Posted on 12/24/2020 6:45:14 AM PST by Colonial35
An American and Russian diplomat are at a formal dinner in the American embassy and are sitting next to each other with their wives when the American says to the Russian: It looks like it’s snowing outside. The Russian answers and says: No, it’s raining. They argue back and forth until the American wife turns to him and says: Hey honey, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.
One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it’s
his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?
The salesperson answers, Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.
The amazed father asks: It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
others only $19.95?
Annoyed, the salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
Sir...divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat,
Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends,
and a key chain made from Ken’s balls.
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
A girl said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club, but I’d never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I attended a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her . . . pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
A man died and left a will that designated $30,000 to cover an elaborate funeral.
After the funeral a family friend asked the man’s widow how much of the money she
used for the funeral. All of it, she replied. The funeral was $6,500, I donated
$500 to the church, the food and refreshments were another $500, and the rest went
toward the memorial stone. After a quick calculation, the friend said,
You spent $22,500 on a memorial stone? How big is it?
Two and a half carats, the widow replied.
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6’ 2” strong as a
longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the
air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only
dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into
his office for the young man’s last interview. The Chief Deputy said, You’re a
big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good,
but we have, what you might call, an Attitude Suitability Test that you must
take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said,
Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers,
six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit.
Why the rabbit? queried the applicant.
You passed, said the Chief Deputy. When can you start?
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue,
and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says,
I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband
dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent
job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
There’s no charge, she says.
No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit! she says.
Honestly, it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive
blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
So I just switched the heads.
A husband and wife are shopping at a busy mall shortly before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and, as they had a lot to do, called him on his cell.
She said “Where are you? You know we have a lot of things to do today.”
He said “You remember the jewelry shop we went into about ten years ago, the one where you fell in love with that diamond necklace? We couldn’t afford then and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
She was overwhelmed, tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop” she managed to reply.
. . .“Well, I’m in the golf shop next door
An old couple was driving up I35 north of Dallas when they were
pulled over by DPS.
The officer asked the driver if he knew how fast he was going and
the old guy replied, 70.
The old wife said, What,d he say? The old man told her.
The officer said, The limit here is 45.
The wife asked, What’d he say? The old man told her.
The trooper looked at the old man’s license and started chuckling.
The old man asked what was funny.
The trooper replied, You’re from Oklahoma. I had a girl friend from Ardmore.
Worst nookie I ever got.
The old lady ask, What,d he say? The husband replied, He thinks he knows you.
Maybe she was bustin’ his bawls knowing there was no chance Bob could deliver 8” in any scenario? :-)
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s
most successful lawyer. So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in
his lavish office. The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying,
Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your
community through the United Way?
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, First, did your research also show you that
my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills
that are far beyond her ability to pay?
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, Uh...no, I didn’t know that.
Secondly, says the lawyer, did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an
array of private tutors?
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.
And the lawyer says, So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think
I’d give any to you.
Many thanks for an excellent thread. Merry Christmas and a belated Happy Hanukkah to all. And for the pagan unbelievers, Happy Festivus.
A guy from The Mountains passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow,
but she can’t touch it till she’s 14.
How do you know when you’re staying in a MISSISSIPPI hotel?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, Go ahead.
How can you tell if a GEORGIA redneck is married?
There’s dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in ALABAMA to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high school.
What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in GEORGIA ?
Documentaries!
How many southerner hillbilly jokes are there?
Just one.
All the rest are true.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
MISSISSIPPI.
If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
An ALABAMA State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-65 and says to the driver,
Got any I.D.? and the driver replies Bout wut?
Did you hear about the $3 million GEORGIA State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor’s mansion in ALABAMA burned down!
Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too.
Both books-poofed up in flames and he hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.
A new law was recently passed in MISSISSIPPI.
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
A guy walks into a bar in GEORGIA and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at
the man and says, You ain’t from round here are ya boy?
No replies the man, I’m from California.
The bartender looks at him and says, Well, what do ya do in California?
I’m a taxidermist, said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
The man says, I mount animals.
The bartender hollers to the whole bar. It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained
that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Helloooo, just because I’m a Senior Citizen doesn’t mean that I am automatically
mentally challenged. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy
told me last year that these windows would pay for themselves in a year
It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him. There was only silence at
the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Marking. And thanks! Merry Christmas!
I first heard that joke sixty years ago.
During an Army war exercise-game, an officer’s Jeep got stuck in the mud.
The officer saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help
him get unstuck. Sorry sir, said one of the loafers, but we’ve been classified
dead and the umpire said we couldn’t contribute in any way.
The officer turned to his driver with an mean smile and said, Go drag a couple of
those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.
I bought a new Dodge 3500 Ram Tri-Flex Fuel Truck It’ll run on hydrogen,
gasoline, or E85. Had to go back to the dealer because I couldn’t get
the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was
voice-activated. Nelson, the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?
Willie! he continued, and On The Road Again came from the speakers.
Then he said, Ray Charles!, and in an instant Georgia On My Mind replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, Beethoven,
I’d get beautiful classical music.
Well, yesterday, a woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck,
but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her.
I yelled at her, Crazy Bitch!
The radio replied, HILLARY, MAXINE, or PELOSI?
I love this truck.
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