up at Godzilla.
I've tried honking my horn, but the Subdivision drivers can't hear me, because they're always talking on cellular phones the size of Chiclets (''The Bigger Your Car, The Smaller Your Phone,'' that is their motto). I don't know who they're talking to. Maybe they're negotiating with their bison suppliers. Or maybe they're trying to contact somebody in the same area code as the rear ends of their cars, so they can find out what's going on back there. All I know is, I'm thinking of carrying marine flares, so I can fire them into the air as a warning to Subdivision drivers that they're about to run me over. Although frankly I'm not sure they'd care if they did.
A big reason they bought a Sport Utility Vehicle is ''safety,'' in the sense of, ``you, personally, will be safe, although every now and then you may have to clean the remains of other motorists out of your wheel wells.''
Anyway, now we have the new Ford, which will be even larger than the Subdivision, which I imagine means it will have separate decks for the various classes of passengers, and possibly, way up in front by the hood ornament, Leonardo DiCaprio showing Kate Winslet how to fly. I can't wait until one of these babies wheels into my supermarket parking lot. Other motorists and pedestrians will try to flee in terror, but they'll be sucked in by the Ford's powerful gravitational field and become stuck to its massive sides like so many refrigerator magnets. They won't be noticed, however, by the Ford's driver, who will be busy whacking at the side of his or her head, trying to dislodge his or her new cell phone, which is the size of a single grain of rice and has fallen deep into his or her ear canal.
And it will not stop there. This is America, darn it, and Chevrolet is not about to just sit by and watch Ford walk away with the coveted title of Least Sane Motor Vehicle. No, cars will keep getting bigger: I see a time, not too far from now, when upscale suburbanites will haul their overdue movies back to the video-rental store in full-size, 18-wheel tractor-trailers with names like The Vagabond. It will be a proud time for all Americans, a time for us to cheer for our country. We should cheer loud, because we'll be hard to hear, inside the wheel wells.
LOL.
If there's one thing this nation needs, it's bigger cars ...............ping
Boy! DID he have insight! This was before Hummers, yes?
We need bigger motorcycles.
nice........... like those training wheels.
Hummers have been around a while, but this was before they became popular.
I haven't seen a hummer since I got married.
The entire auto industry is sinking due to high fuel costs.
Auto is one of the early indicators of economic change.
The auto industry surged from 2001 to 2003 as the economy recovered.
How many of you out there bought a new car in 2001, 2002, 2003 or 2004?
The market is being choked off because of the rising interest rates and especially because of the soaring cost of oil.
Pretty funny article, but I don't have any trouble pulling into tight parking spaces or backing out of them in my wifes suburban, and neither does she for that matter.
If Dave ever drove a Suburban, he would throw rocks at anything else, including the newer so called luxury cars like the Ford Grand Marquis we traded in on the Suburban.
The Suburban rides smoother, hauls everything you need and still has ample room for the kids. About every other time I'd slide into that Grand Marq, I'd bust my shin on the dashboard.
The Suburban is probably the greatest family vehile ever made and it's kind of hard to argue that when you look at how succesful it has been even though it is one of the pricier vehicles on the market. But as the old saying goes, you get what you pay for.
" ... you get yourself a 1973 AMC Gremlin."
Don't laugh. I had a '74 Gremlin and took it with me when I got military orders in 1978 to a Navy communications station we used to have on Australia's west coast. That Gremlin took me anywhere in the Outback I wanted to go (though I never took it on beach sand).
The Gremlin -- ahead of it's time!
sorry, I laughed.
"The Gremlin -- ahead of it's time!"
Guess that makes you a man ahead of his time.
Sometimes I miss my old superbeetle
"I haven't seen a hummer since I got married."
That's nice. Does your wife read FR?
He's right on. What I want to know is why men put huge tires on little trucks.
Yes, March 21, 1999 .... the Twin Towers were still standing, West Texas Intermediate crude was $14.75/bbl (3/22/99) and the Hummers people were getting exercised about were the ones Bubba Bill had gotten in the Oval Office.
It seems like a billion years ago!
Hummers have been popular since, well, since forever!! :-)
The subs are a nice rid but not as smooth a ride as my 1956 Buick Roadmaster.
Well, I don't think Sunday is appropriate to have that discussion.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.