Posted on 02/13/2005 6:17:50 AM PST by nuconvert
Survival of mankind rides on the successful pickup line
BY DAVE BARRY
[This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 26, 1999.]
So I was at this party, and I wound up at a table where three attractive single women were complaining about - Surprise! - men. Specifically, they were complaining about the pickup lines that had been used on them in a bar a few nights earlier.
One woman said: ''This guy comes up to me and says, 'Are you a teacher?' I mean, is that supposed to be romantic?''
All three women rolled all six of their eyes.
Another one of them said: ''This guy says to me, 'I've been looking at you all night!' So I go, 'Hel-LO, we just GOT here.'''
At this point all three women - and I want to stress that these are intelligent, nice women - were laughing. Not me. I was feeling bad for the guys.
I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.
So I grant that it is not easy being a female. But I contend that nature has given males the heaviest burden of all: the burden of always having to Make the First Move, and thereby risk getting Shot Down. I don't know WHY males get stuck with this burden, but it's true throughout the animal kingdom. If you watch the nature shows on the Discovery Channel, you'll note that whatever species they are talking about - birds, crabs, spiders, clams - it is ALWAYS the male who has to take the initiative. It's always the male bird who does the courting dance, making a total moron of himself, while the female bird just stands there, looking aloof, thinking about what she's going to tell her girlfriends. (''And then he hopped around on one foot! Like I'm supposed to be impressed by THAT!'').
Male insects have it the worst. The Discovery Channel announcer is always saying things like: ''After the mating, the female mantis bites off the male mantis' head, and then she and her girlfriend mantises use it to play a game that looks a lot like Skee Ball.''
Because I live in Florida, my patio is basically a giant singles bar for lizards. On any given day during mating season, I'll see dozens of male lizards out there making their most suave lizard move, which consists of inflating and deflating a red pouch under their chins. They seem to think that female lizards really go for a guy with a big chin pouch, but I have never once, in 14 years of close observation, seen a female respond. They just squat there looking bored, while all around them males are blinking on and off like defective warning lights.
Every now and then you'll see an offbeat TV news story about some animal, usually a moose, that has for some reason fallen in love with, and decided to relentlessly court, something totally inappropriate, such as a lawn tractor. This animal is ALWAYS a male. On the TV, they show it hanging around the lawn tractor with a big, sad, moony look, totally smitten, while the lawn tractor cruelly ignores it.
My point here is that, in matters of the heart, males have the brains of a walnut. No, wait! That is not my point. My point is that perhaps you women could cut us males a little bit of slack in the move-making process, because we are under a lot of stress. I vividly remember when I was in 10th grade, and I wanted to call a girl named Patty and ask her to a dance, and before I picked up the phone, I spent maybe 28 hours rehearsing exactly what I was going to say. So when I actually made the call, I was pretty smooth.
''Hello, Dance?'' I said. ''This is Patty. Do you want to go to the Dave with me?''
Fortunately Patty grasped the basic thrust of my gist and agreed to go to the dance. This was a good thing, because if she had shot me down, I would have been so humiliated that I would have never have been able to go back to school. I would have dropped out of 10th grade and lied about my age and joined the U.S. armed forces, and as a direct result the Russians would have won the Cold War.
That is the awesome power that you women have over us men. I hope you understand this, and the next time a guy walks up and uses some incredibly lame, boneheaded line on you, I hope that, instead of laughing at him, you will remember that he is under the intense pressure of wanting to impress you enough so that you might want to get to know him better and maybe eventually, perhaps within the next 15 minutes, mate with him, thereby enabling the survival of the human race, which believe me is the only thing that we males are truly concerned about.
In conclusion, let me just say to all females everywhere, on behalf of all males everywhere, that you are very beautiful and your eyes are like two shining stars, unless you're a female fly, in which case your eyes are more like 2,038 shining stars. So please give us a chance. And if you're not interested, could you introduce us to your lawn tractor?
We call this D-I-V-O-R-C-E in the human world.
This is a classic! I've been shot down by a lawn tractor before, a cute little Kubota twin diesel that was waaay out of my league. It hurts, dude.
Lol.
btw - have you met TADSLOS (Right Wing Infidel since 1954)?
LOL, great article, thanks for posting it!
This is so very true! Dave Barry nailed this one.
Best pickup line I ever heard was in a lesbian bar in Seattle, New Years 1987. Was waiting to be served at the bar and overheard one girl tell the other "OK, but just in case my biology teacher was right we'd better exchange ID now 'cause I intend to be you by tomorrow morning."
This is, perhaps, the most insightful, meaningful, and valuable article that has ever been written in the history of Mankind. I respectfully request that any and all females in the Universe be forced to read, even commit to memory, this article before they are allowed to speak to a male in a social or romantic setting. Of course, my wife will be along any moment to tell me why I am wrong and why I should shut up.
The best "singles ad" I ever saw was in a Denver weekly years ago, and read in its entirety:
Oversexed man seeks woman to whom this is not a problem.
Box NNNNN
"My name is Todd, you'll be screaming it later tonight."
I think I've got the best pickup line there is. However, I cannot divulge it for fear of the resulting over-population problem.
I have... I was lying face-down on a lounger by the pool, when two lizards decided to do their thing on a fence rail about twelve inches in front of my nose. Being comfortable and not wanting to disturb them (and rather curious, to tell you the truth), I just lay there and watched the show.
One question: Where the heck does he hide that thing when he's not using it? And I don't mean the neck pouch.
FUNNY!
Women and motorize boy toys, especially those one can not afford all have the same seductive qualities we can only dream of enjoying. Lucky for most of us and our "sensitive" male egos, there are more than one fish in the sea!
I should know better than to read Dave Barry while drinking coffee. Thanks for the morning sunshine - now to clean off my monitor. :o)
"Are you a teacher?" is the exact line used by a 16-something boy who approached me (quite a bit over 16) in the public library and offered to trade sex for my writing his high school English paper. Said I, "I am not a teacher." He, after looking me over: "Yes, you are."
Thanks for posting this. Dave Barry is one of those timeless writers, like P.G. Wodehouse and Mark Twain, whose works will never lose their charm.
I don't have the faintest clue as to what that means, but if it's that good I'll go out and try it tonight.
It does work on straight women also, doesn't it? I mean no ones gonna think I'm a lesbian or worse are they?
Let me know before I make a fool of myself.
It would be easier to just say "My name is bayourod, you'll be screaming it later tonight." (especially if your anti-immigrant)
Wait; HE would have sex with you, and YOU get to write his paper? He must have an absurd ego.
I've never met a man that confident!
LoL
We understand. *YAWWWWWN*
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