Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

Puff List ^ | 9/5/03 | francisandbeans

[Just another Joe]

Join the FR smokers lounge bump list...click on the logo

Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...

Smoker's Lounge

Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...

Smoke 'em if you got 'em shssh
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aaaaa,:`___________________________||`,:'.",`.;'`,:'.',`: <--------Life is good!
A very special thank you to Registered for providing us with this fine logo....we will bear it with pride.

[Don W]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.







So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers went out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING






Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY





That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

Nudist Colony: Go slow for the chicks!

[Don W]

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated , a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ..................the restauranteur

Guday................... the half-Australian brother

Huray.................... the sports fanatic

Bejay......................the gay brother

Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother

Sayhay....................the baseball player

Ojay........................the stalker / murderer

Gulay......................the singer / entertainer

Ebay.......................the internet czar

Biliray......................the country music star

Ecksray...................the radiologist

Puray.......................the blender factory owner

Regay......................the half-Jamaican brother

Tupay......................the one with bad hair.

Among the sisters:

Pusay.......................the 'loose' 22 yr old

Lattay........................the coffee shop owner

Bufay.........................the 300 pound sister

Dushay......................the clean sister

Phayray.....................the zoo worker in the gorilla house

Sapheway..................the grocery store owner

Ollay..........................the half-mexican sister

Gudlay........................the prostitute

More will no doubt be discovered.

---

[MissTargets]

Can I get you a libation?

Thank you

[Just another Joe]

One more then I gotta go for a while. Keep the crowd entertained, will you?

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and agirl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"







"Denephew. "

[Just another Joe]

Ahh, so you do know about the lounge.
When the bartender's busy - get it yourself.

[Don W]

Hello, itzmygun! Have a giggle on me.



I firmly believe in all the examples of stupidity as I had a similar experience in the local coffee shop.

My bill came to fifty three cents. Not wanting a pocketful of pennies, I offered a dollar bill and three cents in payment. If the manageress hadn't been passing the till at the time, I'd still be standing there while the young cashier figured out that I required two quarters in change.

Yikes!!

Wm.(my mother's cousin)





ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.



TWO

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Wal*Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help? I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper; what do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers . One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT


Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

[SeaDragon]

Morning Joe, good to see you.

It is still a little early for me but the last two weeks have been the pits so line 'em up and lets rock...

[Don W]

Well, gotta leave for work now, so I'll drop a joke on ya and scurry outta here. Be back after 18:30 to see if there are any survivors (BG).





On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

---

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

---

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

---

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

---

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

---

An Air Force Chief Master Sargent and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

---

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

[Conspiracy Guy]

Howdy.

[Conspiracy Guy]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes,that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[SeaDragon]

LOLOL

Those were funny, thanks.

They brightened my day for sure.

[MeekOneGOP]

Afternoon, Joe, Maxwell ! Happy Friday, everybody !! ...

The farmer and Roy the Rooster ...

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Roy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Roy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Roy. The farmer takes Roy home and sets him down in the barnyard. He gave the rooster a pep talk. "Roy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Roy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Roy took off like a shot. WHAM! - Roy nails every hen in the hen house -- three or four times --and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Roy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Roy after a flock of geese. Once again, WHAM! - He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Roy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Roy dead as a doornail -- stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,shakes his head and says, "Oh Roy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Roy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer... "

[Fawnn]

This inhale is for you!

(I choose to inhale cigarette smoke. It's the perfume stuff I can't avoid in public that I protest!) ;)

[MeekOneGOP]

Watcha afraid of? We don't bite. (usually) ;^)

LOL !! Now over at the DU, they are featurin' hill clintoon, and SHE does! :O) ...

http://www.las-cruces.org/museums/natural-history/images/hillary.jpg
Click here or on the pic !!

[Conspiracy Guy]

Pic of Spears and Shillery on stage.

[MeekOneGOP]

Wow, what a pic !! ...

[Conspiracy Guy]

Shillery looks normal enough but Britney should wear more clothes.

[Focault's Pendulum]

Hiya Joe...haven't been around for awhile...nice to see the lounge is still here.

[Fawnn]

Will this golf game suffice?

http://www.addictinggames.com/miniputt.html

[CSM]

As if Freeping isn't enough of a distraction, you go and do that to me........My boss says thanks!