I need fifty JOKES for the TROOPS in Iraq and Afghanistan by tomorrow night!

I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and

Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.

I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

JOHN KERRY
I voted to support the chicken crossing the road before I voted
against the chicken. I do not believe the chicken should have crossed
the road without the support of the French, Germans, and United
Nations. Did I mention I have three Purple Hearts?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't need to know why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken
is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that
somebody out there is already forming a support group to help
chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road
paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm
talking about your money, money the government took from you to build
a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly
harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU
SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken did cross the road, and there
was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

Invitation

You are Invited!!!!!
Due to the cancellation of the Inaugural Ball for Senator Kerry...There will
be a small Suare' (pity party) for those who have already bought their attire.
The nights entertainment will be provided by the DIXIE CHICKS & Bruce Springsteen
Tissues for excessive self pity will be furnished by Susan Sarrandon and Tim Robbins
We are pleased to announce DAN RATHER will be our Master of ceremonies!!!
Yeah!!!!
Cameron Diaz has pledged CUPCAKES!!
Whats this?....a Free Screening of Fahrenheit 911! Thank you Michael Moore.
Ashton Kutcher will sign his latest book..."I open my mouth...and stupid falls out"
P Diddy will not be in attendance, he is still trying to get the vote out.
If you see him tell him that he was not "disenfranchised" from this event. He
can come home now.
Barbara Streisand is preparing for her next role and will not be here, (boo hoo),
she will be starring as Teresa Heinz Kerry in the sad story of " Shove it"
Just in.....Grapes will be provided by the Heinz Corporation....Sorry, only
SOUR available.
The Reverend Jesse Jackson will be cooking on the BBQ and John Kerry will be
flippin the burgers...something he has proven to be very good at. Lots of
Ketchup folks, the white house has donated thousands of bottles, relish, mustard,
and all the pickles too. when asked why the generosity? The spokesman for the
Bush Household told us.....We have switched to DelMonte thank you very much.
Attention all actors: Norman Lear is casting for his new television show
"Fahrenheit 11-2-04 how'd the GOP do that?"
Hope to see you all there...not much else going on.
HILLARY

A cabbie picks up a fare, a nun. After a few blocks the cabbie's hands are trembling on the wheel and he keeps looking nervously over his shoulder at the nun. She notices his distress and asks "Whatever is the matter, my son?" The shakes his head and declares, "No sister, I cannot tell you, it's too awful". "Don't be bothered about that," she says reassuringly "I've heard some pretty wild tales over the years."

The cabbie reluctantly agrees and explains, "I've always had this irrational desire to kiss a nun. I can't help it and it won't go away. Do you think it would be alright?" The nun allows that this IS very unusual but his request might be granted if a few questions are correctly answered. "The questions are", she flatly states, "Are you a Catholic and are you single?" "Yes, yes! I was an altar boy too!" he exclaims. "Very well, pull off on the next side street."

Long story short, the sister lays one on the cabbie like he's never had, just short of rockets and all that. Her tongue's almost on his tonsils.

They resume their journey and after a few more blocks the cabbie pulls off, leans over the seat and confesses, "Sister, please forgive me, I've done something terrible. I lied. I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish. Also, I'm married and have two beautiful children. I'm so, so sorry for what I've done"

"Don't worry about it," she soothes him, "I lied too. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party."

---------------

Two antennas met on a roof and got married. The ceremony was nothing special but the reception was great!

Two hydrogen atoms are at the bar and one says "I've lost my electron." His partner asks "Are you sure?" He replies, "Yes, I'm positive"

A termite walks into a saloon and asks "Is the bartender here?"

Ever since his late teens Jim had suffered from terrible headaches. Finally, in desperation after years of misery, he sought medical advice. Many tests later, the doctor sat down with Jim to deliver his diagnosis. The doctor said, "Jim, I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a
very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the
base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way medical science can relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice - "Cut 'em". When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for
the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Jim realized that he felt like a different person - he could make a new beginning and live a new life. Seeing a men's clothing store he thought, "That's what I need, a
new suit." He entered the shop and told the tailor, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the old tailor replied.

Jim tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As he admired himself in the
mirror, the old tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The old tailor eyed Jim and
said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."

Again, Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the old tailor replied.

Jim tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about new shoes?"

Jim was on a roll now and said, "Sure." The tailor eyed his feet and said,
"Let's see... 9-1/2 E."

Jim was astonished. He laughed and said, "Don't tell me, I know, you've been in the business 60 years!"

Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around
the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Jim thought for a second and said, "Sure." The old tailor stepped back, eyed Jim's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Jim laughed, "Ah-hah I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The old tailor shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you one hell of a headache."

This one's a little risque, but it's VERY funny!

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter. The jar is filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first," says the bartender. "Then I will tell you."

The man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar."OK," the bartender says, here's what you need to do. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. And third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

The man then grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pitbull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then...................silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's that old b*tch with the sore tooth?"

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