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Sometime in the future …

Kelly and Eric Romenesko conceive twins. Their two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.

The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.

The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"

The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his twin brother in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His brother had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"

The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

Democratic Party Chair Howard Dean and the Deodorant

Democratic Party Chair Howard Dean walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to Howard that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the Mr. Dean assures him that he has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. ''I'm sorry,'' says the pharmacist, ''we don't have any.''

''But I always get it here,'' screams the Deaniac.

''Do you have the container it comes in?''

''Yes!'' yells Howie, ''I will go and get it.''

He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to him, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''

The annoyed Democratic Party Chair snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''

The emperor has no clothes.

It's time to bring all those skeletons out of the closet

They’re undocumented skeletons? Everyone is trying to get a piece of the action now.

Does anyone else find it ironic these are being held on “May Day”? Big day for communists.

May Day a.k.a. International Workers' Day

International Workers' Day (a name used interchangeably with May Day) is the commemoration of the Haymarket Riot of 1886 in Chicago, Illinois, and a celebration of the social and economic achievements of the international labor movement. The 1 May date is used because in 1884 the Federation of Organized Trades and Labor Unions, inspired by labor's 1872 success in Canada, demanded an eight-hour workday in the United States to come in effect as of May 1, 1886. This resulted in a general strike and the riot in Chicago of 1886, but eventually also in the official sanction of the eight-hour workday. The May Day Riots of 1894 and May Day Riots of 1919 occurred subsequently.

Due to these left-wing overtones, May Day has long been a focal point for demonstrations by various socialist, communist, and anarchist groups. In some circles, bonfires are lit in commemoration of the Haymarket Riot usually right as the first day of May begins. [1] In the 20th century, May Day received the official endorsement of the Soviet Union; celebrations in communist countries during the Cold War era often consisted of large military parades and shows of common people in support of the government.

The Red Scare periods ended May Day as a mass holiday in the United States, a phenomenon which can be seen as somewhat ironic given that May Day originated in Chicago. Meanwhile, in countries other than the United States and United Kingdom, resident working classes fought hard to make May Day an official governmentally-sanctioned holiday, efforts which eventually largely succeeded. For this reason, May Day in most of the world today is marked by huge street rallies of workers led by their trade unions and various large socialist and communist parties — a phenomenon not generally seen in the U.S. (which has a history of strong anti-communism) or the UK.

In most countries other than the U.S. and UK, May Day is often referred to simply as "Labor Day".

Does anyone else find it ironic these are being held on “May Day”? Big day for communists.

May Day a.k.a. International Workers' Day

International Workers' Day (a name used interchangeably with May Day) is the commemoration of the Haymarket Riot of 1886 in Chicago, Illinois, and a celebration of the social and economic achievements of the international labor movement. The 1 May date is used because in 1884 the Federation of Organized Trades and Labor Unions, inspired by labor's 1872 success in Canada, demanded an eight-hour workday in the United States to come in effect as of May 1, 1886. This resulted in a general strike and the riot in Chicago of 1886, but eventually also in the official sanction of the eight-hour workday. The May Day Riots of 1894 and May Day Riots of 1919 occurred subsequently.

Due to these left-wing overtones, May Day has long been a focal point for demonstrations by various socialist, communist, and anarchist groups. In some circles, bonfires are lit in commemoration of the Haymarket Riot usually right as the first day of May begins. [1] In the 20th century, May Day received the official endorsement of the Soviet Union; celebrations in communist countries during the Cold War era often consisted of large military parades and shows of common people in support of the government.

The Red Scare periods ended May Day as a mass holiday in the United States, a phenomenon which can be seen as somewhat ironic given that May Day originated in Chicago. Meanwhile, in countries other than the United States and United Kingdom, resident working classes fought hard to make May Day an official governmentally-sanctioned holiday, efforts which eventually largely succeeded. For this reason, May Day in most of the world today is marked by huge street rallies of workers led by their trade unions and various large socialist and communist parties — a phenomenon not generally seen in the U.S. (which has a history of strong anti-communism) or the UK.

In most countries other than the U.S. and UK, May Day is often referred to simply as "Labor Day".

Does anyone else find it ironic these are being held on “May Day”? Big day for communists.

