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<p>I'm talking about the Northern Snakeheads, which sounds like the name of a rock band that eats live hamsters on stage, but is actually a type of fish.</p> <p>FACT: It has a snakelike head filled with sharp teeth, is an extremely aggressive eater, and can grow to be three feet long.</p> <p>FACT: It can use its fins to crawl on land.</p> <p>FACT: It can breathe air, and survive out of water for three days -- nearly two days longer than Michael Jackson!</p>

<p>If you're like most American taxpayers, you often wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and ask yourself: ``Am I doing enough to support mohair producers?''</p> <p>I am pleased to report that you are, thanks to bold action taken recently by the United States Congress (motto: ``Hey, It's not OUR money!''). I am referring to the 2002 Farm Security Act, which recently emerged from the legislative process very much the way a steaming wad of processed vegetation emerges from the digestive tract of a cow.</p>

So we went to New York City for some urban excitement, which began when we saw our hotel. To avoid hurt feelings, I will call it by a made-up name, ''The Hotel Shpennsylvania.'' It's in midtown Shmanhattan, across the street from Shmadison Square Garden.The Hotel Shpennsylvania was apparently built around the time that North America became a separate continent. I am told that, at one time, it was quite elegant. Of course, I am also told that, at one time, Elizabeth Taylor was a virgin.Our first whiff of the Hotel Shpennsylvania experience came when we entered the lobby, which is...

The United States is developing an Odor Bomb.''Why?'' you are saying. ``Don't we already have New Jersey?''Fine, make your little jokes. But this happens to be a serious matter of National Security. According to news items sent in by several alert readers, the Department of Defense has asked scientists to develop an odor that is repulsive to all humans, regardless of culture. This odor could be used by the military to harmlessly clear people out of a given area.On the other hand, it would attract dogs. The more disgusting something smells, the more a dog wants to take a...