Posted on 03/30/2016 4:16:03 PM PDT by Gamecock
LOUISVILLE, KYBy a nearly unanimous vote, the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (USA) voted to overlook or explicitly endorse a number of additional sins in what is being perceived as an attempt to slow its rapid pace of membership decline.
As balloons came down, the PC(USA) commissioners danced in the aisles to the Kool & The Gang 1980 party standard Celebrate and some attendees openly wept for joy as the denomination announced their official endorsement of pride, gossip, sorcery, covetousness, theft, and sexual immorality as a general category.
Finally, sobbed self-described open gossiper attendee Rebecca Arnett. I no longer have to live a lie. Now I can confidently be the gossip God made me to be. Did you hear about Laurens husband, by the way?
Commissioner Ray Louis outlined a denominational strategy, saying plummeting membership numbers point to a need for churches to align themselves more with the culture, and that condoning additional sins is the way to do just that. Look, the fact is, pure and simple, the Bible is antiquated, explained Louis. We need to do some serious editing if were going to reach people with the love of Jesus and his message of negotiable morality.
Louis further hinted that if the strategy proves successful, further sins may still be accepted into the fold in the near future. I dont want to spill the beans, said Louis cautiously, but lets just say bearing false witness isnt off the table.
Many PC(USA) advocates, like Rod Pringle, a pastor from Olympia, WA who also practices sorcery in his free time, see this move as a great step forward. Look, all this is really doing is giving presbyteries the discretion to endorse things like sorcery at a local level. Frankly, I think thats completely in line with traditional church practice. If someone wants to summon a Balrog, but does it in a way consistent with their individual Christian walk, well then who am I to judge?
The PC(USA) also confirmed that due to budget cuts and a diminishing need for space, next years assembly would be held in the back of a church school bus.
Best I can determine this is satire.
I sure hope it is a satire or I must weep for Alex Murphy.
Yeah, the entire site looks that way.
Why’s that? He’d have a lot less things to worry about.
Confirmed. A statement at the bottom of the page says, “The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.”
Yes, it sounds like satire. But regrettably there’s not much distance between satire and the truth these days.
Deuteronomy 4:2 Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.
Proverbs 30:6 Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar
If it isn’t satire I’ll weep.
If it isn’t satire I’ll weep.
Brother Inquisitors, prepare the thumbscrews, the tongs, the pit and the pendulum, the rack and the other instruments. We may soon be back in business. Sanctus Torquemada, ora pro nobis!
If they do one more thing beyond this, I’m leaving!
Babylon Bee is a satire site.
I never understood why some churches had problems with thespians in church.
As long as they don’t openly matriculate.
The most effective satire is satire that has the ring of truth.
Best I can determine this is satire.
It's kind of like reading The Onion. You can't always tell right away, any more.
Great headline. So accurate.
Satire²!
2. "Nobody expects: The Spanish Inquisition!!!!"
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