Posted on 01/08/2006 4:15:59 AM PST by ScubieNuc
Midlife Conundrum
How does it happen? You marry your High School sweetheart, get a dependable job, do all the “right things”, and you still get a nagging feeling that something about you is dieing?
I shouldn’t feel this way. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have smart, beautiful, healthy kids. I have a wife that loves me. I am a respected member of my community, and yet I feel in a rut.
Two thoughts come to mind….First one is call the “Whaaaambulance”, suck it up, and quit whining. Problem with that is that the "dieing in a rut" feeling doesn’t go away, it gets worse.
Second thought is to tell my wife about this. Problem with that is that she has lost her self confidence and will regress into a belief that she has failed me, and shut down in a “woe is me” fit.
Obviously, there are many reasons for this growing impasse. Some of my problems are tied to the fact that I am not a romantic cuss. I hate Valentines day, I don’t get excited about mine or others birthdays, I don’t memorize anniversary details, I laugh during sappy movies, and I believe in practical gifts instead of sappy gifts.
I figured that substance over flash would win out, but I am finding out that is not always the case. While I’m trying to do more flash, it seems fake. I’m sure that there is more that I’m missing about my faults, but my main point is that I know that I have things to work on to improve our relationship.
I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex. I always have to instigate. It is beginning to feel as though I’m her slave. I put my feelings out there to get them shot down at least 60% of the time. Since she doesn’t instigate, it feels as though she doesn’t get excited by me. She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me. We have talked about this but nothing has changed. The problem now is that I am becoming less and less interested in instigating, which means less and less sex. Less sex has lowered her self esteem, which means even a lower chance of her instigating. I am beginning to see a seriously bad downward spiral.
The main reason I putting this out there is that maybe talking about it, will help me find some tools or encouragement to save my marriage. I am being drawn toward the allure of something more exciting, but I don’t want to ruin what I have or what my wife and kids have. I truly love my wife and kids, but I yearn deeply to have that newlywed excitement again and to feel desired. I don’t want to do what is wrong. Help!
Best of luck, neighbor- man/woman relationships are A Mystery From the Dawn of Time-- I don't think anyone has really figured it out!
Why I can't imagine why your wife has lost her willingness to reach out romantically. You've had 18 yrs of training her that you don't want or need or like romance.
Intimacy and sex are two different things. You wrote a lote about one but not the other. If you truly want to rekindle and not just get some, focus on intimacy. The sex might come afterwards and stick around a bit. Be selfless and do some of the things you said you avoid. Do them with an honst heart. Start with Valentine's Day. Rack your brains to remember your best VD and do the same things. Buy cut fowers every Sunday morning without a word to her so she wont feel like she owes you anything. Be attractive to her. Do your chores and don't ask for credit. If the vette isn't an option, buy a new camera, camper orboat - something to make 'outside' ore exciting again. Take day trips together. I know I'm probably projecting onto you, but as a female, my perspective might have a few small merits. Above all, avoid temptation. Pray that this is just a bad spot in a good marriage.
Obviously, there are many reasons for this growing impasse. Some of my problems are tied to the fact that I am not a romantic cuss. I hate Valentines day, I don't get excited about mine or others birthdays, I don't memorize anniversary details, I laugh during sappy movies, and I believe in practical gifts instead of sappy gifts.I figured that substance over flash would win out, but I am finding out that is not always the case. While I'm trying to do more flash, it seems fake. I’m sure that there is more that I'm missing about my faults, but my main point is that I know that I have things to work on to improve our relationship.
When you give someone a gift it's not about you and your feelings. Try getting her something that will make her happy or do something just for her. Stop focusing on yourself. You may find yourself excited about giving once you take your eyes off how you feel and concentrate on making them happy.
LOL! You crack me up! Am I the only person who finds this discussion hilarious?! I'm amazed how we have to air everything in public. Sometimes I wonder how did hour pioneer forebearers cope. You're in a cover wagon going across the Great Plains and you're having midlife crisis, stress, sexual dysfunction, etc., etc. I just wonder how we got to where we are today.
