Posted on 10/02/2020 8:14:14 AM PDT by Colonial35
The police department in the Texas Hill Country town of Kerrville reported finding a man's body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Guadalupe River near the Texas State Highway Loop 98 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in nearby Fredericksburg. When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzel-dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt. The police removed the Biden T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. So, see there, police do care.
I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore.
The sign outside led me to wonder... just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore?
So I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help me.
I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked,
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding
Muslims and illegal aliens?”
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
Two engineers???
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
Were supposed to find the height of this flagpole, said one, but we
dont have a ladder.
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid
the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her
pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, Twenty one feet, six
inches, and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, A lot of good that does us. We ask
for the height and she gives us the length!
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently
serving in the United States Congress.
A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband
was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, “Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went
into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that
we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I remember that jewelry store.”
He said, “Well, I’m in the bar right next to it.”
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves.
The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, Momma, why is my name Rose?
The mommy cow replies, Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head
when you were born. The next calf comes up and asks,
Momma, why is my name Lily? The mother replies,
Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.
The third baby comes up and asks, Momma, why is my name Daisy?
The momma cow again replies
Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head.
The final baby walks over and says, HuhRuh BuhDuh! The momma cow says,
Thats enough, Cinderblock!
ROBOT FOR SALE:
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, I did some homework.
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, Ok, Ok, I was at a friends house watching movies.
Dad asks, What movie did you watch?
Son says, Toy Story.
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn.
Dad says, What? At your age I didnt even know what p*rn was.
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, Well, he certainly is your son.
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,
the Preacher says. Sven gets in line, and when its his turn, the preacher asks:
Sven, what do you want me to pray about for you.
Sven replies: Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.
The preacher puts one finger in Svens ear, and he places the other hand on top of
Svens head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Sven.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,Sven,
how is your hearing now?
Sven says, I dont know, Reverend, it aint til next Wednesday!
Fitting description of a RAT.
LOL.......good one.
Bad news about Grandpa
An elderly man had a masssive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency room.
After a while, the ER doctor appeared with a long face.
Im afraid Gramdpa is brain dead, but his heart is still beating.
Oh dear God, his wife cried.
Weve never had a liberal in the family before.
Two Irish men, Kearney and O’Riordan were looking at a Mail order catalogue and
admiring the models. Kearney remarks to O’Riordan, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls
in this catalogue?’ O’Riordan replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price.’
Kearney says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
At this price, I’m buying one.’
O’Riordan, smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea.
Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.’
Three weeks later, Kearney, the youngest of the two asks his friend, O’Rordan,
‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalogue?’
O’Riordan replies with a glint in his eye, ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.
She sent all her clothes yesterday.’
Monica is taking a walk along the beach when she sees a bottle half buried in the sand.
She picks it up and wipes some of the sand off to see what it is and a genie pops out.
The genie says, While I appreciate you freeing me from the bottle,
Im not completely cut off from the outside world in there.
I know who you are and what you did, and you should be ashamed.
But since you did free me from the bottle, I will grant you one wish.
Choose carefully.
Monica thinks for a few minutes and says,
You know, it would be nice if I could get rid of these love handles.
The genie raises his hands and says, As you wish, so shall it be done,
and her ears fall off.
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed
by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the
time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the
music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio,
stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, What are you doing? The cabbie answered,
In the time of the prophet there were no taxis,
so piss off and wait for a camel!
LOL!
I have known a few of those engineers. They are called Aggies.
We once fished a dead guy out of a slow flowing river. The police had responded to a report of a body face down in the water, but they could not find him. My 3rd man who was part blood hound hacked a trail through the brush and black berries and we pulled his rotting carcus out of the water 10 minutes after we arrived.
Three months before he and his friends were floating down the river on innetubes with a case of beer. The tube with the beer got away from him, so in a frantic attempt to catch up with it... he left his tube and went swimming after it. The problem was, despite being a fat guy with plenty of built in flotation, he was not a good swimmer and went under almost immediately. He was not seen again until we found him 3 months later caught on a snag when the water started to go down.
This situation reminded me of it because he was wearing an Obama T-shirt. The creatures that live in the river had been munching on his rotting bloated body and face so he looked like something from a cheap horror film. We could not tell what he originally looked like, it was kind of a shock to see a picture of what he looked like originally in the newspaper.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot...There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!” .
In other news, Don Lemon has been reported missing in the vicinity of Kerrville, Texas...
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