Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

Puff List ^ | 1/23/04 | francisandbeans

[Just another Joe]

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Welcome Friends, foes and associates to the completely remodeled Free Republic...

Smoker's Lounge

Here you will find a comfy place to smoke, drink, joke or whatever. We always have a great time, so sit back, relax and...

Smoke 'em if you got 'em shssh
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aaaaa,:`___________________________||`,:'.",`.;'`,:'.',`: <--------Life is good!
A very special thank you to Registered for providing us with this fine logo....we will bear it with pride.

[Just another Joe]

Hi, She.
That's the last three weeks worth of articles.

[Just another Joe]

A bloody mary it is.

[Just another Joe]

If I read all those articles, I won't have time for the lounge.

Just read a couple and come back for a drink.

[Just another Joe]

Here you go. Enjoy.

[SheLion]

That's the last three weeks worth of articles.

I remember you saying that you were going to be gone. Sure a lot of reading there!!! :)

Thanks for posting all of it, Joe!

[CSM]

Thanks. I was thirsty.

I read a good line on one of the other threads;

"It is so cold here I am going to call Al Gore and tell him to change the batteries in his global warming machine!"

[Just another Joe]

I saw that.

[Don W]

Good morning! I'm glad to see you were able to make it to open today, although I realize you're quite busy.

I'll have 3 Hi-Test, and a large order of your "Extra Screaming Death-Pain Super Fire Hot Wings, please.

Now, for a giggle.


Oh, to be Six Again:

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious life with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[Don W]

Here's a smile for you!

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs
one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the
sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for
dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a
day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and
stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When
he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
>
>Golf: $1.00
>
>Dinner: $1.00
>
>Room: $1.00
>
>Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
>
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about?
Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three
thousand for three golf balls?"
>
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in
our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
>
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've
gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars
a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for !"
>
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get
you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

[Don W]

This is (allegedly) an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas . . . and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a CEO style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

[Just another Joe]

Keep in mind that service will be sporadic.
I'm conducting other business as well.

These month long trips sure put you behind in your normal work.

[Don W]

I'm sure you could use a smile too:

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
(George Burns)

Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year.
(Victor Borge)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
(Mark Twain)

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
(Mark Twain)

My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects.
(Les Dawson)

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(Groucho Marx)

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
(Charlotte Whitton)

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe.
(Jimmy Durante)

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
(Jilly Cooper)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
(Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
(Alex Levine)

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
(Mark Twain)

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
(Ed Furgol)

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
(Spike Milligan)

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
(Mark Twain)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
(Joe Namath)

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
(George Burns)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
(Lucille Ball)

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
(Bob Hope)

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
(W.C. Fields)

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
(George Burns)

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
(Woody Allen)

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words . . . . . .
(Woody Allen)

If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
(Woody Allen)

If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans.
(Woody Allen)

Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I have others."
(Groucho Marx)

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
(Mark Twain)

The first half of your life is ruined by your parents. The second half by your kids.
(Loretta Young)

[Don W]

Some sniggers for you;

The latest virus' to watch out for:-


THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old
floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your
computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to
stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....
(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus....
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through
Windows)

[Don W]

An older folks joke:

An elderly couple were sitting together watching television. During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied, during the next commercial.........,"You know............., I don't know.
I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

[Don W]

As a fellow Canuck, you can appreciate this one:



Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yorkton. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says: Old Timer's Bar ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS! They look at each other, then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - and says,"That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired farmer from Regina, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're Winnipegers, they're waiting for Happy Hour."

[theDentist]

'Dank you. (spi) Mmmmmm. How 'bout them Patriots? Boy they're gonna have their hands full with Carolina. It's gonna be close.

[Don W]

For you:

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person can't.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the
top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

Hey, don't get mad at me, I fell for it too.

[CSM]

I fell for it. I felt so proud after reading each line correctly. Now I feel like the 7th line! Good one.

[Don W]

A story:



Be sure you read to the end....

The Donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would
shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest
wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW

---

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the living daylights out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[Don W]

Glad you liked it < BG >