Posted on 06/18/2021 5:56:02 AM PDT by Red Badger
While you might think it'd be easy to spot the signs it's time to break up with someone, it isn't always crystal clear. And this is especially true in emotionally abusive situations.
If your partner is trying to control or manipulate you, it can create an atmosphere where even the biggest deal-breakers in a relationship suddenly seem normal. But if you keep an eye out for red flags — including the types of things toxic partners say that often point to underlying character flaws — you can start deciding if the relationship is truly working for you.
The moment one of their comments stands out as "strange," approach your partner and mention that "you've noticed behaviors that you're concerned with," Isolde Sundet, M.A., LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor, tells Bustle. See if it's possible to have a discussion in order to work on improving your relationship.
Remember, though, that emotionally abusive relationships are complex, Sundet says, and often difficult to leave. A toxic partner certainly isn't going to agree they're being toxic, and they aren't going to be easy to break up with, either. But with outside help — from friends, family, a therapist, or hotline — it will be possible to do so.
If your partner says any of the things listed below, experts say it may be time to move on.
1
They Get Weird About A Lie
If you catch your partner lying, or suspect that they might be, "notice their reaction when confronted," Sundet says. "If your partner consistently tells you [they don't] know why they are lying, there could be a significant problem."
Generally, she says, people know why they're lying, and only pretend they don't as a way of covering something up. And the same is true if they lash out at you.
2
They're Rude To Strangers
Does your partner snap at servers in restaurants? What about Uber drivers or people on tech lines?
As Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, an NYC-based therapist, tells Bustle, you should "pay close to attention to how your partner treats those who serve them," as well as strangers on the street.
While they may be super nice to you, because they're dating you, how they talk to others is a sign of their true character.
3
They're Mean To Family Members
Keep an eye on how they treat their family and friends, too, Hershenson says. Because if they can't be kind to their grandma? Well, that really says a lot.
4
They Tell You How To Think
"A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, compromise, and open communication," Jonathan Bennett, a relationship expert at Double Trust Dating, tells Bustle. Not "being right" or attempting to change how someone thinks.
In fact, telling a partner how to think is a common technique manipulative people use, and it's one that can quickly escalate from seemingly innocent comments to full-on control.
5
They Say You Can't Go Somewhere
A partner should never try to set rules for you, Bennett says, including saying where you can or cannot go, or who you can see. Since abusive people often try to isolate their partner from friends and family so that they have total control, this a huge red flag.
But even less intense "rules" can be a sign of a problem — like maybe they say you can't go to bars alone because it makes them jealous. It's something you'll want to discuss ASAP, to see if you can work through it and create a more balanced relationship.
6
They Insist You Act A Certain Way
A good partner will never make you feel bad for for being you. They won't tell you to stop talking, they won't claim you're being "embarrassing," or say that you aren't intelligent. So keep an eye out for these types of comments.
On the one hand, if you're constantly rubbing each other the wrong way, it might just be a sign you aren't compatible. But on the other, it could also hint at underlying toxicity.
7
They Comment On Your Appearance
If your partner can't stop commenting on your clothes, your body shape — or worse, if they start telling you what to wear — it's yet another red flag.
This is a classic manipulation tactic that's often used during emotional abuse, Whitney Hawkins, M.S.Ed, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist, tells Bustle, but one that's easy to overlook.
The idea is to ruin your self-esteem so that they're in control. And that's obviously not OK.
8
They Direct Their Anger At You
Everyone is allowed to have intense emotions — to cry, yell, etc. But your partner should never direct their anger at you, take it out on you, or make you feel afraid when they get upset.
"Individuals who feel that they are being routinely criticized, yelled at, or verbally abused by their partner should consider their options and possibly formulate a [safe exit plan out of the relationship]," Hawkins says.
9
They Call You Names
The same is true if they call you names, even if they apologize immediately afterward, or claim they only said something terrible "in the heat of the moment."
According to Hawkins, a good partner will never call you a derogatory name or insult your character or intelligence, no matter how upset they get.
While it's OK to argue in a healthy way and to disagree, it's not OK for arguments to routinely turn toxic.
