Free Republic
Browse · Search
Religion
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

10 Great Excuses For Not Reading Your Bible
The Babylon Bee ^ | Jul 26, 2022 | BabylonBee.com

Posted on 07/27/2022 9:49:29 PM PDT by fidelis

We get it. It's hard to read the divinely inspired word of the creator of the universe. He's so judgy! But, since your salvation might depend on it, you better get some great excuses ready to share on Judgment Day.

Here are some of the best excuses for not reading your Bible:

1. You just went to church last month and don't want to overdo it: You don't want to be an extremist!

2. It's not as encouraging as Your Best Life Now: Joel Osteen's prose is to die for.

3. If you take your eye off the Hot Pocket you're microwaving for one second it might burn: And then you'd be hungry! God wouldn't want that.

4. You already watched The Chosen: It's so hard to get into a good book if you already know how it ends.

5. Those 900 Korok seeds in Zelda: Breath of the Wild aren't going to collect themselves: Finding Korok seeds is a metaphor for finding Christ probably.

6. You're Donald Trump and don't need forgiveness: He has never done anything wrong, ever.

7. You're still recovering from the story of Ehud: Enough to give anyone PTSD.

8. You misplaced your copy and new ones are so hard to find: You have to walk all the way to the back of Barnes & Noble.

9. The Jordan Peterson lecture on Genesis you watched has you covered: Up yours woke moralists! We'll see who cancels who from paradise!

20. It's not like the Bible is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work, or anything like that: 'Cause if it were, you'd definitely meditate on it day and night.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; becauseimcatholic; bible; humor; satire
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 221-235 next last
To: metmom

The Chosen will likely lose the plot...as well as its Catholic viewership.


21 posted on 07/28/2022 3:18:22 AM PDT by one guy in new jersey
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: fidelis

“Joel Osteen’s prose is to die for.”

LOL! Joel Osteen. Pfffft!


22 posted on 07/28/2022 3:32:16 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (Sometimes when you get to where you're supposed to be, it's too soon.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Fungi

This is exactly the kind of thing my dad would’ve printed on the back of the church bulletin. It kind of hits home and makes people think.


23 posted on 07/28/2022 3:33:39 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (Sometimes when you get to where you're supposed to be, it's too soon.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: abigkahuna

Good one!


24 posted on 07/28/2022 3:34:31 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (Sometimes when you get to where you're supposed to be, it's too soon.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: Ken H

Uriah Heep. Clever.


25 posted on 07/28/2022 3:35:35 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (Sometimes when you get to where you're supposed to be, it's too soon.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 10 | View Replies]

To: metmom

“...Mary Magdalene ... Any reports of her being a prostitute are untrue. There’s no indication of that from Scripture.”

Thank you for pointing that out! Where do people come up with this stuff?

Just like there were three wise men who visited “Baby” Jesus. Jesus wasn’t a baby by the time they got there.

There could’ve been two wise men, or 50. The Bible doesn’t say. Just “men” plural.

And the three wise men’s names... fiction. Not in the Bible.

There are so many fabrications


26 posted on 07/28/2022 3:43:14 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (Sometimes when you get to where you're supposed to be, it's too soon.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: Ken H; stormhill

Love that Bible humor!

The blind man, healed, questioned about Jesus: Wow, he makes a blind man see, and you experts don’t know where he’s from!

The disciples, asked, are you drunk? and they said: Drunk? it’s only 2 o’clock.

And that snarky aside: as if the sins of Jeroboam were a light thing!

It’s there if you’re open to it.


27 posted on 07/28/2022 3:50:31 AM PDT by Buttons12 ( )
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 10 | View Replies]

To: fidelis
I am always shocked at how many "Born-again" Christians are not familiar with/don't read their Bibles.

I fell in love with it early on, and marvel how new and deeper insights are shown to me as each year goes by.

Until He returns or calls me home.

28 posted on 07/28/2022 4:01:25 AM PDT by Psalm 73 ("You'll never hear surf music again" - J. Hendrix)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Buttons12
"Love that Bible humor!"

One of my favorites is from Exodus 32:1-29:

“Come on,” they said, “make us some gods who can lead us. We don’t know what happened to this fellow Moses…..”

“This fellow Moses”? Are you kidding me? Already? Moses just left them a few days ago!