May Day a.k.a. International Workers' Day

International Workers' Day (a name used interchangeably with May Day) is the commemoration of the Haymarket Riot of 1886 in Chicago, Illinois, and a celebration of the social and economic achievements of the international labor movement. The 1 May date is used because in 1884 the Federation of Organized Trades and Labor Unions, inspired by labor's 1872 success in Canada, demanded an eight-hour workday in the United States to come in effect as of May 1, 1886. This resulted in a general strike and the riot in Chicago of 1886, but eventually also in the official sanction of the eight-hour workday. The May Day Riots of 1894 and May Day Riots of 1919 occurred subsequently.

Due to these left-wing overtones, May Day has long been a focal point for demonstrations by various socialist, communist, and anarchist groups. In some circles, bonfires are lit in commemoration of the Haymarket Riot usually right as the first day of May begins. [1] In the 20th century, May Day received the official endorsement of the Soviet Union; celebrations in communist countries during the Cold War era often consisted of large military parades and shows of common people in support of the government.

The Red Scare periods ended May Day as a mass holiday in the United States, a phenomenon which can be seen as somewhat ironic given that May Day originated in Chicago. Meanwhile, in countries other than the United States and United Kingdom, resident working classes fought hard to make May Day an official governmentally-sanctioned holiday, efforts which eventually largely succeeded. For this reason, May Day in most of the world today is marked by huge street rallies of workers led by their trade unions and various large socialist and communist parties — a phenomenon not generally seen in the U.S. (which has a history of strong anti-communism) or the UK.

In most countries other than the U.S. and UK, May Day is often referred to simply as "Labor Day".

Does anyone else find it ironic these are being held on “May Day”? Big day for communists.

May Day a.k.a. International Workers' Day

International Workers' Day (a name used interchangeably with May Day) is the commemoration of the Haymarket Riot of 1886 in Chicago, Illinois, and a celebration of the social and economic achievements of the international labor movement. The 1 May date is used because in 1884 the Federation of Organized Trades and Labor Unions, inspired by labor's 1872 success in Canada, demanded an eight-hour workday in the United States to come in effect as of May 1, 1886. This resulted in a general strike and the riot in Chicago of 1886, but eventually also in the official sanction of the eight-hour workday. The May Day Riots of 1894 and May Day Riots of 1919 occurred subsequently.

Due to these left-wing overtones, May Day has long been a focal point for demonstrations by various socialist, communist, and anarchist groups. In some circles, bonfires are lit in commemoration of the Haymarket Riot usually right as the first day of May begins. [1] In the 20th century, May Day received the official endorsement of the Soviet Union; celebrations in communist countries during the Cold War era often consisted of large military parades and shows of common people in support of the government.

The Red Scare periods ended May Day as a mass holiday in the United States, a phenomenon which can be seen as somewhat ironic given that May Day originated in Chicago. Meanwhile, in countries other than the United States and United Kingdom, resident working classes fought hard to make May Day an official governmentally-sanctioned holiday, efforts which eventually largely succeeded. For this reason, May Day in most of the world today is marked by huge street rallies of workers led by their trade unions and various large socialist and communist parties — a phenomenon not generally seen in the U.S. (which has a history of strong anti-communism) or the UK.

In most countries other than the U.S. and UK, May Day is often referred to simply as "Labor Day".

Does anyone else find it ironic these are being held on “May Day”? Big day for communists.

May Day a.k.a. International Workers' Day

International Workers' Day (a name used interchangeably with May Day) is the commemoration of the Haymarket Riot of 1886 in Chicago, Illinois, and a celebration of the social and economic achievements of the international labor movement. The 1 May date is used because in 1884 the Federation of Organized Trades and Labor Unions, inspired by labor's 1872 success in Canada, demanded an eight-hour workday in the United States to come in effect as of May 1, 1886. This resulted in a general strike and the riot in Chicago of 1886, but eventually also in the official sanction of the eight-hour workday. The May Day Riots of 1894 and May Day Riots of 1919 occurred subsequently.

Due to these left-wing overtones, May Day has long been a focal point for demonstrations by various socialist, communist, and anarchist groups. In some circles, bonfires are lit in commemoration of the Haymarket Riot usually right as the first day of May begins. [1] In the 20th century, May Day received the official endorsement of the Soviet Union; celebrations in communist countries during the Cold War era often consisted of large military parades and shows of common people in support of the government.

