Posted on 08/23/2019 3:17:11 AM PDT by sodpoodle
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
It would be funnier if Dave wrote about the prep.
Haha
I get to have mine every 3. Sure beats dying of colon cancer!
Wondered how they got the camera past Katie Couric’s head
“another liter of MoviPrep”
I’ve had MoviPrep. I’ve also had something called GoLYTELY. Drug company executive must have great fun sitting around in conference rooms deciding what to call this stuff.
Prep was very easy with Gatorade mixture. I had to quip to my surgeon, “...so, do you meet a lot of @$$hole$ in this business??!!” The next memory was waking up and all done. 3 years until the next one. All very extremely easy to do.
It is very funny. And accurate.
Prep was worst part. Put to sleep for rest. One moment I am on my side and next moment I am waking up. “See you in 5 years. Everything is normal.”
If you need one get one.
Uncle died from colon cancer and it was miserable.
Absolutely! I watched my beloved mother die at 64 from colon cancer. Whenever someone tells me that they don't want to do it because they don't want to go through the prep, I ask them if they'd prefer to endure a miserable, heartwrenching death from colon cancer.
A colonoscopy with an ostomy is yet another adventure of its own. For the uninitiated, that means they go in through the front of your gut, since you have no rectum to access.
Maybe, but EVERYTIME I’ve had a “C” I’ve had polyps - they tell me pre-cancerous....and I’ve had the C with different docs every time. I have to have a C every 5 years. I’m trying taking massive doses of Vitamin C now, to see if my next one results in NO polyps.
dave barry is great reading. my fave was the Oregon exploding whale
Of course you go in beforehand to hear the lecture, how to prepare, what's going to happen, etc. The doctor, a no-nonsense kind of fellow, told me to have a ride available for up to three hours, as some people just don't come to right away.
Day of the event I happened to notice that it was 9 or a little after as they brought me in, right on time. I heard the countdown 7,6--next thing I knew they were wheeling me into an enclosed little recovery area.
The doc gave me the good news, blah blah blah, my ride was waiting for me, do this, don't to that. "Is there anything else you want to ask?
Maybe I was a little woozy but I swore I had noticed by the same clock that I had been in there barely 20 minutes.
"How long was it?" I asked.
His expression changed, his lip curled a little, as if to say, "Oh, so you're one of those, are you?
"I told you before, five-and-a-half feet!
I’ll have to remember some of these when I have my next colonoscopy. During my last colonoscopy which was right before Christmas, my doctor asked if I had the procedure before. When I replied that I had undergone a colonoscopy, a sigmoidoscopy and two barium enemas, he sang...and a partridge in a pear tree. We were all laughing.
A very good friend of mine died of colo-rectal cancer because he was, for whatever the reason, dead set against having a colonoscopy. He was in his early fifties.
I have to get them every 3 years because I always have polyps. Next one is 2020. Gotta do what you gotta do and I’m 76. sigh!
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