I need fifty JOKES for the TROOPS in Iraq and Afghanistan by tomorrow night!

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1273305/posts ^ | 11-28-04 | patriciaruth

[patriciaruth]

I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and

I need some fun jokes to go in them!

Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.

I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.

[ArGee]

Your favorite color for a car exterior is Bond-O.

Shalom.

[Sergio]

Hillary's campaign

Hillary is campaigning during her 2002 run at a seat on the Senate.

She drops by an elementary school for a photo op, to, you know, show she's concerned about education. The teacher informs Hillary that her class is studying word definitions.

Hillary takes over the lesson and asks the class if anyone knows what the meaning of the word "Tragedy" is.

One child says a tragedy is when a small child is run over by a car.

Hillary corrects the child and says that would actually be an accident.

Another child say a tragedy would be if a bus load of kids went over a cliff.

Hillary corrects this child and says that this would actually be a "great loss".

Finally a third child says that a tragedy would be if during Hillary's 2008 run for the White House, here plane with her and all her campaign people were to crash into a mountain with no survivors.

Hillary smiles and says that he is correct and adds, "And do you know why this would be a tragedy."

To which the young student replies, "Well it has to be a tragedy because it wouldn't have been and accident, and it sure wouldn't be a great loss."

[TET1968]

ATTN.Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0system.

In addition,Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, ESPN 3.2 and
Major league Baseball 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and, Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 and Hinting 6.2 to fix these problems, but to no vail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Begging
6.2. -Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to such background applications such as Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please remember Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create
Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Wine 4.5 combined with such applications as Lingerie 6.9 (which have been credited with improved performance of his hardware).
Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Saundra Duffy]

If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal!"

Why did I LOL at that?

[CTOCS]

Two guys are playing golf and they come upon a man lying unconscious at the edge of the fairway. A cell phone call to 911 brings the rescue squad.

They revive the guy and ask him what happened. Says he can't remember. They ask him to reconstruct what happened up to the point of his amnesia.

He says, "I was playing golf with my wife. She hooked one off the tee into this pasture next to the fairway. Well after looking all over the ground for it, I looked up at this cow and there was a golf ball lodged right under her tail. I walked over to the cow, lifted it's tail and yelled to my wife - 'Honey, this sort of looks like yours.'"

That's the last thing I remember......

[WestPoint90]

The town I came from is so small that the Parade of Homes was cancelled when the lead trailer got a flat tire.

[CTOCS]

Teacher assigns class to use the word "beautiful" in a complete sentence. Answers would be read aloud in class the next day.

First was up is little Kathy. She says, "Today I gave the teacher a beautiful apple."

Teacher says that's fine. Now it's Suzie's turn.

Suzie says, "Today I saw a beautiful sunrise."

Again, teacher says that's fine.

Little Johnnie says, "That's nuthin'. I can use the word beautiful twice in the same sentence.

Teacher says, "Please come to the front of the class and tell us.

Johnnie gets up and says, "Last night we're sittin' around the dinner table and my sister tells my father that she's pregnant. Pop says, "That's beautiful, just f**kin beautiful."

[festus]

Here's hoping santa brings you a sense-o-humor this year!

[Rollee]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a brass lamp and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the lamp and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that lamp forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

---

I thought this was funny, I hope the troops enjoy it as well.

[potlatch]

I have a couple of good ones patriciaruth, if it's not too late. Just got online after 4 days and saw your ping.

A Frog Wants a Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

( a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?)

[TChris]

Leno? ...is that you?

[potlatch]

Best Blond Joke EVER;

A female blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was Pulled over by a woman cop who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she asked. The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the cop. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[patriciaruth]

The town I came from is so small that the Parade of Homes was cancelled when the lead trailer got a flat tire.

Maybe it's because I live in a small rural town that I find this to be simply a news report, not a joke.

[patriciaruth]

:-) cute...

[patriciaruth]

THANKS, Everybody!!

I picked up a half dozen more to go with tonight's printing.

Some had my husband and I in tears from laughing so much!!

I'm sure they will bring some fun to our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, too.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

Christmas cards and letters for our Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan

[yankeedame]

Some great Rodney Dangerfield one-liners:

-- "I tell ya, I get no respect. When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."

-- Every time I get in an elevator, the operator always says the same thing to me: "Basement?"

-- I never got the girls when I as a kid. One girl told me: "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. There was nobody home.

-- With my wife I get no respect. The other night here was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.

-- When I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go the the drive-in and do push-ups in the backseat of my car.

-- My wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to the kitchen.

-- I tell ya, I get no respect. I saw my psychiatrist the other day. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

-- Even when I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big will I get.

[Dave Olson]

You May Be A Redneck If...

You attend family reunions to get a date.

You take your kid to school, because you're both in the same second grade class.

You video tape tag team wrestling while you're at a tractor pull.

Your family tree has no branches.

[dsc]

"Unemployed intellectual...will act like a pompous ass for food!"

That's the funniest joke on the thread.

[AndrewC]

Start with the 48 Democrat Senators.

I'm a day late and a dollar short. I was going to use the new number, so I would have had to add more extras than you did. I like your setup, but the former Democrat presidents would seem to be more appropriate.

[trussell]

Thank you!!

I worked with a National Park interpretive ranger last summer...he had a button that said that on it. He told me about it, and I have used it since my job ended in October.