The Red Scare periods ended May Day as a mass holiday in the United States, a phenomenon which can be seen as somewhat ironic given that May Day originated in Chicago. Meanwhile, in countries other than the United States and United Kingdom, resident working classes fought hard to make May Day an official governmentally-sanctioned holiday, efforts which eventually largely succeeded. For this reason, May Day in most of the world today is marked by huge street rallies of workers led by their trade unions and various large socialist and communist parties — a phenomenon not generally seen in the U.S. (which has a history of strong anti-communism) or the UK.

In most countries other than the U.S. and UK, May Day is often referred to simply as "Labor Day".

As a teenager, she said, he was rejected as a "dirty Arab" by the family of his longtime girlfriend, with whom he lived and won dance contests.

How about winning one dancing at the end of a rope?

In one case, the family of a 14-year-old Los Angeles-area boy said he committed suicide because he was threatened by a school official for participating in immigration protests.

Ever feel like you’re living in a parallel universe? One where everything is upside down, inside out, black is white, good is bad, etc.? This is the most absurd statement I’ve read in a news article lately.

Students learned about the insults later that day and planned the walkout for Wednesday morning.

Solution: Lock the doors after they've left.

And In Other News:

French Snipers Rousted From Statue Of Liberty

Give Us Your Poor, Your Tired, Your Huddled Masses - And We'll Carve 'Em Up ... Real Nice


New York, New York – The FBI, acting on tips from Staten Island police, have uncovered a squadron of French guerrilas living in the Statue of Liberty murdering American tourists for over a hundred years. The Gallic fighters, now in their fourth generation inside the monument, are the descendents of a militant anti-American sect of the French which included the Statue's designer, Frederic Bartholdi.

According to Det. Frank Mattingly, the statue's victims are usually tourists whose exact whereabouts aren't known while on vacation. Thusly, leads in the disappearance cases have been few and far between. As it turns out, the victims have been ritualistically bludgeoned inside the symbol of America's goodwill.

At any given time in the last 112 years, there have been between 8 to 20 crack French troops dwelling inside of the monument. They refer to themselves as "torch-bearers." Over the years, several of the militaristic Torchbearer sect have retired from their mission but never revealed the group's secret. The squad occasionally recruited French soldiers in secrecy, and some of the Torchbearers were born to mothers and fathers in the group and were born in the statue itself.

Bartholdi and a group of his anti-American cronies devised the entire idea of the statue as a Trojan horse, whereby the guerrilas inside could indiscriminately murder American citizens with little chance of being caught. FBI have just recently discovered a labyrinthian series of trap doors and secret passageways inside the statue.

The statue was unveiled on October 28, 1886 and presented as a herald of the United States as the "country of the 20th century." A similar monument is still being constructed for the Japanese to be unveiled by French "sculptors" within the next year. Japanese authorities have been notified of the potential peril by the State Department.

The Torchbearers didn't stop simply at murdering visitors inside the monument itself. French frogmen, armed to the teeth, patrol the waters around Staten Island, murdering at least 150 fisherman and boaters in the last 40 years alone. It has also been learned that many souvenir Statue of Liberty cigarette lighters contain small amounts of nitroglycerine, igniting unsuspecting smokers who've been getting a light from "Lady Liberty."

During the early to mid 1980's, tourists found a reprieve from the blood spree of the Torchbearers due to the extensive restoration of the statue for its centennial celebration in 1986. It is not yet known where the sect went during that time, but it has been speculated that they were involved in an ill-fated attempt to open a string of chicken-and-waffle restaurants in the Virgina area.

FBI authorities are not resting now even after the Statue of Liberty has been liberated of its French inhabitants. Agents across the country are scouring national parks and monuments in search of similarly diabolical militias in such unlikely places as Old Faithful, the nostrils on Mount Rushmore, the California missions and also Plymouth Rock. FBI Spokesman Darren Block alleges that the rock itself just may house a legion of fanatical Pilgrims bent on "ridding the country of electricity-using heathens".

