Free Republic

PORTLAND, OR—Facing massive budget cuts, the Portland Police Bureau has come up with an exciting new way to fund their department. Upstanding citizens can now pay 5 dollars to throw tear gas at communist protesters. People from across the country are lining up to live their lifelong dreams of blasting dirty commies with tear gas.

CHARLES TOWN, W.Va. — Regardless of where the Eastern Panhandle stands with COVID-19 this fall, Jefferson County students will have a choice of how they attend school. During Monday night’s regular meeting, Superintendent Dr. Bondy Shay Gibson said the school system is continuously updating its technological infrastructure. Students will have the option of full virtual learning.

BURLINGTON, VT—Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the presidential race since his campaign goals have already been achieved. These goals consisted mostly of locking everyone up in gulags and destroying the economy. As the coronavirus panic has already accomplished the aims of his socialistic policies, Sanders realized the country didn't need his public service anymore. Unemployment has skyrocketed, grocery stores have empty shelves, and everyone is confined to their homes on penalty of arrest. This "idyllic paradise" is exactly what Sanders wanted in the first place, so he says he can leave the race satisfied that his vision has been...

Issued March 24, the guidance tells hospitals to list COVID-19 as a cause of death regardless of whether or not there’s actual testing to confirm that’s the case. Instead, even if the coronavirus was just a contributing factor or if it’s “assumed to have caused or contributed to death,” it can be listed as the primary cause.

The Senate passed the Families First Coronavirus Response Act by a vote of 90-8 on Wednesday, after some initial hesitations from Republicans as to how the relief bill would affect small businesses. The measure will provide free COVID-19 testing to anyone who thinks they made need it, as well as paid medical leave for employees. President Trump, who endorsed the measure last week, awaits the bill at his desk.

KEYSER - The Mineral County Commission has declared the county a Second Amendment Sanctuary. During the commission’s Tuesday meeting, all three of the elected officials agreed to adopt the resolution dealing with the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution. In part, that section of the constitution states, “The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” In addition, the West Virginia Constitution Article 21, has wording along the same lines that says, “A person has the right to keep and bear arms for the defense of self, family, home, and state and for lawful...

HELL—Jeffrey Epstein has been released from hell after coming out as transgender, sources in the afterlife confirmed today. The millionaire and convicted sex offender donned a blonde wig and told the guardians of hell that he was rehabilitated and ready to go back to the land of the living.

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world's best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren't quite as good. The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12 billion. The move more than quadrupled the site's catalog of hilarious, satirical articles.

As a cord cutter of many years, I have little first-hand knowledge of how the TV networks are covering the impeachment trial. I've been accessing C-Span online and catching little parts, or as much as I can stomach.

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Governor Larry Hogan, chairman of the National Governors Association, applauded today’s announcement that lawmakers in the U.S. House of Representatives have reached an agreement to advance the United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement. Over the last year, Governor Hogan has been working to secure bipartisan and international support for this critical pact.

MARTINSBURG, W.Va. — Bordering Hampshire, Morgan and Berkeley counties is Frederick County, Virginia. On Monday, the West Virginia Senate passed Senate Concurrent Resolution 2, drafted by Judiciary Committee Chairman Charlie Trump IV (R-Morgan). The resolution provides a “standing invitation” to Frederick County, Virginia to join West Virginia.

U.S.—The nation's Christians said they were really pleased that they voted for Republicans to control the White House and Senate so that Planned Parenthood abortions and funding could hit another all-time high.

Even though this is one of those body language examination videos, I find this even more interesting for the outcome (apparent white-washing) and that Senator John Cornyn was overseeing the AG's briefing. Why was he, and staunch establishment, deep state, Cornyn even there to make sure Barr stayed on script? My confidence in Barr has faded. There will be no Obama/Clinton justice. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gd-UV92rNPw