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PC(USA) OKs Additional Sins
Babylon Bee ^ | 3/22/2016

Posted on 03/30/2016 4:16:03 PM PDT by Gamecock

LOUISVILLE, KY—By a nearly unanimous vote, the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (USA) voted to overlook or explicitly endorse a number of additional sins in what is being perceived as an attempt to slow its rapid pace of membership decline.

As balloons came down, the PC(USA) commissioners danced in the aisles to the Kool & The Gang 1980 party standard Celebrate and some attendees openly wept for joy as the denomination announced their official endorsement of pride, gossip, sorcery, covetousness, theft, and sexual immorality as a general category.

“Finally,” sobbed self-described “open gossiper” attendee Rebecca Arnett. “I no longer have to live a lie. Now I can confidently be the gossip God made me to be. Did you hear about Lauren’s husband, by the way?”

Commissioner Ray Louis outlined a denominational strategy, saying plummeting membership numbers point to a need for churches to align themselves more with the culture, and that condoning additional sins is the way to do just that. “Look, the fact is, pure and simple, the Bible is antiquated,” explained Louis. “We need to do some serious editing if we’re going to reach people with the love of Jesus and his message of negotiable morality.”

Louis further hinted that if the strategy proves successful, further sins may still be accepted into the fold in the near future. “I don’t want to spill the beans,” said Louis cautiously, “but let’s just say bearing false witness isn’t off the table.”

Many PC(USA) advocates, like Rod Pringle, a pastor from Olympia, WA who also practices sorcery in his free time, see this move as a great step forward. “Look, all this is really doing is giving presbyteries the discretion to endorse things like sorcery at a local level. Frankly, I think that’s completely in line with traditional church practice. If someone wants to summon a Balrog, but does it in a way consistent with their individual Christian walk, well then who am I to judge?”

The PC(USA) also confirmed that due to budget cuts and a diminishing need for space, next year’s assembly would be held in the back of a church school bus.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: bogus; buffoonery; funny; irony; mockery; parody; pcusa; religiousleft; satire; satiricalsatire; scorn; snark; wince

1 posted on 03/30/2016 4:16:03 PM PDT by Gamecock
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Best I can determine this is satire.


2 posted on 03/30/2016 4:16:44 PM PDT by Gamecock ( Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul...Matthew 10:28)
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To: Gamecock

I sure hope it is a satire or I must weep for Alex Murphy.


3 posted on 03/30/2016 4:20:24 PM PDT by BlackElk (Dean of Discipline Tomas de Torquemada Gentlemen's Society: Rack 'em Danno!)
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To: Gamecock

Yeah, the entire site looks that way.


4 posted on 03/30/2016 4:21:01 PM PDT by mountn man (The Pleasure You Get From Life, Is Equal To The Attitude You Put Into It)
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To: BlackElk

Why’s that? He’d have a lot less things to worry about.


5 posted on 03/30/2016 4:22:22 PM PDT by mountn man (The Pleasure You Get From Life, Is Equal To The Attitude You Put Into It)
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To: Gamecock

Confirmed. A statement at the bottom of the page says, “The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.”


6 posted on 03/30/2016 4:23:18 PM PDT by Tonytitan
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To: Gamecock

Yes, it sounds like satire. But regrettably there’s not much distance between satire and the truth these days.


7 posted on 03/30/2016 4:23:42 PM PDT by Cicero (Marcus Tullius)
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To: Gamecock
I would guess they don't read their bible oo much:

Deuteronomy 4:2 Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.

Proverbs 30:6 Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar

8 posted on 03/30/2016 4:23:52 PM PDT by jsanders2001
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To: BlackElk

If it isn’t satire I’ll weep.


9 posted on 03/30/2016 4:27:45 PM PDT by Jaded (Pope Francis? Not really a fan... miss the last guy who recognized how Islam spread... the sword.)
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To: BlackElk

If it isn’t satire I’ll weep.


10 posted on 03/30/2016 4:27:48 PM PDT by Jaded (Pope Francis? Not really a fan... miss the last guy who recognized how Islam spread... the sword.)
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To: Gamecock
If it is not satire, we are willing to lend the services of the Lords of the Inquisition. We exist only underground nowadays but we are quite experienced and are willing to serve even other churches in defense of Western Civilization. The Rev. Mr. Sorcerer needs serious, ummm, inquiry and probably correction.

Brother Inquisitors, prepare the thumbscrews, the tongs, the pit and the pendulum, the rack and the other instruments. We may soon be back in business. Sanctus Torquemada, ora pro nobis!

11 posted on 03/30/2016 4:28:51 PM PDT by BlackElk (Dean of Discipline Tomas de Torquemada Gentlemen's Society: Rack 'em Danno!)
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To: Gamecock

If they do one more thing beyond this, I’m leaving!


12 posted on 03/30/2016 4:40:55 PM PDT by kaehurowing
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To: Gamecock

Babylon Bee is a satire site.


13 posted on 03/30/2016 4:46:42 PM PDT by Bryanw92 (Sic semper tyrannis)
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To: Gamecock

I never understood why some churches had problems with thespians in church.


14 posted on 03/30/2016 4:52:08 PM PDT by kaehurowing
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To: kaehurowing

As long as they don’t openly matriculate.


15 posted on 03/30/2016 4:58:07 PM PDT by Mrs. Don-o (Stone cold sober, as a matter of fact.)
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To: Gamecock

The most effective satire is satire that has the ring of truth.


16 posted on 03/30/2016 5:03:39 PM PDT by P-Marlowe (Freep mail me if you want to be on my Fingerstyle Acoustic Guitar Ping list.)
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To: Gamecock
Best I can determine this is satire.

It's kind of like reading The Onion. You can't always tell right away, any more.

17 posted on 03/30/2016 5:58:56 PM PDT by Lee N. Field ("I don't care if there's a billion of you. You're in a cult.")
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To: Gamecock

Great headline. So accurate.


18 posted on 03/30/2016 6:07:43 PM PDT by The Ghost of FReepers Past (Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light..... Isaiah 5:20)
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To: BlackElk

Satire²!


19 posted on 03/31/2016 8:22:32 AM PDT by Hebrews 11:6 (Do you REALLY believe that (1) God IS, and (2) God IS GOOD?)
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To: Hebrews 11:6
1. Ya think????

2. "Nobody expects: The Spanish Inquisition!!!!"

20 posted on 03/31/2016 5:56:39 PM PDT by BlackElk (Dean of Discipline Tomas de Torquemada Gentlemen's Society: Rack 'em Danno!)
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