And In Other News:

French Snipers Rousted From Statue Of Liberty

Give Us Your Poor, Your Tired, Your Huddled Masses - And We'll Carve 'Em Up ... Real Nice


New York, New York – The FBI, acting on tips from Staten Island police, have uncovered a squadron of French guerrilas living in the Statue of Liberty murdering American tourists for over a hundred years. The Gallic fighters, now in their fourth generation inside the monument, are the descendents of a militant anti-American sect of the French which included the Statue's designer, Frederic Bartholdi.

According to Det. Frank Mattingly, the statue's victims are usually tourists whose exact whereabouts aren't known while on vacation. Thusly, leads in the disappearance cases have been few and far between. As it turns out, the victims have been ritualistically bludgeoned inside the symbol of America's goodwill.

At any given time in the last 112 years, there have been between 8 to 20 crack French troops dwelling inside of the monument. They refer to themselves as "torch-bearers." Over the years, several of the militaristic Torchbearer sect have retired from their mission but never revealed the group's secret. The squad occasionally recruited French soldiers in secrecy, and some of the Torchbearers were born to mothers and fathers in the group and were born in the statue itself.

Bartholdi and a group of his anti-American cronies devised the entire idea of the statue as a Trojan horse, whereby the guerrilas inside could indiscriminately murder American citizens with little chance of being caught. FBI have just recently discovered a labyrinthian series of trap doors and secret passageways inside the statue.

The statue was unveiled on October 28, 1886 and presented as a herald of the United States as the "country of the 20th century." A similar monument is still being constructed for the Japanese to be unveiled by French "sculptors" within the next year. Japanese authorities have been notified of the potential peril by the State Department.

The Torchbearers didn't stop simply at murdering visitors inside the monument itself. French frogmen, armed to the teeth, patrol the waters around Staten Island, murdering at least 150 fisherman and boaters in the last 40 years alone. It has also been learned that many souvenir Statue of Liberty cigarette lighters contain small amounts of nitroglycerine, igniting unsuspecting smokers who've been getting a light from "Lady Liberty."

During the early to mid 1980's, tourists found a reprieve from the blood spree of the Torchbearers due to the extensive restoration of the statue for its centennial celebration in 1986. It is not yet known where the sect went during that time, but it has been speculated that they were involved in an ill-fated attempt to open a string of chicken-and-waffle restaurants in the Virgina area.

FBI authorities are not resting now even after the Statue of Liberty has been liberated of its French inhabitants. Agents across the country are scouring national parks and monuments in search of similarly diabolical militias in such unlikely places as Old Faithful, the nostrils on Mount Rushmore, the California missions and also Plymouth Rock. FBI Spokesman Darren Block alleges that the rock itself just may house a legion of fanatical Pilgrims bent on "ridding the country of electricity-using heathens".

In Other News:

Midol Mob Maims Myopic Men

Shock waves still emanate from the scarred community of Titusville, Fla. as state police are trying to make sense of the tragic burst of violence last Thursday p.m. "It’s just a goddamn shame, "says trooper Tom Forrest. "In all my years on the force, I’ve never seen anything like it. I certainly hope never to encounter this again," he shuddered stepping over blood-stained chalk outlines laid before the shattered glass storefront in the WalMart parking lot. On the street, men walk nervously looking over their shoulders for assailants even though the 347 women animals are never released," claims Ed Paisley, a rather shaken eye-witness. "The devil got into these women, and you know Satan doesn’t like to let go."

Purportedly, none of the unfortunate events needed have taken place if you listen to what defense lawyer Evelyn Johnson reports. "It was just another chauvinistic attempt to degrade and control women by allowing the Midol supply to run out. You wouldn’t see this store run out of jock itch powder, now would you." Prosecutor John Cavanaugh disagreed vehemently, "The minute you start making excuses for this kind of violence is the minute you have a lawless society. As I have explained to my wife time and time again. Women just aren’t meant to run with guns. They’re too irrational. Hand them a weapon and people are gonna get hurt."