10
They Claim "Everything Is Your Fault"
Your partner also shouldn't act like you're causing all the issues in your relationship because 1) problems are never just one person's fault and 2) that's a toxic and unfair mentality to have.
"If their anger is always because you 'did something wrong' or they say you wouldn't fight so much 'if only you didn't act this way,' it is time to move on from the relationship," Hershenson says.
11
They Threaten You
Any type of comment that even hints at abuse or assault shouldn't be ignored.
In fact, "if your partner ever threatens to [hurt] you," Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, a relationship counselor and director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, tells Bustle, you should break up and leave, as soon as possible.
They might try to pass it off as a joke, or promise to never do it again in order to get you to stay. But since this is about safety, Bilek says, don't let your decision be swayed.
12
They "Have A Lot Going On Right Now"
Switching gears, let's talk about other comments that might mean you should break up, including the classic "I have a lot going on right now" line.
When people don't want to commit, they often say they're too busy for a relationship, and that's fine. If your partner isn't ready to take things to the next level, they certainly don't have to. This isn't about toxicity as much as it's about mismatched goals.
But if they're giving you relationship-y vibes one minute and then pushing you away the next, you have every right to decide enough is enough.
13
They Won't Make Plans For The Future
In the same vein, you may want to break up if your partner refuses to talk about the future, won't set a date to meet your family, won't plan vacations, etc.
Not only do you deserve to be with someone who envisions a future, Hawkins says "arguments about commitment can signal that there are bigger problems in the relationship and desires are not aligning."
14
They Don't Want Kids
If either of you doesn't want to have kids, that's 100% OK. But it is something you should talk about the moment the relationship gets serious, in order to prevent resentment from forming at some point down the road.
"Often individuals think they will change their partner's mind," Hawkins says. And yet, if there's one thing you really need to agree on, it's procreating.
Talk about your goals for the future and take each other's answers seriously. If you don't want the same things, end the relationship.
15
They Say You're "Bad With Money"
According to social worker Jane Seskin, LCSW, it's important not to let a partner make you feel like you're incapable of handling your own finances. If they offer to be the one in charge of your bank account, it could be a sign of impending economic abuse and/or a way to limit your mobility so you can't leave the relationship.
16
They Threaten To Leave
If your partner gets angry and threatens to break up during an argument, you may be able to work past it. But if they're constantly throwing this threat in your face whenever things get tough, take note.
As therapist Darlene M. Corbett tells Bustle, comments like this one are a manipulation tactic meant to slowly erode your sense of security and self-esteem.
If you're constantly afraid a partner is going to leave, you will eventually give in and stop arguing with them, sharing your opinion, etc. And for an emotionally abusive person, that's exactly what they want.
17
They Say You "Made" Them Do Something
According to Sundet, another common habit among abusive partners is blaming, and then justifying in the same breath. "This could look like, 'You made me upset so I texted X person,'" she says.
So don't ignore this kind of pattern. "The truth is you are not single-handedly responsible for the emotional reactions of anyone else," she says, "including your partner."
18
They Say They're "Worried About You"
Speaking of lies, let's chat about gaslighting and what it is.
Gaslighting is a "manipulative technique that can completely undermine someone's sense of value or worth, and perhaps even worse, can cause them to believe their own thinking is faulty," Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, tells Bustle.
If you ask your partner about an argument, for instance, they might say you aren't remembering it correctly, or they might even pretend to be "worried" about how you aren't remembering it correctly. But it's all a mind game meant to keep you unsure of yourself so they get to be in control.
19
They Claim You Don't Have Any Friends
If your partner is constantly making fun of your friends, claiming you don't have any, or saying yours aren't "good enough for you," take note. It could be their way of making you turn away from others so that you're more reliant on the relationship.
20
They Threaten To Hurt Themselves
And finally, it's a major, major red flag if whenever your partner gets upset, they immediately start threatening to hurt themselves or others as a way to influence an argument.
"It is extremely important to not take these threats lightly," Sundet says. "Identify someone you can trust to confide in and consider seeking professional help."