And then later, Aaron says: “So I told them, ‘Whoever has gold jewelry, take it off.’ When they brought it to me, I simply threw it into the fire—and out came this calf!”

Oh, really Aaron? Just like that, out came this golden calf? I suppose the dog ate his homework, too!

29 posted on 07/28/2022 4:16:56 AM PDT by Psalm 73 ("You'll never hear surf music again" - J. Hendrix)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: metmom

“Any reports of her being a prostitute are untrue.”

Who here said anything about MM being a prostitute?

She maxed out on being possessed, though. They say seven demons is as many as can possess a single human.

Was her pre-exorcism level of vice not stupendous? How would you describe it?


30 posted on 07/28/2022 4:19:23 AM PDT by one guy in new jersey
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: metmom

I read this and all I can think of are the people who ranted at us about being “Bible thumpers” while claiming to be better followers of Jesus.

As if they were boasting about how little they read Scripture.


31 posted on 07/28/2022 5:12:08 AM PDT by Luircin
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: one guy in new jersey; ConservativeMind; ealgeone; Mark17; BDParrish; fishtank; boatbums; ...
"confess Mother Mary’s utter freedom from all sin by means of a singular grace of Christ "

You asked for it:

` In no place is a sinless Mary taught or required.

Departing from Scripture - which admonishes us not to think of mortals above that which written (1 Co. 4:6) which also applies to the unsupported claims of Marian exceptions to the norm, especially as seen in contrast to the manner in which the Holy Spirit makes significant distinctions of subjects evident in Scripture, from the age of Methuselah, (Gn. 5:27) to the strength of Samson, (Jdg. 4:4,16; 16:12,29,30) to the number of toes of the Philistine giant, (2Sam. 21:20), to the special diet of the Baptist, (Mt. 3:4) to Joseph being a just man, (Mt. 1:19) to the supernatural transport of Phillip, (Acts 8:40) to Jesus being sinless, which He is said at least twice to be. (2Cor. 5:21; 1Pt. 2:22) (2Cor. 5:21; 1Pt. 2:22) but Catholics must extrapolate out of texts things which do not teach it.

Nor does Scripture make Mary an exalted unique possessor of wisdom and knowledge whose heart souls are to devote themselves to.

It is be noted that my objection is not to Mary being honored as the holy chosen vessel to bring forth Christ, but to the excess ascriptions, appelations, exaltation, and adoration (and the manner of exegesis behind it), ascribed to the Catholic Mary, whether officially or by Catholics (with implicit sanction of authority).

Note that many Catholic Marian attributions much parallel even that of Christ:

For in the the Catholic quest to almost deify Mary, it is taught by Catholics*,

Mary was a holy, virtuous instrument of God, but of whom Scripture says relatively little, while holy fear ought to restrain ascribing positions, honor, glory and powers to a mortal that God has not revealed as given to them, and or are only revealed as being possessed by God Himself. But like as the Israelites made an instrument of God an object of worship, (Num. 21:8,9; 2Kg. 18:4) Catholics have magnified Mary far beyond what is written and warranted and even allowed, based on what is in Scripture.

More, by the grace of God.

32 posted on 07/28/2022 5:13:48 AM PDT by daniel1212 (Turn to the Lord Jesus as a damned+destitute sinner, trust Him who saves, be baptized + follow Him!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: Fungi
This is a prime example.

HMMMmmm...

What are THESE??


 


 
Matthew 15:16
   "Are you still so dull?" Jesus asked them.