The incident began when Margaret Callan, a 33 year old mother of two, entered the North End store at 7:45 p.m., Thursday, June 11 in search of Midol, a common women’s drug used to alleviate symptoms of PMS. There was no Midol to be found. It’s competitor, Pamprin, was also curiously absent from the shelves. She approached Curt Tucker, the assistant night manager at the service desk to inquire if there was more. The Assistant Manager shrugged and said he would ask the shipping clerk the first then in the morning. Apparently Mr. Tucker did not realize the urgency of the request but was soon brought up to speed when Mrs. Callan reached over the counter and shook the 19 year old male. "I think you will find out now," she said. The youth then agreed to hang up on his girlfriend and went to seek out the manager. He returned to inform her that the product was on order but would not be shipped until they needed additional items.

Mrs Callan replied in an eerie, flat voice, "You shouldn’ta oughta done that," then smiled and asked to see the manager overseeing the shift. Mr. Tucker sensed that something was wrong and hurried to find the manager, Mark Greensborough. Upon relaying the exchange, Mr. Greensborough said he had a sudden emergency at home and would be leaving Mr. Tucker in charge. Mr. Greensborough then quickly grabbed his keys and ran out the back entrance. Curt Tucker slowly returned to the service desk and explained that Mr. Greensborough was not available. "I see," Mrs. Callan responded coolly and turned away form the counter and headed toward the front door. What was initial relief soon turned to horror as Margaret Callan suddenly turned right and disappeared into the Sporting Goods section. Moments later, she appeared as in a Wes Craven nightmare walking determinedly down the center aisle toward the service desk with a high speed compound bow pointed at the asst. manager. Curt Tucker did the only thing he claimed a sane man could do at this point, "I wet my pants."

Ella Mandeville spotted her neighbor gravitating down the aisle and approached Margaret to see what was the matter. Mrs. Callan explained the source of her anger and Ms. Mandeville, a recent divorcee, reached in her purse and brought out a small pistol (purchased at this very store 3 1/2 months ago) and joined her friend in moving toward the service desk. At this point, Curt Tucker gathered his wits about him and hit the silent alarm.

Margaret Callan demanded the asst. manager come out from behind the desk and instructed him to bring them to the back office and lock the door. She then ordered him to call WCUB, the local country radio station and informed him he would be making an apology to all the women of Titusville on the air. She added she knew he probably notified the police and she would do what was necessary to get the community what they needed. Only after an apology was issued and a delivery of Midol reached the store would she release him safely. Margaret then phoned the police, stated she was armed and had a hostage, and repeated her demands. She then put Curt Tucker on the phone to prove he was currently safe. "You better do what she says, son," said Carmine Farelli, the officer on duty. "Yes sir," stammered Curt through tears. "These women are scaring me."

WCUB had been notified by the police to put Chris on the air and the young man stuttered out an emotional apology on behalf on the store at 8:57 p.m. The local police, meanwhile swarmed the WalMart parking lot and made plans to storm the back office to end this hostage crisis. During the next hour, strategic plans were laid out, flack jackets were donned and riot shields were passed to the men. No notice was paid to the gathering across the street. Apparently, many women were tuned in for Curt Tucker’s apology and were enraged to think that WalMart would care so little about their needs. They decided to put an exclamation point on Margaret Callan’s statement. When the call was let out to storm the building, a voice screamed out from in front of the Baskin Robbins. "I don’t think you oughta be makin’ that kind of move. The police turned to see an astonishing group of 300 plus women with angry looks on their faces.

"Ladies, nothing to see here. Why don’t y’all go home and tend to your families," said police chief Ken Norton. A women later identified as Bea Sellers stepped forward and said, "We represent Margaret and the plight of Titusville women. You will not be entering the building until the Midol shipment has arrived." "Ladies, there will be no shipment. We do not kowtow to terrorist threats in Titusville."

"I kinda thought you might say that," said Bea. "Ladies, you know what to do," she ordered. Within seconds, every husband’s hunting rifle was shouldered and aimed at Titusville’s finest. You could hear a pin drop in the moments that followed.

"What do you want us to do?" questioned a deputy. "You heard the ladies. Better order that Midol," said to the chief. But then Chief Norton made a fatal mistake and turned to wink at his men letting them know he had no intention of bending. This was the last straw for the women who unfortunately had 20/20 vision and a sixth sense that every mother has when being lied to. Shots rang out and five officers dropped, two fatally wounded from head injuries. "Mother of God! Take cover men:" shouted the chief who was suffering from a deep flesh wound of the right arm. The officer then crawled to a car and radioed for back up. "You better be ordering that Midol. If it comes in, no one else will get hurt," shouted an unidentified voice. The chief then asked the dispatch to make sure a Midol delivery was on its way.

