Posted on 12/12/2020 4:16:51 AM PST by sodpoodle
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE...
WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me .
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story)
Don't mess with old people
GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak
to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember,
if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
This is so true.
I love to hear them say:
"You don't look that old."
------------------------------ ---
The older we get
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we
were waiting in line in the first place.)
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra. ------------------------------ -
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young. ???
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is (sometimes) comfortable.
*********
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a
coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is
wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And this final one.)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!" **********
Now, if you feel that none of this applies to you . . ..
stick around awhile . . .
it soon will
Getting old is just a state of mind...and hips, knees, back, feet, shoulders, heart liver etc.😎
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” ~ George Burns
BUMP
Getting old is just a state of mind...and hips, knees, back, feet, shoulders, heart liver etc.😎
That is the truth. Mix in some diseases old people aren’t supposed to get, then it really gets interesting.
It takes guts to get old.
The golden years are just gold spray paint over rust.
“I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good - once - as I ever was.”
- Toby Keith
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak
to his son.
“Yes, Dad , what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember,
if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife....”
Doc tells old guy to eat rye bread to help his erection. He goes to the store and buys three loaves. Holding one, cashier says “It’ll get hard before you eat them all.” So he grabs another three loaves.
No worries, with the Gates vaccine old age will be a thing of the past—for most of us.
Old couple gets a hotel room on their 50th anniversary. They both get into something comfortable and are sitting on the bed, looking into each other’s eyes.
She asked “What were you thinking 50 years ago tonight?”
He replied “I want to screw your brains out!”
She then coyly asked “And what are you thinking tonight?”
He replied “I think I did.”
Oly and Lena were watching the TV Preacher. He said if anyone was sick he would heal them. Just put one hand on the TV and the other on the sick body part.
So Oly jumps up and puts one hand on the TV and the other down his pants.
Lena exclaims “He said he could heal the sick! Not raise the dead!!”
***********************************
The three gals were talking about getting old.
“I hate that I can’t remember things. I go downstairs to get something and halfway there I forget what I went down for!”
“Oh I know! Or get to the end of the block in the car and think - which way do I turn? Where was I heading too?”
The third gal shakes her head at them. “Boy, I’m glad I don’t have those problems!” as she knocks on the wooden table for good luck.
“Oh! Excuse me - someone’s at the door!”
My take on his admonition is Think 90
At my age I spend a lot of time wondering about the hereafter. I go into a room and then say, “I wonder what I came in here after.”
bookmark
I go into a room and then say, “I wonder what I came in here after.”
= = =
I figured this out.
Our older brains are so sharp and active that they think up lots of new stuff when stimulated by the contents of the different room.
I don’t fear death I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I’d done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed “Thank you.”, obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don’t honk your horn at old people.
saving some good ones
Hi.
You know that nobody remembers when they were born, and I’ll wager that nobody remembers when they died.
Getting old.
I go to more funerals than weddings.
I think I’ll quit going to funerals, and be late for my own.
Good night.
5.56mm
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