I need fifty JOKES for the TROOPS in Iraq and Afghanistan by tomorrow night!

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1273305/posts ^ | 11-28-04 | patriciaruth

[patriciaruth]

I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and

I need some fun jokes to go in them!

Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.

I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.

[al baby]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer.

Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said,

"I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose one on takeoff."

[jonsie]

Here's the latest dispatch from headquaters. We thought we had some French troops coming in for back up, but they said they haven't had time to bleach their flags.

[BigLittle]

A man finally agreed to go to counseling with his wife

After a bit of questions and answers, the counselor asked the man....."What is your wife's favorite flower?"

The husband pondered a bit, then proudly answered "PILLSBURY"

Later at the same session, the man said to his wife "I can't believe God made someone so beautiful so stupid.

The wife parried "God me me so beautiful so that you would love me.....God made me so stupid so that I would love you!"

[Hank Rearden]

A Texas rancher found himself at an adjacent truck-stop urinal with a hippie-looking guy.

The rancher said "Y'all from around here, boy?"

Hippie says "Nope, just passing through. You?"

"HELL ya, boy! Born and raised. In fact, my ranch is just over in the next county."

Hippie: "You live on a ranch? Cool! Is it very big?"

Rancher: "Boy, you have no idea. Why, I can set out from one property line at daybreak, drive all day, and just barely reach the other side before it starts to get dark!"

Hippie: "Wow, man. I used to have a car like that."

[guitfiddlist]

Islamofascists have enlisted the help of a western company to publicize the horrors of the US occupation of Iraq.

Victoria's Secret will be establishing franchises nationwide to document these abuses.

[muir_redwoods]

"Did you hear the one about a man who had a dog with no legs and every day he took it out for a scrape?"

[al baby]

reminds me how about the beeber thread from 6 monthe or so ago

[The Klingon]

WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra! !" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

[Phsstpok]

This demanded some searching (mostly because the one I could think of were unprintable)

I came up with this one here:

Marine Corps Humor

Stand by when you hear the five Most Dangerous Things in the Marine Corps:

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic Training..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Sergeant Major chuckling, "Watch this stuff..."

I edited number 5... a bit...

[cowtowney]

These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking himself. One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks friendly..."

[Eternally-Optimistic]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Salo]

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road.
Suddenly, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree, in a farmer's field.

The farmer investigated, then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the farmer, "Were they all dead?" The farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."

[Temple Owl]

Ping. See item #30.

[patriciaruth]

Bookmark for later pasting by the toilet.

[airedale]

The old man lay in the last throes of death in his bedroom when he smelled or thought he smelled the aroma of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, his favorite. Was he dreaming? Was his wife of 50 years making one last heroic effort to see that he left the world a happy man? He had to find out. He dragged himself out of the bed and shuffled down the hallway to the stairs. Slowly and painfully he went down the steps. At the kitchen door he had to lean on the door jamb to stay upright. On the table before him on newspaper were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. With the last of his strength he threw himself at the table and missed landing on his knees. He could almost taste those cookies. With a shaking hand he reached for one of them. Just as his fingers were about to touch a cookie It was hit by a spatula and he heard his wife say; George, you stay out of those you know they are for the funeral!

[SoDak]

Ole and Lena on their honeymoon

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

Ole and Lena go parking

When Ole and Lena were young and in love they would got to there favorite spot to park. One night while parked hugging and kissing Ole asks Lena, "Lena how would you like to go in the back?"
"No," she replies. So they hug and kiss some more. Again, Ole asks Lena to go in the back. Lena replies, "Ole, why are you always asking me to go in the back, I want to stay in front with you!"

Thought I'd add some regional humor.

[al baby]

hey this lady goes to a gynocolgist and the doctor asks her hace you had a ck up there


she pauses and says no but i have had a couple of yugoslavians

[RushLake]

One day in the second grade classroom, the teacher, Ms. Stringley, was asking the class about the occupations of their parents. Fireman, policeman, and other common jobs came up. Ms. Stringley noticed that one of her students, Josh, was quietly sitting in the back looking rather upset.
"Would you like to share with us, Josh?" she asked, hoping to make him feel better by incorporating him in the activity.
Slowly, Josh said "My dad is a stripper in a gay bar and sometimes if he is paid enough, he goes out in the back where the car is and has sex with other guys."
Ms. Stringley was shocked and took Josh out into the hallway where they could talk in private.
"Is this true?" She asked.
"No, he really works for the democratic party but I was too embarassed to admit it in front of the class."

[airborne]

LOL!! Beautiful!

Cowboys and Muslims!!

HEE HEE HEE!