Posted on 12/24/2020 6:45:14 AM PST by Colonial35
An American and Russian diplomat are at a formal dinner in the American embassy and are sitting next to each other with their wives when the American says to the Russian: It looks like it’s snowing outside. The Russian answers and says: No, it’s raining. They argue back and forth until the American wife turns to him and says: Hey honey, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.
The teacher asks her students to use the word urinate in a sentence.
None of them raise a hand except little Johnny. The teacher sighs, knowing
she shouldn’t ask him and says, Yes Johnny? Can you use the word urinate in a sentence?
Sure, says Johnny.
Urinate. But if you had bigger boobs you’d be a ten!
If you can’t afford a doctor and feel you need a check up, go to the airport.
you will get a free x-ray and breast exam and if you mention al queda you
will also get a free colonoscopy.
Adultery is a sin; you cannot have your Kate and Edith too.
I had a really bad day. First, my ex got ran over by a bus - then I got fired
from my job as a bus driver.
Wife: Look at that drunk guy. Husband: Who is he? Wife: 10 years ago he proposed
to me and I rejected him. Husband: Oh my God. He’s still celebrating.
A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.
Doctors have just identified a food that causes suffering years after ingesting.
It’s called Wedding Cake.
IRISH AIRLINES.
After being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus
flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful
announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a
terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but
they did not deliver our meals until one minute prior to take-off. We have 103
passengers on board, and, unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly
apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
When passengers muttering had died down, she continued, Anyone who is kind enough
to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited
drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later.
If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through
blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let
your rose buds show! and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there
with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends
coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
[I yelled at her, Crazy Bitch!
The radio replied, HILLARY, MAXINE, or PELOSI?
I love this truck.]
That is funny!
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was
wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to
the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack
to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt
a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver,
she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by
the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and
turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, How dare you touch my body!
I don’t even know who you are!
The Texan smiled and drawled, Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.
A child was sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
An older man nearby said “Eating chocolate is bad for you.”
The boy said “My great Grand Father lived to 105.”
“Did he eat a lot of Chocolate?”
“No, but he minded his own business.”
Two little old ladies, Gladys & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside
the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Gladys,
leaned over and said, Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For $10.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid,
boring flower show!
You’re on! said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Gladys slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower
from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked,
streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Glayds came
through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
What happened? asked Evelyn.
I won $1,000 as 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement!
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his
way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, The insemination man
is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4
just above the cow’s stall in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK? The rancher leaves
for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
I came to inseminate the cow, he said.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees
the nail, she tells him, This is the one right here.
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, Tell me, lady,
cause I’m dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?
That’s simple By the nail that’s over its stall, she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, And what, pray tell, is the nail for?
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, I guess it’s to
hang your pants on, she replied.
Thank you for the almost Friday silliness thread. Does this mean that there will be no Friday silliness thread on Friday? I don’t know if I can make it through a Friday without it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS & thank you for the humor.
Here is a link for Tomorrow.
From Silliness Past.
https://freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/3507568/posts
That IS funny.
A drunk staggers into a bar, and says, “You won’t believe what happened to me last night. I was down by the railroad tracks and saw a naked woman tied to the tracks. So, I untied her, and took her back to my room, and we made love all night!”
Bar tender asked, “Was she a good kisser?”
“I don’t know. I couldn’t find her head.”
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Guy takes two rabbits to a taxidermist. The taxidermist said, “Do you want them mounted.”
“No, just holding hands.”
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Lost my job at the bird store. I got chirpeez . . . it’s a canarial disease . . . there’s no tweetment.
Moan.
Love that comic! Always good!
I walked into the barbershop and sat in the chair. The barber asked “What can I do for you?” I said “I’m getting old. My skin is wrinkled. The skin on my cheeks is sunken. I can’t get a good shave. Can you help?”
The barber said “Sure. Put this ball in your mouth and press it against your cheek.”
Sure enough, it stretched my skin and I got a good shave.
I asked “What happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?”
The barber said “No problem. Just do like everyone else and bring it back tomorrow.”
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