Posted on 11/28/2004 4:59:45 PM PST by patriciaruth
I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and
I need some fun jokes to go in them!
Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.
I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.
"Here's hoping santa brings you a sense-o-humor this year!"
Santa is a myth of human invention, but God and His Scriptures are not. Here is praying that God will show you mercy and give you the wisdom to not jest about such matters.
Sorry to have called you ignorant - that was unkind of me and not a very good example. I need some of that merciful wisdom myself. God Bless.
24 had me ROTFL... Cause the first thing I thought of was "Cool... I gotta try that!"
No, really, as a non-Jew I can tell you that was the lamest POS ever published.
>>How do you catch a unique rabbit?
>>You nique up on it.
Yes, but do you know how to catch a tame bird?
(waiting for response.)
Oh, yes, and I forgot... Do you know what you get when you cross a Lhasa Apsa with a Shih-Tzu?
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and longevity. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation,
Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
"What?" she asks.
"SEX!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at the usual meeting place. Mildred becoming alarmed, decided to find Harold and make sure he was allright. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".
OK, for those on the board:
>> How do you catch a unique bird
>> You nique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bird?
The tame way
What do you get when you cross a Lhasa Apsa with a Shih-Tzu?
Lhasa Shihtz
Tzu things that Shitz on their Apsa in your Lapsa?
Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they are full of antibodies!
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces!
ping
A blonde was riding in a car with a redhead. They stopped at a traffic light. The redhead looked over at the sidewalk and saw a man walking out of the florist, and exclaimed, "Oh @#$#&#*!!!!"
"What's wrong?" said the blonde. "Who is that?"
"That's my boyfriend, bringing me another dozen roses. He does that all the time."
"So? What's wrong with that? I love roses, don't you?" said the blonde.
"Yes," said the redhead. "But now I will have my legs up in the air for three days."
The blonde thought for a minute, and turned to the redhead and said.....
"Why don't you just get a vase?"
Tommy Lasorda on one of his players:
"He's so slow, if he got in a race with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third."
Two liberals are sitting outside at night. They are gazing upon a bright full moon. One liberal says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, the moon or Florida?" The other one snaps, "We can SEE the moon from here, dummy, you can't see Florida."
Lawyer joke:
A policeman arrived at the scene of an accident. Someone clearly side swiped a car on the driver's side and pulled the door off. The man standing in front of the car is a lawyer and he is saying "how awful the damage is to his BMW."
The policeman rolls up his eyes and said "You guys are so money oriented. You don't even realize you just lost your arm."
The lawyer looks at the stump of the arm and says
"oh my god my rolex is gone!"
Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay
10. The Last Supper would have been brunch.
09. The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they....."
08. Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number with lots of ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell, instead of just a donkey and some palm leaves.
07. The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but to extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
06. The temple would not only have been cleansed of money changers, but redecorated as well.
05. Mary's hair would have been flawless.
04. The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Lance and Bruce.
03. Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys......wait. Never mind.
02. Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
01.The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.
ROTFL!
Beautiful!
LMAO!!!
Oh my!!! I'm laughing my head off, THAT one is too much!!
;Santa is a myth of human invention
Dadgumit. Now you had to go and shatter all my childhood myths and that on a thread about humor too...... I may have to seek counseling. Whatever you do don't shatter my belief in the tooth fairy I don't know if I can take much more ;-)
Last I checked this was a joke thread not a theology forum.
Please cheer up man you'll have a much happier life that way.
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