The first back up to arrive on the scene was Officer Kelly Elridge, state police. Her appraisal of the situation was, "get the Midol in and the women will go quietly." An hour later, two ambulances arrived. One was full of medics dressed in SWAT gear and the other was full of an emergency supply of Midol. The PMS drug was brought into the store without incident. Officer Elridge turned and faced the crowd of women and asked them to make good on their promise. Bea Sellers nodded and asked the women to lay down their arms. They all complied. Officer Elridge explained they were under arrest and the women replied they understood. Bea escorted the state officer into the store and knocked on the office door where Curt Tucker was being held. A strung out Margaret Callan screamed out, "What do you want?!" The reply was simply a package of Midol slipped under the door. At that moment Mrs Callan told her hostage he could open the door and Curt Tucker ran out gibbering unintelligibly. Mrs. Callan and Ms. Mandeville set down their weapons, keeping the package of Midol and quietly accompanied the officer to the police station. Now the jail is full and the state and county are still grappling with the fate of these women. Our hearts go out to the families of the deceased officers. We must wonder is this the beginning of the decline of civilization. Titusville will have to look hard at the answer.

And In Other News:

CAL-TECH SCIENTISTS TRAVEL THROUGH TIME, FIX 1919 WORLD SERIES

Pomona, CA – Scientists at Cal-Tech University have executed the first practical application of time travel by fixing the 1919 World Series. The experimental measure was pulled off after a 2-month long string of time-travel snafus. At present, the second phase of the project is being conducted by researchers and historians, who are attempting to note the historical differences due to the actions of the travelers. These differences are what are referred to as the "ripple effect."

In late April of this year, the Inter-Dimensional Project (IDP) felt that they had made enough advances to begin. They sent a literal guinea pig back in time to the year 1975 for a duration of 10 minutes and then returned it to the laboratory. The rodent’s molecular structure was intact and he seemed completely normal. He was unable to share his field observations because of obvious communication problems.

After similar tests with a dog, a bison and a chimpanzee, the project began sending humans on May 22 for 12-hour test trips. Unfortunately, 2 of the 3 human test subjects sent back to 1919 returned molecularly sound, but dead from drowning. It was later learned that the prototype version of the time travel apparatus placed the test subjects at random locations on Earth. A casualty on May 25 was calculated to have drowned 300 miles off the coast of Argentina in the Atlantic Ocean. A successful time traveler reported being transported to a meadow in Northern New Zealand.

After weeks of "going back to the drawing board" as IDP Project Manager Glenn Glendon described it, the project’s designers were able to refine their technique and the next prototype was able to use fixed geographic coordinates as well as time-based coordinates. After several successful test, they set their sites on seeing how time travel actions affect subsequent history. Their first mission: Fixing the 1919 World Series.
Initially, IDP planners had set their sights on stopping the fix of the 1919 World Series by the Chicago White Sox. But this idea catapulted their project development team into debate, rancor and confusion when they tried to reason how they would even be able to know of the baseball incident if they successfully prevented it from happening. During extensive think-tank sessions, two IDP project managers had what psychiatrists described as "logic-related mental breakdowns", according to Glendon.

In the interest of researcher sanity, the Cal-Tech team decided to send back 3 time travelers armed with satchels full of 1918 currency. These time travelers would execute their own fix of the series. Beforehand, all of recorded human history was stored onto CD-roms and taken with the travelers in order to compare with the resulting history after the time travel.

The 3-man team went back, met with White Sox players and executed their "fix." One interesting note was that they did not bribe White Sox second baseman Eddie Collins. Upon returning, the research team notes that on the CD-rom which documented the "now-alternate", pre-time-travel history, Collins had been in on the fix, which was well-documented in the popular John Sayles film "Nine Men Out" starring Bronson Pinchot. Apparently, this is one of the "ripples" the IDP researchers was able to uncover.

It is difficult to conceive of the results of the project because when changing prior events, the resultant history is now the actual history as we have all known it. But the "alternate history" (the events that occurred before the time-travel project) is reflected on the CD-roms which were taken back to 1919 and then returned with the time travellers.

