9 Things Public Schools Won't Tell You About The First Thanksgiving

The Bee ^ | Nov 26, 2024 | The Bee

[dayglored]

It's Thanksgiving week, which brings back memories of what you learned in school about the first Thanksgiving, where pilgrim settlers and natives gathered in peace to eat food, debate about who the land belonged to, and watch the Macy's parade. But what about the things they didn't teach you in school?

The Babylon Bee is here to fill in the gaps left by the things public school won't tell you about the first Thanksgiving:

1. The Patriots defeated the Redskins 42-3 in the first Thanksgiving Day football game: It was just the first of what would be many slaughters.

2. The turkey was carved by none other than a young Joe Biden: Historian accounts tell of how young Joe enjoyed sniffing the hair of young Indian girls.

3. Even though they were starving, the pilgrims politely passed on the Indians' marshmallow jello salad: There are fates worse than death.

4. French settlers in Canada got the date wrong and accidentally celebrated a month early: A tradition that continues to this day.

5. Pilgrim wives rushed off following the meal to get doorbuster deals at Kohl's: Bonnets and shoes with large silver buckles on them were going for half price.

6. Indians were suspicious of the hot dish labeled "smallpox": One Indian did politely end up taking some of it home, though no one is sure what happened after that.

7. Scandal erupted after it was revealed that the pilgrims' potato salad was store-bought: The tell-tale clear plastic clamshell container was reportedly found in the trash can.

8. Several pilgrims still ended up dying of starvation after they got tired of eating leftover turkey sandwiches: Even the hungry can only eat so much turkey.

9. The holiday was later named for the man who came up with the idea, Bob Thanksgiving: And for Bob, we are all truly thankful.

Your public school education may have robbed you of this valuable knowledge, but now you know the whole story.

[dayglored]

Now you know!

[Jim W N]

...and BYW for those of you who don’t know, Abe Lincoln set the day of Thanksgiving, and he wasn’t really very religious.

BTW, does anyone know why they moved Thanksgiving Day from the third Thursday of the month to the fourth Thursday?

[Redcitizen]

As a bonafide redskin, #1 cracked me up. 😁

[Da Coyote]

‘Publik Skoolz’ won’t tell you about pretty much everything that’s actually true.

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

FDR moved it to the third Thursday so there would be another week for shopping.

No one liked it. So finally in response to public pressure Franksgiving was tossed onto the ash heap of history where it belonged.

[Jamestown1630]

I don’t see how anyone can think that store-bought potato salad could be anything like home-made - even in Satire Land.

[sauropod]

Ping!

[Tell It Right]

10. The reason we have turkey instead of ham on Thanksgiving is to honor the Pilgrims saying goodbye to No-Tongue-Ham-Shire county.

11. Everybody rode on the Mayflower because they got tired of waiting for the Speedwell to charge to 100%.

12. While on the Mayflower, the children watched VHS episodes of Scrooby-Doo.

13. The Wampanoag furthered our capitalist society by starting Christmas shopping in October.

[Tell It Right]

BTW, does anyone know why they moved Thanksgiving Day from the third Thursday of the month to the fourth Thursday?

IIRC, it used to be on the last Thursday, which sometimes meant the 5th Thursday. And during the Great Depression, in a year that November had 5 Thursdays, the retailers begged it be moved to 4th Thursday to give them an extra week of Christmas shopping and maybe make a profit that year.

[Zack Attack]

“BTW, does anyone know why they moved Thanksgiving Day from the third Thursday of the month to the fourth Thursday?”

To give people more recovery time after Halloween and stores more time to sell off Halloween inventories.

[Organic Panic]

“BTW, does anyone know why they moved Thanksgiving Day from the third Thursday of the month to the fourth Thursday?”

Just another friendly reminder that government controls EVERYTHING. Even the time (see Daylight Savings Time)

[The Spirit Of Allegiance]

I'll try to drumstick up some support for this hot-potato issue, for those who still give a yam.



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[Ezekiel]

Then there was that whole argument over dot or feather..

Yet amaizingly, no one could connect the two.

[lightman]

Ping!

[Carriage Hill]

In for the coming Friday. Thx.