Posted on 11/28/2004 4:59:45 PM PST by patriciaruth
I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and
I need some fun jokes to go in them!
Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.
I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.
A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to
understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have computers, television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?"
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
More here
Anti-French jokes
A little girl goes into a barber shop with her dad.
She's standing next to the barber chair about to eat a snack cake when the barber says to her: "Hey honey, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie."
And the girl replies: "I know. And I'm gonna get boobs too!"
ha. 'nother parrot joke.
A man is flying first class, and is a bit surprised that the next seat is occupied by a large parrot. After the seatbelt sign is off, the parrot squawks at the flight attendant, "Baby, bring me a $%^*ing coke." As the man starts to say "Excuse me, would you mind --" the flight attendant rushes off and comes back with parrot's coke.
The parrot slurps it down and hollers "You in the skirt, get me another %$%*ing coke!" and the man tries, "Could you please get me one too?" And once again the parrot gets a drink, and the man doesn't.
The parrot drinks it down and yells, "Another &%$#ing coke!"
And man yells "And get me one while you're &*$#ing at it!"
Two huge sky marshals come storming up, grab the parrot and the man, drag them to the back, and kick them out of the plane. They're hanging there in the air, and the parrot turns to the man and says, "I just wanna tell you, you really have balls - I mean, a guy like you with no wings or anything."
Mrs VS
... A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies,
"Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."
Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says,
"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies,
"Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Welcome to Freerepublic. Neat story. You're lucky the General didn't have you for a second course. ;^)
1. A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband."
2. A man jumps from an airplane and when he pulls his parachute cord it breaks. As he's plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly into the air. As they cross paths, one falling towards the earth and the other rising away from it, the skydiver yells, "Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to know anything about parachutes would you?" "Sorry, I don't." The other man yells back. "Would you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"
3. After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
4. One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
oooooooo agh!
Gee, I've never seen PT cancelled because of bad weather! Does that really happen?
Calling Tomkow - yokes for troops needed!!! :o)
Not in any of my experiences. It usually brings on a longer session.
What happened with the two jerks?
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Q. Why was the Sanfrancisco National Guard the first unit to deplot to Iraq.
A. Because they already had their sh*t packed
So an officer approaches a young private and asks "Hey do you have change for a dollar"
The private responds "Oh sure thing man."
This sends the officer in a fit. "Where is you f***king respect PRIVATE! Now, lets try that again. Do you have change for a dollar???!"
So the private goes "No, SIR"
Great thread!
Oh, no!
My girlfriends and I--straight as a ruler, every one of us--wish that we had wives. I'd sure like to have somebody to make me breakfast, pack my lunch, take care of the kids, do the shopping, vacuum and dust, do all my errands, go to the school meetings, balance the checkbook, handle the social life, cut the grass, do the other gardening, wash the floors, clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, iron my clothes, help with homework, clean up after the dog, and get dinner on the table while I just sit on the sofa drinking beer and bitching about what a busy day I had.
I love your joke about soldiers in your cup!
Please FReep me your town and State to go with this one.
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 3: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Homo!!"
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