It'll be tough to break up, and it often takes a long time to process and recover from this type of relationship, but you can definitely do it. If your partner makes these comments, seek some outside support, and move on.
Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
Experts:
Isolde Sundet, M.A., LMHC, licensed mental health counselor
Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, therapist
Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert
Whitney Hawkins, M.S.Ed, LMFT, licensed psychotherapist
Jane Seskin, LCSW, social worker
Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, relationship counselor
Darlene M. Corbett, therapist
Dr. Margaret Rutherford, clinical psychologist
Yeppers.
LOL!...................
I have OCPD and ADD. Everything has to be perfect but not for long.
“She tells you her low income is because men held her back”
Sorry I would get the hell out of there if she believes that, cant deal with victim mentality anymore.
As Willie Nelson once said in a movie line; "She could suck the chrome off a ball hitch".
I've responded to my wife when she asks questions like this with "Do you want to shoot me now, or later?"
Hoovering?
You mean Hovering?...................
***
The first time I heard the term,I replied with your exact words, thinking it was a mispronounced word.
Nope, it is an actual psychological term;
“...hoovering can be defined, in terms of a current or prior toxic narcissistic relationship, where the abusive narcissist tries to seduce and convince the victim to return to the abusive relationship from which she had previously escaped.
The term hoovering derives from the vacuum cleaner corporation, Hoover, and invokes the company’s vacuum cleaners’ process of sucking things in, just as the narcissistic abuser sucks the victim back into the psychologically and, oftentimes, physically abusive relationship.”
From here...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/captivating-crimes/202003/hoovering-and-the-narcissistic-victim
Just wait until you look up the other terms I listed (and there’s many more!)
For instance, check out what flying monkeys are. Then you’ll see the large scope of the NP/BP disorder playbook. Their entire social circle is one of their own manipulation.
Flying monkeys...
“The term ‘flying monkeys’ is another way of saying ‘abuse by proxy’ or having someone else do the bidding of in this case a narcissist. The term flying monkey was coined after the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz that were under the spell of the Wicked Witch of the East, to do her bidding against Dorothy and her friends.
This common narcissistic tactic uses friends and family of the victim to spy on them, spread gossip while painting the narcissist as the victim and their target as the perpetrator. Flying monkeys can be your friends, family, coworkers or the narcissist’s friends, family, or coworkers before you got there. To maintain the illusion of the power they have over you, the narcissist will employ the use of third parties, through which they will attempt to continue control and manipulate you.”
From here...
https://narcissistabusesupport.com/red-flags/use-flying-monkeys/
When you break up with a NP/BP you find out REAL QUICK LIKE how many flying monkeys the NP/BP surround themselves with and manipulate for their own means. And these flying monkeys area very afraid of the wrath/crazy of the NP/BP, so they did their bidding.
You have probably learned to create healthy boundaries for yourself.
Blessings to you and your relationships.
All of them!
Add another:
#21: I’m a vegan.
I think they wrote this about my ex-wife.
I agree.
It’s funny to joke about men being whipped etc, or the woman wears the pants etc, and a lot of movies and TV shows have expressed that. The actuality is women want a strong man, and there are very few relationships where the woman should be the lead. It’s 51/49, someone has to have the controlling vote, and I also believe what the Bible says about it. Man is the head of the house, Christ’s representation to his family. He’s not a weak pushover who does whatever his woman says. He does though love her so much that if necessary he would lay his life down for her as Jesus did for the Church.
That’s a relationship and how it should go, it’s all laid out for us if we’d just take the time to read and understand and then not accept modern society’s idea of making men look weak and stupid.
I just made another comment here that kind of touches on what you said.
Alpha male is what women want is another way to describe how a man should be in his house and with his wife.
At least you dumped the idiot and found a good one, many try to keep going because they feel trapped (my sister for one) and just keep the circle going.
I’m glad things are going great for you and your family, and on a side note, I hope we can restore and keep freedom for the younger ones.
What?
Slurps beer ... ***BEEELLLLLCCCHHHH!!!!***
Hate it when the girl does that.