The specially-assembled historical research team at Cal-Tech is still searching through the data looking for differences in the alternate history and present history. So far, their findings have included these "alternate" events:

- The Boston Red Sox were the dominant team in baseball for four decades, led by Hall of Famers Joe Dimaggio, Bob Feller, Ernie Banks, Jimmie Foxx, Hank Aaron and Chuck Berry.
- Chicago was the beer manufacturing capitol of the nation, not Milwaukee.
- The McDonald’s trademark was 3 golden arches, instead of the one we know with 2.
- Linoleum was never invented.
- Researchers are baffled by many of the differences. Further analysis will continue.

At present, the IDP have no projects slated in the immediate future. Long-range plans include time-travel aimed at the prevention of the Kennedy assassination, the safe passage of the Titanic and also a trip for researchers to Mardi Gras in 1979 so they could "screw like banshees in the pre-AIDS era."

And In Other News:

Five States Outlaw Gay Divorce

Washington, DC - Five states last week passed statewide propositions outlawing gay divorce. Political commentators and gay advocates view this as an even more damaging blow to gay rights then the more publicized bans on gay marriage. The resolutions were passed by voters in California, Massachusetts, Washington state, New Hampshire and Maine.

The ballot initiatives spell trouble in the "blue" or "gay" states where there have recently been a rash of civil unions once a handful of mayors allowed same-sex marriages earlier this year. Thousands of gay couples rushed to finally be afforded the freedom to wed. Presently in November, over a third of those couples are desperately seeking a way to get out of these hurried marriages.

Many civil unions have been reportedly buckling under the stress of nagging, rows with in-laws and emotionless, mechanical sex. Common symptoms of these unsuccessful civil unions are excessive time spent puttering in the garage, alcoholism or both. An anonymous Seattle-area policewoman was quoted, "God, please, I promise I'll never marry again."

Opponents of the propositions have expressed their concern that there will be a new era of "back-alley divorces", performed in renegade courts and makeshift churches throughout the country. Quickie divorces have already been performed for several male-male couples, in the ironically named community of Bangor.

Reports from Hollywood say Rosie O' Donnell's partner Kelli Carpenter is livid about the new law. Carpenter, seen shielding her face in the photo at right immediately following her ceremony, was quoted as simply stating, "I will fight this law with my dying breath."

A spokesman for O'Donnell stressed that there was no pre-nuptial agreement between the "star" and Carpenter. "We applaud this decision by the voters. Rosie can't afford to lose half of her assets. That Nickleodeon Kids Choice Awards is all we got. Also, I would like to mention that 'The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas' Special Edition DVD comes out this Tuesday."

The GOP complained that same-sex divorces "violate the sanctity of divorce." Many prominent divorced politicians and high profile conservative adulterers Robert Dole, John McCain, Alfonse D'Amato, Rudolph Guiliani, Dick Armey, Bob Barr and Rush Limbaugh, to name a few, have made it a campaign issue this year. Said Barr, a former Georgia Congressman and three-time loser, "Divorce is clearly a legal action between a man and a woman. It says so in the Bible."

George Will assailed the divorce attempts of same-sex couples, "I can't believe that these people are attempting to bring down the same sacred institution of 'trading up' employed by President Reagan. Have they no shame?" The bow-tied columnist is himself divorced.

In a reaction to the new law, California state Attorney General Bill Lockyear yesterday issued an order to prosecute any television channel showing the movie "The Gay Divorcee", starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. The networks TCM and AMC were the first two networks named by Lockyear, but the AMC fingering was retracted by the Attorney General upon learning that they are now "American Movie Channel" and basically just show Burt Reynolds and Meg Ryan movies. Lockyear later scrapped all prosecutions when he was informed that he misread the wording in the proposition.

For the foreseeable future, homosexual couples will be forced to "work things out", unlike their traditional heterosexual counterparts. Former Senator Bob Dole, questioned on the set of a Viagra commercial, observed that, "Divorce is a sacred institution. That's why I went off to war, got my arm blown off, came back, let my wife nurse me back to health, then left her with no forwarding address."

"And thus I clothe my naked villany
With odd old ends stol'n out of holy writ,
And seem a saint, when most I play the devil."

"Nothing can come of nothing"

"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind."