Posted on 01/06/2004 12:06:06 AM PST by JohnHuang2
'The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands'
Posted: January 6, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern
© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com
Why did you write this book aiming at the women – aren't both responsible for the quality of the marriage?
Of course! However, women are in the unique position of having an extraordinary amount of influence over their husbands, which when exercised thoughtfully, compassionately, lovingly and intelligently results in a happier husband who will "swim through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade."
Women seem not to understand, or underestimate, the profound power they have over their husbands. Men are very emotionally dependent upon women from the day they are born to the day they expire. This book teaches women to use this power benevolently – which will definitely result in them being happier with life and love.
What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?
- Their women don't seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs
- Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them
- Their women don't seem to want to go out of their way to please them
- Their women nag, demand, and complain – and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so
- Their women don't make them feel truly needed and valued as men
What are husbands' most important needs?
- He wants to feel like a "man" to his woman; he wants to feel he is providing and protecting
- He wants to feel she needs and admires him
- He wants to know she desires him
- Basically, "The Three A's": appreciation, approval and affection
What is the No. 1 worst mistake women make with respect to being happy in their marriages?
They marinate in negatives. It is typical of women to fester and ferment over disappointments, slights, annoyances, angers, etc. Women, more typically than men, will go over it ad infinitum in the own heads, with their mothers, sisters, friends, co-workers, neighbors, social groups (remember Jerry McGuire?) – in doing so they reinforce the negative and create a bad attitude – one which turns into entitlement for not being particularly nice.
Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart – it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.
All through the book you say "men are simple" ... isn't that an insult?
Not at all! In fact, most all of the many hundreds of responses I received from men in preparing this book confirmed just that: "Men are only interested in two things: If I'm not horny, make me a sandwich," and "As a man, I can tell you our needs are simple. We want to be fed, we want our kids mothered, and we want lovin'."
What about sex? Are wives obligated to give their husbands sex on demand?
As a woman who happens to believe that orgasms are a fabulous gift and blessing from God, I am amazed at how many women callers are willing to give them up to the gods of "I'm tired," or "I'm annoyed." Now, anyone cannot be in the mood from time to time – that's natural. However, the denigration of male sexual needs (They are just animals) and the use of sex to punish or control (You didn't do what I wanted) and inappropriate prioritizing (My work and children take all my energy) are self-centered and self-defeating.
I ask my women callers who complain that their husbands are not happy with virtually no sexual intimacy (and, by the way, that's what the men truly feel about sex with their wives – it's the ultimate in "acceptance and approval" for them) if they would be satisfied with that profound a rejection and dismissal. They always say, "No, I guess not." Frankly, too many women treat their husbands as accessories instead of priorities.
Are there any marital situations for which your book does not apply?
Yes, most definitely. Where the behavior of the husbands is blatantly destructive, dangerous or evil, this book does not apply.
However, these ideas and techniques have salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating and even seemingly dead marriages. When I nag a woman caller to try just one simple behavior for one day, I inevitably get the call back that they are amazed at the difference a day made.
Are you going to write the book for men on the proper care and feeding of wives?
Nope. Men are born of women and between girlfriends and then a wife; men spend their entire lives in the tutelage of women. What women accept or reject is largely the guiding force for what men will and won't do. When they are treated with the Three A's, they naturally, and in gratitude and affection, give their women the attention, regard, respect, support and love they want.
The ideas and techniques in this book are simple and sweet. What a blessing for women to know that they largely control their own happiness! My job is to get their prejudices and bad attitudes out of their own way. Transforming your guy into a loving man is its own reward.
I'm a woman who often looks but rarely buys little frivolous things for myself. When we're out shopping, my husband tends to notice the things that I look at or comment upon. Rather than storing that information in his memory for a future surprise, he will sometimes stop right then and say, "You like those? Let's buy you one......which one do you like?" Even if it's just an inexpensive item, I am always thrilled when he does this, especially when he joins in and helps me with the selection process. We're both assured that I'm getting something that I really like, yet the spontaneity of the gift giving is still there......and the positive comments we get from salespeople when he does this are an added benefit for both of us.
Are you saying it is difficult to give all because of his infidelity, or because you just don't like doing it?