Seriously, Scubienuc has so much in life others would kill for. He does not appreciate it. Geez. For example has a loving wife and advertises that she is overweight "and can't seem to lose it" for crying out loud and then wonders what's wrong... For some reason I'm reminded of Princess Diana's whining.
All very good points. I will start doing more of the spontanious flower thing, starting tonight. However, here is my question...If I don't keep it up, doesn't it just raise the bar for the future?
Example:
I start buying flowers once a week, and attach a little letter with it. After Valentines Day or whenever, life gets busier, and the flowers/letters slow down or stop. In order to respark the romance, don't I then need to do something more or inovative? I truely don't believe I could keep that up indefinately! Maybe I could do something once a month, forever, but doesn't even that become routine, and fake?
Sincerely
I think you are exactly where 100% of the people married 20 years are at. By sharing your issues, you have helped others discover that their condition is not unique, and your willingness to open up and share the painful intimate details of your life will help others.
Unfortunately, I haven't seen any quick easy fixes posted, other than the universally prescribed fiberglass hot rod, should you take this route, stay away from the 84 model.
You think too much.
I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex. I always have to instigate. It is beginning to feel as though I’m her slave. I put my feelings out there to get them shot down at least 60% of the time. Since she doesn’t instigate, it feels as though she doesn’t get excited by me. She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me. We have talked about this but nothing has changed. The problem now is that I am becoming less and less interested in instigating, which means less and less sex. Less sex has lowered her self esteem, which means even a lower chance of her instigating. I am beginning to see a seriously bad downward spiral.
If you want to turn your sex life around, learn about cunnilingus and foreplay in general. She'll initiate sex quite frequently.
Thanks for the information from the other side.
You put a smile on my face. Thanks
You've received some sound suggestions here- and a few wisecracks for fun. I agree with the ones who said you're focusing on yourSELF. By doing so you will NEVER find the elusive happiness/contentment you search.
It sounds as though you have several expectations built in to your quest- one being that you will feel more desirable. Trust me on this- as long as you're focused on what YOU want- you're undesirable. She isn't going to be changing anytime soon into what YOU want. Love her anyway.
Instead of TRYING to please- give pleasure.
Read the prayer of St Francis. Every day.
Re-read kdot's response to you. She is right on the money. After 30+ years of marriage, I can tell you that it is a roller coaster. You have highs and lows. If you want to stayed married then you have to change things about the relationship that CAN be changed and accept those things that CAN'T be changed. If your wife hasn't initiated sex in 18 years she is not going to start now. There is nothing wrong with that. Accept it. Be intimate with her sometimes (hold her hand, rub her back)without following up with sex. It would show her that you want to touch her without getting something in return. I would also suggest that you do little things for her like pour her a cup of coffee or take the wrapper off her hamburger, etc. Women love the little things that men do much more than than the flashy things. When you start to focus on her and not yourself you will find that you will actually feel better because she will respond in a like manner to you. Good luck, my friend.
Great idea. However, I am deeply involved in my church, and I know that it would not be a secret for very long. Plus I live in a small community.
I'm hoping FR counselling will be enough. 8^)
I won't rule it out all togather though. Thanks.
Lots of great advice here....
I'll just re-inforce marriage counseling, talking to your wife and REALLY getting to know her (sounds like she's pretty much a stranger to you, even after 18 years), taking a vacation or a weekend getaway just for the two of you...but after the talking has started.
Change what you can in your life and yourself. Try a different hobby, go to a different event/concert than usual, read a book out of your usual genre. Heck, redecorate the bedroom (together!) granted, after the talking has started.
Like others have said, sounds like there are secrets, and there can't be. Good luck.
It doesn't have to be flowers. You just have to be nice to her. Take her for a nice walk and talk to her. And then listen to what she has to say.
Your high card is that she wants to please you. You have trained her to hide everything because if she doesn't you don't like it. It is going to take time for her to change.
You are going to have to think about her. In essence you are going to have to court her.
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