I need fifty JOKES for the TROOPS in Iraq and Afghanistan by tomorrow night!

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1273305/posts ^ | 11-28-04 | patriciaruth

[patriciaruth]

I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and

I need some fun jokes to go in them!

Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.

I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.

[AmericanInTokyo]

Good (only) for when Iraq was our enemy and not our ally.

[Libloather]

A few from the last batch found -

"Dan Rather announced today that he's stepping down as anchor of the CBS News. Though Rather said he hasn’t been able to verify it yet. So it's not official." --Jay Leno

"Dan Rather said today that his decision to retire has nothing to do with the controversy over those fake National Guard documents. That's kind of like Yasser Arafat saying his decision to step down had nothing to do with him dying." --Jay Leno

"Dan Rather uses all those Texas expressions. He said 'He'd leave when the kettle starts whistling at the frying pan.' What does that mean?" --Jay Leno

"Dan Rather announced that he's stepping down as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. I had a feeling something was coming yesterday when he signed off with, 'I'm Dan Rather and you can all bite me." --Jay Leno

"Boy there's a lot of changes in the nightly newscast. Tom Brokaw stepping down. Dan Rather stepping down. Soon the most trusted man in television could wind up being Geraldo Rivera." --Jay Leno

"First Mike Wallace had the run in with the limo driver -- remember they threw Mike Wallace in jail. Then Dan Rather gets caught with a fake memo, now Bill O'Reilly being sued for sexual harassment. Do you know the most trusted news man in America is now Geraldo Rivera?" --Jay Leno

"We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather." --Jon Stewart

"I'm sure you’ve all heard about the troubles at CBS, which stands for Can't Back Story, by the way." --Jay Leno

"Earlier this week, '60 Minutes' featured documents that they say proved President Bush did not fulfill his requirements for National Guard service. Well, now there's talk that the documents are forged. Well, of course, President Bush is stunned. He said, 'You mean I did show up for duty?" —Jay Leno

"Actually new documents surfaced today proving that President Bush did not fulfill his National Guard service. CBS said they know they're new because they were just printed over the weekend." —Jay Leno

"This week, our friend Al Franken is launching a new all liberal radio network called Air America. They say the purpose of Air America will be to balance out all the conservatives in the media, except, of course for NPR, CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, and the New York Times." —Jay Leno

[Stand W]

What's a French kid say on halloween?

Trick or retreat.

[AngieGal]

A guy walks into a psychologist's office all hot and bothered.

"I'm a wigwam, I'm a tee-pee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tee-pee..." he say.

"Sit down...", says the psychologist, "... you're two tents."

[patriciaruth]

The paomnnehel pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are. The olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?


Hpapy Hnuakanh!!

[kempster]

Answer to Number 4.

"Smite them if they can't take a yoke."

[Pappy Smear]

A husband and wife just went to bed. The husband started snuggling up to the wife, and said, "Watcha think honey, how about a little lovin'?"

The wife replied, "I'd like to dear, but remember, I have my gynelogical exam first thing in the morning, and I want to stay fresh for that."

The husband replied, "Oh," and rolled over to his side of the bed.

A few moments later the husband says, "Honey, do you have a dentist appointment in the morning too?"

[Imaverygooddriver]

"What`s the difference between Windows XP and John Kerry? Windows XP works once in a while."

[vetvetdoug]

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and legs? Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or penis? Still no f****** eye deer.

[The Klingon]

API and UPI reported today that the French Government announced Yesterday that it has raised it's terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate"

This may have been precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of their White Flag factories, disabling their Military for the time being.

[patriciaruth]

bleck!! gag!!

[SoDak]

Whoah, the master list.

[airborne]

Excellent! LOL! I didn't see that punchline coming!

[bad company]

So this blonde police officer pulls over another blonde for speeding and asks her for her drivers license.

The blonde driver begins searching in her purse to no avail, after a few minutes she looks up at the officer ans asks what it looks like. the officer says " It's about "so" big and has your picture on it."

She looks a little longer, finds her compact, opens it up see's her image and says "here it is" handing it to the officer.

The blonde officer takes it from her looks at it, sees her reflection and says "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were a police officer, you can go."

[Salo]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for
the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly
put Santa's flying skills to the test...

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous
payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's
that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said,
"I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over
to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on
takeoff."

[bitt]

good one

[SupplySider]

What's European heaven? The French are the cooks, the English are the police, the Germans are the mechanics, the Swiss are the administrators, and the Italians are the lovers.

What's European hell? The French are the mechanics, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the police, the Swiss are the lovers, and the Italians are the administrators.

[Darksheare]

LOL!!
Perhaps I shall send along my coffee recipe??

[Rome2000]

What has 4 legs and eats ants?

2 UNCLES!!!!!!!

[CoCoJack]

From the Canteen......

SIGNS

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

---

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

---

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

---

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

---

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

---

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

---

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

---

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

---

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

---

On an Electrician's truck :
"Let us remove your shorts."

---

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

---

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

---

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

---

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

---

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

---

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

---

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

---

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

---

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

---

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

---

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

---

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

---

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."

---

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."