If both of you can change your hearts toward one another he won't be interested. If both of you can't recommit to loving each other, it will only be a matter of time.
I cannot fathom that about men. If it's just sex, why marry at all? Why commit yourself to someone and promise to be faithful when all you really want is to get laid?
For most men, it is only the notion that sex outside of marriage is wrong that ever gets them to marry. With a woman, the relationship must be there for the sex. With a man, the sex must be there for the relationship. Probably the bitterest dissappointment in a man's life is to stand before Almighty God and make an unconditional covenant of marriage to a woman and then find that a random woman off the street is more likely to be willing to satisfy his urges than his wife. He feels betrayed not only by his wife, but by God. He has given his freedom, his income, his life to a woman who night after night refuses to even acknowledge any desire for him.
He has been lured into a trap, one that he will spend his life in. His sex drive becomes a daily torment. He is faced with a choice, his promise to God to be faithful to a woman that every day he grows to hate a little bit more in spite of all his efforts to love her, and the cute young thing who admires his looks, his car, his income, etc. Surprisingly, most men simply trudge through life enduring this situation, trying to love their wives and be faithful to them, all the while thinking that at least they get to die early.
Glad you are enjoying yourself... lol
I don't mean to seem inept here, but I am just looking for answers. What is good enough? When is it going to be good enough? Will it EVER be good enough? Why does a relationship need to be THIS complicated?
And yes, this is MADE to be complicated, because by what I have learned here (and in life), women are complicated people. They constantly analyze, and THEN they analyze the results of their analysis! They are constantly evaluating.
So please forgive me if I seem to be a little confused!
I told him in order for me to be able to stay, he had to change. I meant inside, in the heart, as in accept Christ and see the world the way Christ sees it. He believes but in a worldly sort of way. I realize I cannot force this change on him, only God can really change him. And I have stayed without the change, but it is difficult knowing that he doesn't really 'understand' if you know what I mean.
For most men, it is only the notion that sex outside of marriage is wrong that ever gets them to marry.
I appreciate your brutal honesty. Can't say I like the answers, but they are appreciated. Guess it goes to show us what this world would look like if the Christians just went away one day. 8 *)
My husband always tells me I think too much. I had become better at just accepting him for who is, but if you'll notice in my conversation with hopespringseteral, I too am confused right now.
Good luck, though. Isn't life just a bowl of cherry...pits! Keeps it interesting though. ; * )
Good luck, though. Isn't life just a bowl of cherry...pits! Keeps it interesting though. ; * )
LOL!
You are confused at a very confusing thing, so don't feel bad about it. Your husband is right on target. I have always thought that a good woman for me is one who simply appreciates me for WHO I AM, for my passions, for my ambitions, for my goals. I have long known that I want to be with a woman who does appreciate and respect me, and also find a woman for myself that I appreciate and respect. This is the most important thing IMHO (the makings for a good foundation, if you will) and the rest is maintenance, or the "care and feeding of..." as Dr. Laura describes.
Hey, we can all get along and I maintain that civil communication is the key.
Don't worry, what men are looking for doesn't exist either. Only by working to be what each other wants can our marriages be blessings. Nothing worthwhile is free. But anything worthwhile is also worth working for. The fruit that you till the ground for, plant, fight the insects and snakes for, is far sweeter than the fruit that you just pick up.
Let's face it, if men think that way, it doesn't matter how much I give. If something prettier and younger comes along and is interested, if he has not really changed, he'll go for it.
If you make the effort, you may find out he has changed. By the way, if it took him fifteen years to wind up having an affair, he probably isn't prone to doing it. Sex isn't all that men want, unless they aren't getting it. So many women are afraid that if they start pleasing their husbands they will wind up chained to the bed getting their brains screwed out 24/7. The opposite is true. The more you do to convince him that you desire him, the less affirmation he will need through sex.
Just like a man can never spend enough on flowers or jewelry for the needy, insecure woman, the man who has to badger his wife for sex never gets enough because what he gets does not affirm his value to her.
If you make no effort, you are simply planning to fail. If you don't make the effort, you will never know what could have been. If you make the effort and he still winds up with another woman, then you will have absolved your own conscience.
We all want the other person to be what we want them to be first, so that we can really believe they are truly devoted to us. But that is selfish and destructive. If both people think that way, the marriage is doomed from the start. Both have to jump in with both feet working to please each other.
