I told him in order for me to be able to stay, he had to change. I meant inside, in the heart, as in accept Christ and see the world the way Christ sees it. He believes but in a worldly sort of way. I realize I cannot force this change on him, only God can really change him. And I have stayed without the change, but it is difficult knowing that he doesn't really 'understand' if you know what I mean.
For most men, it is only the notion that sex outside of marriage is wrong that ever gets them to marry.
I appreciate your brutal honesty. Can't say I like the answers, but they are appreciated. Guess it goes to show us what this world would look like if the Christians just went away one day. 8 *)
Don't worry, what men are looking for doesn't exist either. Only by working to be what each other wants can our marriages be blessings. Nothing worthwhile is free. But anything worthwhile is also worth working for. The fruit that you till the ground for, plant, fight the insects and snakes for, is far sweeter than the fruit that you just pick up.
Let's face it, if men think that way, it doesn't matter how much I give. If something prettier and younger comes along and is interested, if he has not really changed, he'll go for it.
If you make the effort, you may find out he has changed. By the way, if it took him fifteen years to wind up having an affair, he probably isn't prone to doing it. Sex isn't all that men want, unless they aren't getting it. So many women are afraid that if they start pleasing their husbands they will wind up chained to the bed getting their brains screwed out 24/7. The opposite is true. The more you do to convince him that you desire him, the less affirmation he will need through sex.
Just like a man can never spend enough on flowers or jewelry for the needy, insecure woman, the man who has to badger his wife for sex never gets enough because what he gets does not affirm his value to her.
If you make no effort, you are simply planning to fail. If you don't make the effort, you will never know what could have been. If you make the effort and he still winds up with another woman, then you will have absolved your own conscience.
We all want the other person to be what we want them to be first, so that we can really believe they are truly devoted to us. But that is selfish and destructive. If both people think that way, the marriage is doomed from the start. Both have to jump in with both feet working to please each other.
It sounds to me like you have the answer to your dilemma at your fingertips, but you're looking in the wrong place. What is God telling you about this marriage? Do you feel that the marriage is part of His plan for your life? If so, I would say that your answer is to throw yourself into it wholeheartedly, trusting God to work out the details in His own time. If, on the other hand, you feel that the marriage is not a part of His plan for you, then nothing your or your husband do is ever going to make it feel right. Rather than fretting over whether or not you can trust your husband, take your guidance from the One you can trust......everything else will fall into place.