Posted on 08/03/2024 8:16:29 PM PDT by DoodleBob
No relationship, even the strongest ones, exists without at least an occasional argument. What separates resilient couples from others is the way they're able to handle conflict.
The way partners communicate is the most important, especially when feelings run high and tempers are heated. "Before you speak, take a beat to consider the impact of what you want to say," says Shari Foos, M.A., M.F.T., M.S., founder nonprofit group program The Narrative Method. "Try to anticipate how the information might make your partner feel, so you can show empathy to them while expressing what you want to say. Try writing out what you want to communicate from your perspective. Then edit it until you feel you can say it compassionately without skirting the truth.
Sometimes, the most essential piece of the puzzle is knowing when to put a conversation on pause. "It's always okay to wait, even when the feelings are urgent," Foos adds. "If you're too worked up, you won't be as thoughtful. It's fine to say, 'I want to share my feelings, but I need some time to gather my thoughts.'"
The opposite of that, though, is snapping, blurting out hurtful things or putting a partner on the defensive. With that in mind, here are nine phrases to never say to a partner. They're not likely to lead to a productive discussion or lead to greater empathy. "Nobody wants their feelings to be ignored, particularly when either or both of you are already dealing with stress," Foos says. "Starting with a complaint inevitably puts the other person on the defensive and when our insecurities are evoked, we are less able to appreciate the other person's perspective." To keep things on the right track, strike these phrases from your mind.
This shows that it's over, and there's no point in even trying to hash things out. "Even if that's how you're feeling in the moment, even if you're ready to break up, why bother having a conversation if you don't want to try to understand each other?" Foos says. "It's not worth the temporary relief of blurting out your feelings when you're putting your partner's vulnerability and the future of your relationship at risk. Instead, choose your words and be aware of the body language that brings nuance to your communication."
Anyone who's been on the receiving end of this one knows how frustrating it can be — it's dismissive to the point of being downright gaslighting. "Defensiveness is a maladaptive communication strategy," says Catherine Nobile, Psy.D., psychologist and owner/director of Nobile Psychology in New York. "It comes off as blaming. It shuts your partner's experience down and effectively sends the message that they are the problem."
In general, it's best to entirely avoid telling a partner how they feel. "We really don't know how someone is feeling, and it's their prerogative to either share that information or not," says Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist and author of Healing From Toxic Relationships. "It's important to embrace and support their autonomy, including letting someone feel what they feel." Try to be more open to a partner's true emotions, what they're trying to communicate and why they may seem so heated — if they're in the mood to share any of that at all.
Even if it's true, calling something "none of your business" just makes it seem like there's something to hide. "It’s healthy to have some privacy in a relationship, but secrets can be harmful," says Amy Morin, LCSW, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do. "If you want to keep something private, explain that you don’t want to share a social media password, or you aren’t going to talk about a private conversation you had with a family member because you're setting a boundary surrounding your privacy, not because it’s not their business."
The threat is empty at best, or self-fulfilling at worst. "Unless you really mean it, don't use the threat of ending your relationship as a way to get them to take your complaints seriously or to change in the direction you want them to," says Stephanie Manes, LCSW, a relationship therapist in New York City. "In a moment of intense frustration or hopelessness, it's a natural reflex to say. 'I give up!' But if you keep saying it, you amplify the feeling that your whole relationship is on shaky ground."
In fact, these threats can send a relationship in the opposite direction of where it should be headed. "Ending an argument with the 'D-word' can stop your partner in their tracks," Dr. Sarkis adds. "It can prevent productive discussions, since you've sent the message to your partner that you no longer value the relationship." Rather than using that time and energy talking about throwing in the towel, it's better to address frustrations directly in the hopes of coming up with solutions.
When there's unequal division of labor in a relationship — or even the perception of it — of course resentment is going to build. But this isn't the most productive way to bring it up. "You’re discounting everything your partner contributes to the relationship," Morin says. "It won’t motivate them to change their behavior. Instead, it implies you're a martyr and they’re taking advantage of your kindness."
It's better to sit down and have each person go over their own responsibilities — which could be eye-opening on both sides‚ with each party learning what the other does that might not have been immediately apparent — and try to figure out a way to make a fairer split.
Nobody wants to feel like they're second best. "It's a low blow and puts your partner in competition with your ex," Manes says. "It creates relationship insecurity and decreases the likelihood that complaint will ever actually be heard."
"Comparisons can also breed jealousy and resentment toward the person they are being compared to, adding unnecessary tension to the relationship," Dr. Nobile adds. "Rather than making comparisons and criticisms, valuing your partner's unique traits and communicating openly about any concerns is essential, fostering a relationship built on mutual respect and understanding."
