I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore.
The sign outside led me to wonder... just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore?
So I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help me.
I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked,
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding
Muslims and illegal aliens?”
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband
was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, “Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went
into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that
we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I remember that jewelry store.”
He said, “Well, I’m in the bar right next to it.”
ROBOT FOR SALE:
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, “I did some homework.”
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok, I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, “Toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what p*rn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
“Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,”
the Preacher says. Sven gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks:
“Sven, what do you want me to pray about for you.”
Sven replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.”
The preacher puts one finger in Sven’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of
Sven’s head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Sven.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,”Sven,
how is your hearing now?”
Sven says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t til next Wednesday!”
Fitting description of a RAT.
Monica is taking a walk along the beach when she sees a bottle half buried in the sand.
She picks it up and wipes some of the sand off to see what it is and a genie pops out.
The genie says, “While I appreciate you freeing me from the bottle,
I’m not completely cut off from the outside world in there.
I know who you are and what you did, and you should be ashamed.
But since you did free me from the bottle, I will grant you one wish.
Choose carefully.”
Monica thinks for a few minutes and says,
“You know, it would be nice if I could get rid of these love handles.”
The genie raises his hands and says, “As you wish, so shall it be done,”
and her ears fall off.
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed
by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the
time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the
music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio,
stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing? “The cabbie answered,
“In the time of the prophet there were no taxis,
so piss off and wait for a camel!”
LOL!
We once fished a dead guy out of a slow flowing river. The police had responded to a report of a body face down in the water, but they could not find him. My 3rd man who was part blood hound hacked a trail through the brush and black berries and we pulled his rotting carcus out of the water 10 minutes after we arrived.
Three months before he and his friends were floating down the river on innetubes with a case of beer. The tube with the beer got away from him, so in a frantic attempt to catch up with it... he left his tube and went swimming after it. The problem was, despite being a fat guy with plenty of built in flotation, he was not a good swimmer and went under almost immediately. He was not seen again until we found him 3 months later caught on a snag when the water started to go down.
This situation reminded me of it because he was wearing an Obama T-shirt. The creatures that live in the river had been munching on his rotting bloated body and face so he looked like something from a cheap horror film. We could not tell what he originally looked like, it was kind of a shock to see a picture of what he looked like originally in the newspaper.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot...There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!” .
In other news, Don Lemon has been reported missing in the vicinity of Kerrville, Texas...
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that
most people die of natural causes
Today, the World Health Organization (W.H.O.) advised that Covid-19
could not be transmitted from dogs to human.
They further advised dogs no longer need to be quarantined.
In other words, WHO let the dogs out
If you get an Email with “Knock, Knock” in the subject line, don’t open it.
It’s just a Jehovah’s Witness missionary working from home.
TV news reporter:”The CDC says to refrain from handshakes”
Jeffery Dahmer: (stops his blender) “Dang!!!”
By the way, who killed Jeff Epstein and what will be done about it?
I think it’s Jeff Epstien’s Steel Company
Making the Wall Jeff’s Last Erection.
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
“Honey,” she said as she pointed the guy out, “that guy at the bar has been
drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband say, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over
the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,
“I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red,
and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that
the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they
went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred!
Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said,
“Oh S**t! Am I driving?”
I called an old buddy and asked what was he doing.
He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
plastics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment”.
I was impressed.
On further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water...
under his wife’s supervision.
Little Johnny’s mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of
the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked four-year-old
Johnny to answer the phone.
Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone.
“Mommy, it’s the minister,” he said to his mother.
From the kitchen, Johnny’s mom said, “Tell him I’ll call him back.”
Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying,
“Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She’s hitting the bottle.”
What did Robinson Crusoe say when he saw footprints in the sand?
“ Thank God, it’s Friday!”
Q: What did Jesus say to the disciples at the Last Supper?
A: “Everyone who wants in the picture get on this side of the table.”