Posted on 08/23/2019 3:17:11 AM PDT by sodpoodle
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Dave Barry is a funny SOB
Your tag line is funny;)
I had my first colonoscopy at 50. The colonoscopy was nothing, really. The bad part was drinking 5 gallons of some awful tasting liquid that goes through you like crap through a goose. I turned 60 this year and dreaded my second.
Imagine my ‘disappointment’ when at my annual physical my doctor told me “oh, we’ll just have you perform a ColoGuard test.”
Crapping into an ice bucket is much better than the colon prep ‘binge and purge’ routine.
Yours too.
I think Drs just like to **** with your bank account.
I was going to post the whole article, which described that liquid drink, but there were issues with the Miami Herald link.
I can’t stop laughing!
Oldy, but goody. Been there, done that, and was telling the doctor off afterwards due to the drugs. So embarrassing.
Good Lord! I am reading this (5:42 AM 23 AUG 2019) while waiting to go for my own colonoscopy, scheduled sometime after 8 AM. This is my second go-round, having had my first in Colorado sometime in 2008. All I remember about that one was waking up BEFORE IT WAS OVER. The 17 thousand foot long tube Barry talks about was STILL INSERTED! It didn’t hurt, but I think I woke up early because I was having a bad dream about PRISON RAPE!
I had colon cancer and was totally blocked back in 2010. Imagine drinking the 5 gallons of prep and passed none of it.
If you would have said that I was full of “it” you would be correct. Emergency surgery followed.
Regular anesthesia has an unusual effect upon me. It is like drinking 20 cups of coffee. It stimulates me. Twice I have woken up on the operating table with my arms strapped to boards and all the tubes still in. Freaked out the teams.
As soon as surgery is over, I switch to IV Tylenol as I can’t take the epidural pain pumps.
Subsequently I woke up in the middle of a colonoscopy. I watched much of the process and talked with the Dr. During the procedure. I could see he was uncomfortable.
Dave Barry’s writing is so much fun to read. I remember reading this, still such wonderful humor.
Ha. Thought this sounded familiar. I posted it originally in 2008. Here’s the longer version....
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1975542/posts
The preparation is way worse than the procedure. The doctor told me that I would see him again in 7 years. Ain’t gonna happen.
WOW! The comments on your thread went on for ONE MONTH !!!!!!
Yo-Yo wrote: “Imagine my ‘disappointment’ when at my annual physical my doctor told me “oh, we’ll just have you perform a ColoGuard test.”
I’m 72 so I’ve had several. When I asked my doctor about ColoGuard, his first response was “I don’t make as much”. Still, he prescribed the Cologuard.
Guess it was a popular subject
Remember Katie Couric’s on the air colonoscopy?
You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
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this is the money quote...
As a lucky cancer survivor, I've come to believe that more screenings (for any kind of cancer) are better. A little discomfort beats the heck out of dying, or surviving without some of your original parts.
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