No one wants to be on the receiving end of the blame game. "It takes two people to contribute to problems and both people have responsibility for repairing them," Morin says. Even if one partner really does have a problem that's causing issues in the relationship, like one person drinking too much, assigning blame isn't going to help, Morin says. Instead, both partners need to come together, communicate with each other clearly, support each other and work together to overcome the issue.
Ideally, we shouldn't speak to anyone this way, let alone a romantic partner. In a relationship, it's a huge red flag — and also a sign that things aren't working. "Speaking to a romantic partner with contempt is the largest predictor of ending a relationship," Dr. Nobile says. "By speaking to your partner as though they're beneath you, you are attacking safety, trust and respect in the relationship. Research shows that contempt has negative effects on physical, psychological and relational health," and may be a sign that more help is needed.
Similarly, "always" and "never" are words that shut down a conversation rather than fostering it. "Making broad, sweeping, negative statements about your partner suggests that you only see what they do wrong, not what they also get right," Manes says. "And it's an open invitation for them to argue why your statement isn't true. In either case, you miss the chance to have them actually listen to you."
"If the same issue continues to arise and it remains unsettled," Foos says, "then the two of you have to put yourselves aside to appreciate each other's thoughts and feelings. We have to humbly appreciate that we can never truly know what another person is feeling no matter how well you think you know them or how many times you've been through 'this same issue.'"
My wife and I have been married 44 years. Whenever we have a fight, it’s nothing new.
It’s usually a repeat of an argument we may have had 20-30 years ago. We are too insync now to have current fights.
I remember when I was a kid I would listen to my grandfather and grandmother argue like crazy.
I was always the analytical sort so I tried to figure out what was happening that caused the arguments and kept them going.
After a while I figured out they both had two problems:
—Their hearing was not great and they were misunderstanding what the other person said
—They were forgetting things and then wrongly blaming the other person.
So, now that I am older I have a couple of tricks to keep everybody calm.
If my wife said “you said X” and I don’t recall saying X I just tell her the truth in a nice way.
“My memory is not that good these days so I am sure you are not surprised that I do not remember that.”
Then if my wife does not understand me or misunderstands me I slow down my speech, move closer to her to make sure she can hear me and simplify it to make sure she can understand it.
That works well.
We get to make jokes about memory and hearing loss—and everything is good.
10. You just farted so loud you woke yourself up and looked abound and went, ‘huh?’ and then went back to sleep.
11. One of your boobs is bigger or lower than the other one.
The best fights are those where one of you realizes how patently stupid is the argument, then says just the right thing.
“That is just so stupid.”
“Well, you know Bob, it’s not as stupid as you trying to cook dinner.”
…and both of you crack up and make up.
Do not bring other people into your fights and do not bring other people's problems into your marriage.
One thing I observed as a single is that when men or women get together and start bad mouthing their spouses it quickly turns into a game of "Topper". And that is not a game you want to play or even be around. You can have the most wonderful husband or wife in the world but that amount of negativity will sour the way you see them.
I think cops, lawyers or faggots when I here anyone use that term.
How about things you should say: “Here, have some wine.”
Yeah, you’re probably right. But she was a beauty. Here she is, taunting me online by holding one of my stolen records.
(Am I just kidding here? Maybe.)
When I see the word “partner,” I think fayg.
2. “Calm down, you’re overreacting.”
Anyone who’s been on the receiving end of this one knows how frustrating it can be — it’s dismissive to the point of being downright gaslighting. “Defensiveness is a maladaptive communication strategy,” says Catherine Nobile, Psy.D., psychologist and owner/director of Nobile Psychology
So, it is impossible to overreact, and calmness is bad? Or, if either of those things are valid (i.e. “true”), then it should not be said. In other words, humor the person who acting crazy? Basically, reward their insanity? No.
Off topic, but the Reverend Jim drivers test/“what does a yellow light mean?” scene from the TV show “Taxi” is one of the funniest things ever.
Yes, it is irritating, isn't it?
since it wasn’t included in the list, i assume that “SHUT UP!” is OK ...
“Defensiveness is a maladaptive communication strategy,”
I guess that the response to “you’re being defensive” should not be “yes, it’s so strange how people who are being attacked get defensive.”
When are you ever going to …?
Here’s something you should never say in bed to a woman: “that oughta’ hold you for a while, Gertrude....”
-George Miller (comedian)
I’ll have to remember that one.
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