Posted on 12/23/2016 4:54:49 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Two
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Top Ten!
God bless us every one!
TOP 10!!!
Merry Christmas, Lucky!
Top ten. Merry Christmas all. Merry Christmas to me too....waiting on a prostate exam!
Many, many years ago, there was a proctology practice in Chicago that advertised a 'state-of-the-art digital prostate exam.'
I thought, 'how cool and high-tech is that!' - until I got one. It was digital, all right (if you catch my drift...)
Why do Dasher and Dancer make Santa’s coffee?
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Because they’re his star bucks!
Happy Almost Christmas, everybody!!!
Merry Christmas, Lucky9teen. Thank you for another year of this fine thread!
BIG h/t to Leo
After the marriage the son thanked her for coming all the way. "It meant so much to me," he said.
The mother gave a classic reply: "I wouldn't have missed it. After all it's not every day a mother watches her son get his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the afternoon."
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean dishes.
John went to visit his 90-year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
h/t Vicki
1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 15 pounds by New Year’s 2017. Good news only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 60. I learn something new every day and forget five others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. Daylight Savings Time ended on November 6, 2016. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN...!
A large earthquake with a magnatude of 8.1 hit theMiddle East.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria were totally ruined and the governments asked for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world was in shock.
Great Britain sent troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia sent oil and monetary assistance.
Latin American countries sent clothing.
New Zealand and Australia sent sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries sent labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada sent medical teams and supplies.
The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, sent two million replacement Muslims.
God Bless President Trump!
he similarities between Santa and System Admins
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”
5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
Lost X Files Christmas episode
Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here.
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
Scully: You really think someone’s been here?
Mulder: Someone or some thing.
Scully: Mulder, over here—it’s fruitcake.
Mulder: Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully: It’s O.K. There’s a note attached: “Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.”
Mulder: It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.
Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully: But that’s legend, Mulder—a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don’t believe it?
Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive — and in a hurry.
Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.
Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.
Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.
Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.
Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.
Scully: Impossible.
Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.
Scully: I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they’ll close the X-files.
Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.
Scully: But we have no proof.
Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
Scully: But that was a meteor shower.
Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake. They’ll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.
Scully: Mulder, I — Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.
Mulder: The truth is up there. Let’s see what’s the matter...
BRAVO!!! That was great.
Late Again!
Top ten. Merry Christmas all. Merry Christmas to me too....waiting on a prostate exam!
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Ouch. Hope you will ENDure it.
Tell the doc you want him to use two fingers. When he says “Why”? You tell him you want a second opinion.
I went for an exam 3 months ago. When it was complete, the fellow walks out and my the doctor walks in and says those 6 words you never want to hear... “Who the hell was that guy?
On the way to a Navy physical many years ago, my Admin Officer said “Now remember, during the exam you will feel a pressure. If the doctor has one hand on your back, you’re OK. If the doctor has two hands on your back, you’re in trouble.”
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