It sounds to me like you have the answer to your dilemma at your fingertips, but you're looking in the wrong place. What is God telling you about this marriage? Do you feel that the marriage is part of His plan for your life? If so, I would say that your answer is to throw yourself into it wholeheartedly, trusting God to work out the details in His own time. If, on the other hand, you feel that the marriage is not a part of His plan for you, then nothing your or your husband do is ever going to make it feel right. Rather than fretting over whether or not you can trust your husband, take your guidance from the One you can trust......everything else will fall into place.
Wonderful analogy there.
If you make no effort, you are simply planning to fail. If you don't make the effort, you will never know what could have been. If you make the effort and he still winds up with another woman, then you will have absolved your own conscience.
Yeah, I think I realize this, just hard accepting it. Believe me, the effort is there on both sides...just seems we're both prone to giving up easier. I'm tending to put the walls up in case it happens again, and he in case I revert to the old me. I'm not quite that far gone, but the shadows of my former self even scare me. Very shaky time.
We all want the other person to be what we want them to be first, so that we can really believe they are truly devoted to us. But that is selfish and destructive. If both people think that way, the marriage is doomed from the start. Both have to jump in with both feet working to please each other.
Are you a counselor? Geez! You just keep hitting the nail right on the head. Thanks so much for the words. Sometimes we know, we just don't want to know, so hearing makes it easier to accept. You really seem to have insight into this. 8 * )
BINGO! Another freeper hits the nail on the head. I'm having a very difficult time trusting God again. It's a long story, but my faith went through the wringer during this whole thing. It's almost like it's not just about my marriage, but a battle for my soul. I pray every night to stand firm in my faith. One thing for sure, if I get through this standing, I will have great compassion for others when they are standing on shifting sand. 8 * )
Yes, I do appreciate the small gestures, but this technique works just as well on grand gestures. In fact, my husband frequently manages to turn it into a grand gesture by steering me away from the sales racks or costume jewelry that I'm looking at, and saying something like, "If you want a XXXXXX, let's go over here and buy you a nice one!" Sometimes I go for it, but sometimes I reel him back in by explaining that I'm just looking for a little fun item that day. Anyway, the point is not the cost of the item.......it's his technique. Not only is he assured of buying me something that I really like, but he manages to make me feel like a queen (in public!) while he's doing it. It's a win/win situation, and neither of us ever have to complain that I don't like the things he buys for me.
Your kidding of course he took the time and effort to bring you something, anything and it just wasn't good enough. So the thought doesn't count after all and you stopped getting flowers.
I can't for the life of me figure out what happened.
I'm guessing it's your world and he is just trying to get along in it, but for anything to give you pleasure it has to be 'perfect' and he has to do everything 'right' or it doesn't count. You really should get over yourself.
I'm guessing you don't have a clue about me or who I am and you're just having a 'moment' and will get over it.
Of course I was wrong for my attitude, as I suggested. I got over myself a long time ago. Would suggest you do the same. Good day. 8 * )
If that's the case, then you have placed yourself and your husband in a no win situation. If you can't trust your Creator, then you have no basis to trust yourself. Your marital demand has been that your husband turn himself completely over to God.......but now you're saying it's a God you don't trust. So even if your husband meets your demands, you will have no basis to trust him either. It sounds to me like you have clearly defined your problem, and it doesn't originate with the marriage. Perhaps you need to ask yourself if it's really God that you don't trust or if you simply don't trust your own willingness or ability to hear Him.
I haven't demanded this of him...I know that that is between him and God and the only thing I can do is pray.
Perhaps you need to ask yourself if it's really God that you don't trust or if you simply don't trust your own willingness or ability to hear Him.
I think my agreement with what is being posted on here shows a willingness to hear him...What is lacking is that trust that "all things work to the good for those who love God." I've lost that peace that surpasses all understanding. In its place is doubt, confusion, and feeling like I lack the ability to get back to where I was. Very hard to explain...
Running out to the store now...we have snow here. Must get the milk and bread...8 * )
Want to say thanks again for all those of you who are taking the time to discuss a stranger's personal problems. Much of it is confirming what I already knew, but sometimes don't want to accept. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
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