#2 is the quickest one to find out during a date. If they are rude to wait staff or other service people RUN. It only gets worse.
Not just incurable, but get progressively worse with age. That's why some leftists like to call themselves progressives.
Relationships are both pouring into each other at 100%. However, when I look at strong marriages, using my sister’s for example, they are biblically based. Brother in law is the head of their household. While my sister is the one who manages all the projects because my BIL is far too impulsive. She is the info gatherer, gives him the facts and the ultimate decision is his. He is smart enough and loves her enough to know that she won’t steer them as a couple or the family as a whole, in the wrong direction.
They respect each other’s strengths and roles in the marriage. Neither are weak pushovers. There is no do as I tell you happening there. They both respect each other’s roles.
With that said, it takes a strong man to lead and not domineer. There is a difference. A wife will follow a man who knows how to lead in love. A man who dominates, beats his chest and bellows “do as I say” without...unfortunately can’t simple have his oxygen supply removed.
Without “love” forgot that word
Sorry but those days are kind of at an end, not to burst your bubble, the best we can ask for is a relationship culture where people treat each other with respect and dignity and not degrade one another. The problem with dating and relationships from the man POV in my opinion ( I know men are not perfect, that’s a subject for another time) is that western society has poisoned a chunk of women into resentful women with crap attitudes who mistaken being strong/ independent for being a witch and it is showing. They get it from TV, from society, from their parents, then throw in the marriage system and the courts, that’s a mess on top of the crap in the US especially, relationships have gone to crap in the US which is why I’m glad I live in my part of Europe and women are different here.
For those interested in researching further, or maybe in an abusive relationship who want healing from the NP/BP cycle, I cannot recommend this book enough. It is the best book I’ve read on the subject. It was recommended to me and changed my life and relationships.
Please read the reviews..
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321
MUST READ WARNINGS:
DO NOT let your abusive partner know you’re reading it. Don’t let them see it. Keep it at work. Hide it. If they see it they WILL RAGE UNCONTROLLABLY, because they will know you’re on to them.
DO NOT let them know what you learn. NEVER EVER tell them they are a NP/BP. They already know, deep inside about their games and schemes. If you out them it WILL get ugly. As you learn, they WILL pick up that something is changing in you. They may be apathetic by nature, but are very intuitive to seeing their power slip away. You’ll see what I’m saying as you learn, adapt and get stronger with your boundaries.
There is a saying; “never educate your enemy”
In this context, if you educate them their tactics will become more abusive, yet more subtle and cunning.
Be careful to heed these warnings, or emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse in some cases
FINAL WARNING: if you’re in an abusive relationship, ABOVE ALL, take care of your personal safety.
NP/BP can be manifest in different levels of intensity, but these behaviors are VERY similar to sociopath behaviors and this level is where emotional abuse can turn to life threatening physical abuse.
Once they see you creating boundaries for yourself and they start losing control, the relationship WILL encounter high friction. Be prepared for this certain outcome.
BE CAREFUL
BE SAFE
BE SMART
A NP/BP has, through many years of practice, carefully cultivated manipulation of ALL the people in their lives and some of those people are more afraid of the NP/BP, than they care for you. You just haven’t seen it yet. Be careful who you confide in when discussing what you learn. You don’t want someone to tell the abuser that you’re on to them.
There are discrete support groups you can reach out to and do so if you sense danger when you start to create your own boundaries.
There is a summary of the book available online. It’s about two printed pages. Not to be used instead of reading the book, rather as a “keep you focused” after learning what you need to know and understand.
Lastly...
Boundaries are FOR YOU, not the NP/BP. They don’t have those and you can’t force them upon them. Boundaries are what you determine is healthy for you...how you will and will not be spoken to...where you will or will not go...what you will or will not do...how you will or will not be treated.
One more important communication note about these people...
When establishing boundaries, NEVER, EVER begin with the word “YOU”. To the NP/BP this is perceived as an attack, to which they will probably rage. Always begin with “I”...I don’t want this, or that...I can’t hear what you’re saying when speaking loudly/we argue...I need some quiet time.
Yes I did...
But, it came with a price tag attached...
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