Matthew 23
 
  1.  Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples:
  2.  "The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat.
  3.  So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach.
  4.  They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.
  5.  "Everything they do is done for men to see: They make their phylacteries  wide and the tassels on their garments long;
  6.  they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues;
  7.  they love to be greeted in the marketplaces and to have men call them `Rabbi.'
  8.  "But you are not to be called `Rabbi,' for you have only one Master and you are all brothers.
  9.  And do not call anyone on earth `father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven.
 10.  Nor are you to be called `teacher,' for you have one Teacher, the Christ.
 11.  The greatest among you will be your servant.
 12.  For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.
 13.  "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to. 
 14.  Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows' houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation. 
 15.   "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are. 
 16.  "Woe to you, blind guides! You say, `If anyone swears by the temple, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.'
 17.  You blind fools! Which is greater: the gold, or the temple that makes the gold sacred?
 18.  You also say, `If anyone swears by the altar, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gift on it, he is bound by his oath.'
 19.  You blind men! Which is greater: the gift, or the altar that makes the gift sacred?
 20.  Therefore, he who swears by the altar swears by it and by everything on it.
 21.  And he who swears by the temple swears by it and by the one who dwells in it.
 22.  And he who swears by heaven swears by God's throne and by the one who sits on it.
 23.  "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices--mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law--justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.
 24.  You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.
 25.  "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.
 26.  Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.
 27.  "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!  You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean.
 28.  In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.
 29.  "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You build tombs for the prophets and decorate the graves of the righteous.
 30.  And you say, `If we had lived in the days of our forefathers, we would not have taken part with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.'
 31.  So you testify against yourselves that you are the descendants of those who murdered the prophets.
 32.  Fill up, then, the measure of the sin of your forefathers!
 33.  "You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?
 34.  Therefore I am sending you prophets and wise men and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town.
 35.  And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah son of Berekiah, whom you murdered between the temple and the altar.
 36.  I tell you the truth, all this will come upon this generation.
 37.  "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.
 38.  Look, your house is left to you desolate.
 39.  For I tell you, you will not see me again until you say, `Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.' "
 


Mark 7:26-27
 26.  The woman was a Greek, born in Syrian Phoenicia. She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter.
 27.  "First let the children eat all they want," he told her, "for it is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."
 

And St. Paul chimes in...

Galatians 5:12
   As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!
 


33 posted on 07/28/2022 5:18:42 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: one guy in new jersey

Their loss.

It’s a good series and I am more than willing to support something that portrays Christ in a wholesome, family friendly, and fairly Scriptural way.


34 posted on 07/28/2022 5:26:44 AM PDT by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: one guy in new jersey
...Mr. Dallas, the author producer director, is an apparently unreachably separated brother who can’t afford to confess Mother Mary’s utter freedom from all sin by means of a singular grace of Christ crucified, reaching back in time to the moment of her miraculous conception in the womb of her mother Anne (circa 14BC or so).

At least you wrote apparently.


No need to try conjure up proof of Mary's sinlessness, as there is none; so let's just show how the Book Rome has assembled points out the rights and privleges of marriage


 
The Roman Catholic Church  has turned the beautiful, blessed lady of Scripture into an asexual, frigid Jewish wife; who withheld her favors from Joseph for no rational reason.
 
 
 

1 Corinthians 7:1-40 ESV 

... each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.

For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.

Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

 

 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer;

but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


35 posted on 07/28/2022 5:27:35 AM PDT by Elsie (Heck is where people, who don't believe in Gosh, think they are not going...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: daniel1212

Behold your mother, D.

She is beautiful, beyond measure.

She is the pure, 100% human, New Ark, within which God himself miraculously took flesh.

Noone who humbly and lovingly aims at Mary fails to hit the target of Christ Jesus.

She is now the Queen Mother in heaven. Do you really think Jesus, her forever loving and devoted son, can refuse what she gently requests of him, when the only message she conveys is, Do what he tells you?


36 posted on 07/28/2022 5:27:38 AM PDT by one guy in new jersey
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 32 | View Replies]

To: MayflowerMadam

Adam ate fruit, not necessarily an apple.

But most of the fabrications revolve around Mary, and many around Jesus.


37 posted on 07/28/2022 5:28:20 AM PDT by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 26 | View Replies]

To: one guy in new jersey

“Who here said anything about MM being a prostitute?”

Not sure if anyine on FR said that, but it is common lore.


38 posted on 07/28/2022 5:30:04 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (Sometimes when you get to where you're supposed to be, it's too soon.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: one guy in new jersey

“They” forget the Gadarene demoniac who had a legion of demons.

Give us some examples of the vices of Mary Magdalene that were recorded.

FWIW, it was Pope Gregory who started with the her being a prostitute myth.


39 posted on 07/28/2022 5:32:31 AM PDT by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: Luircin

Ironic, eh?


40 posted on 07/28/2022 5:33:09 AM PDT by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 221-235 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
Religion
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson