"How long have you been a male nurse?"
Posted on 11/06/2006 7:57:25 PM PST by 60Gunner
When I decided to become a nurse, I made up my mind from the beginning that I wanted to work in the Emergency Room. I have never worked anywhere else as a nurse. Besides being a constant source of challenge and education, being an ER nurse has other benefits. Here are just a few:
1. The look on a belligerent drunk's face when you explain to him or her EXACTLY where that big ol' tube is going.
2. Wearing your pajamas to work.
3. The sense of awe that you get when looking at some of the things you find in an abdomino-pelvic X-ray on a Saturday night.
4. Getting paid to say, "Relax. This'll only hurt for a few seconds."
5. Learning how to compare the appearance of potable fluids with bodily fluids.
6. Learning how to keep a straight face when you hear a patient say "I swear to God- I have NO IDEA how that got there."
7. Learning how to suppress the urge to laugh uncontrollably until after your leave your patient's room.
8. Meeting girls. Or boys. Or something that isn't quite either of those but makes for interesting breakroom conversation.
9. Grossing your annoying in-laws out when you tell them EXACTLY what their London Broil looks like.
10. Learning how to use bedpans for skis in the parking lot on a snowy day.
11. Learning to identify ANYTHING that could possibly be used as an emesis basin in less than one second.
12. Job security through December 2394 with overtime and shift differentials.
13. An endless supply of subject matter to introduce whenever the dinner table conversation becomes boring.
14. Playing with sharp objects.
15. Running with scissors.
16. Using leather straps without having to wear a black latex outfit.
17. Learning how to make a scared kid smile.
18. Learning how to make a smiling punk scared.
19. The look of awe on a pretty woman's face when you tell her, "Yeah, it's just like the TV show."
20. Developing an appreciation for the intricacies of the human body as you help the MD crack a gangbanger's chest to play "Find the bullet."
21. Humming "I've Got You Under My Skin" while scrubbing the real estate out of a drunk car surfer's road rash.
22. Having an alibi for your insanity ("Oh, he's an ER nurse." "Ahhh... That makes sense.").
23. Learning how to think faster than you ever imagined you could when your patient's cardiac rhythm suddenly changes from stable to lethal.
24. Seeing and appreciating the intricate ballet of the code team when an outside observer sees only chaos and blood.
25. Learning how to give an intramuscular injection so smoothly that when you finish, your patient says, "Ooh, you're good!"
26. Learning how to start an IV upside down while bending over.
27. Learning how to sense a change in your patient's condition before the monitors and taking action before she goes into ventricular tachycardia.
27. Getting a license plate frame that says: "ER NURSE- PASS ME NOW, SEE ME LATER."
ER Nurse Stories Ping. I had this essay sitting around and thought y'all might be interested.
(email me if you want to be un-pinged.)
Because the thought of you in black latex is too much for us to bear.
I got to send out the heavy lighting truck the other night to the scene of a pedestrian vs freight train. The IC on the scene said they had to be sure they "found all of it".
The pay sucks....the hours suck...but the stories!
L
"How long have you been a male nurse?"
I know you'll enjoy this one too. Next lesson, i'll teach you how to get on a ping list.
Prizes if you do well. :D
You have been pinged.
Eugh. We never see those. The MDs usually call'em on the scene.
Apparently the train tossed this guy just shy of a hundred feet. Well, most of him anyway.
L
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal.
Your idea of a good time is a code at change of shift.
You believe in aerosol spraying of Prozac.
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.
You believe that chocolate is a food group.
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if someone should say "Boy, it sure is quiet around here!"
You admire a stranger's veins.
You have referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit."
You don't think a consult with Dr. Kavorkian is inappropriate.
You have had to leave a patient's room before breaking into uncontrollable laughter.
When ordering labs, you have wanted to order a "feces on the brain" profile.
You are astounded when somebody in the lab speaks English.
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA.
You can calculate the "tooth to tattoo ratio" without a calculator.
You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
You have used your status to get out of a speeding ticket.
You've called in sick on a full moon.
You've got voodoo dolls labeled with doctor's names..and lots of needles stuck therein.
You believe that every waiting room should come with a valium salt lick
You have restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.
You barely consider the raise your employer offers you, before moving on to another job.
You aren't sure who your boss is.
You know how to say bedpan in five languages.
You keep oxygen equipment in your locker, just in case there's a code on the same day as cost containment is implemented by your employer.
You recognize that unionization is professional.
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!
You may be a nurse if..... You believe that every patient needs TLC... Temazepam, Lorazepam and Chlorpromazine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light system some night in a dark alley.
You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
Your kids get their presents in TED stockings and hospital pillowcases. And their presents are wrapped with Micropore tape.
You know the phone number of every late night food delivery place by heart.
Almost everything can seem funny ... eventually.
When asked by the doctor what color that patient's diarrhoea was, you show them your shoes.
You can identify different causes of diarrhoea by the smell of it.
Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the keys, scissors and clamps in your pocket.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.
You use bladder lavage bags to drip water onto your plants when you're on holiday.
You refuse to watch ER because its too much like the real thing and it triggers flashbacks or... Your family refuse to let you watch ER because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down X-rays.
You avoid answering the phone on your day off in case anyone from the hospital is trying to call and beg you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throws up.
You notice that you are using even more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing.
You've seriously considered catheterising your children before a long car journey.
Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you. Most of them have the names of laxatives on them.
You don't get excited about blood; unless it's your own.
You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult"
You've basted your Christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe.
You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker and to shout if they need help.
Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of a patient's orientation you aren't sure of the day yourself. Or if nightshift, the month.
You find yourself checking out other customers' veins in supermarket queues.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and are not embarrassed when you wake up
You avoid unhealthy looking people in the shopping centre for fear that they will drop dead near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
Your finger has gone into places you never thought possible.
You've seen more penises than any prostitute.
You've sworn to have "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed on your chest. Soon.
So I have. Thank you...
Heroin OD's arriving in cardio-pulmonary arrest and walking out 10 minutes after getting their Narcan....
"Sick As Hell Anemia"
Watching the medical staff slipping and falling in the blood on the floor during an open chest code....
Watching a nurse baptize a stillborn baby in the dirty utility room....
Listening to the surgical residents bargaining over who'll tell the parents of that 17 year old kid with the bullet in his head that "we did all we could".....
I did it for 20 years.It paid the bills.And I did see many examples of astounding bravery and devotion....but I'm damn glad that I'm out of there.It took a huge toll on me.
Ping...
Did I tell you about the fellow who had a champagne cork in his ...?
Champagne cork? That's nothing. A couple of years back we had a guy come in with a shampoo bottle up there. He said, "I slipped in the shower." I said, "Lucky for you that you hit that puddle of KY on the way down."
That champagne cork was ejected directly from its bottle into its final resting place.
Okay. You win.
I've always said that the stories they tell about how those things got there are the biggest laugh.
(Sexy) Nurse ping!
I once knew a male ER nurse who packed heat in one boot and had a hunting knife in the other.
Thanks for all you all do and have done
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