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What Should You Wear To Church? A Handy Guide For Each Denomination
The Babylon Bee ^ | 10/17/19 | The Babylon Bee

Posted on 10/20/2019 6:56:07 PM PDT by mkleesma

Whether you’re visiting your parents’ stuffy old Baptist church or piling into the family minivan because the kids are begging to ride the roller coaster at the sleek new megachurch down the street, the age-old question persists: what should you wear?

Wonder no longer, good and faithful servant. We sent a team of Babylon Bee agents to over two thousand churches, big and small, new and old, all across the land to research customs, dress codes, fashion do’s and fashion don’ts. This exhaustively researched article is the result, and it’s absolutely packed with helpful fashion tips.

Bookmark this page and check it any time you’re unsure what it is you ought to be wearing to church!

Baptist—When you hit the local Baptist church, dust off your best polo shirt and slacks, like Jesus wore. Women should be sure to wear long enough skirts, lest they should cause a brother to stumble by flashing too much ankle.

Calvary Chapel—God is worthy of our Sunday best, so make sure you pick out your finest sandals, shorts, and Hawaiian print shirt when you show your face at one of your city’s fifty-eight Calvary Chapel churches. The hardcore believers will be touting a copy of Left Behind or The Late Great Planet Earth tucked beneath their arm.

Presbyterian & Reformed—The key word here is classy. Sport a three-piece suit, top hat, and a monocle. Pair with glass of scotch or craft beer and a Romeo y Julieta brand cigar to really blend in.

Non-Denominational Megachurch—Whatever you woke up in. If it’s good enough to party in late Saturday night and crash on your couch in, it’s good enough for God. If you overdress by wearing a shirt that doesn’t show some skin or a low-key, modest outfit, you’ll stick out like a sore thumb!

Pentecostal—Go with something loose and flowing—anything good for waving your arms around in or flopping around like Magikarp. Secret pockets and compartments you can use to stow a tambourine or dancing ribbon are useful.

Catholic—You’d best wear your spiffiest Sunday outfit or your Grandma will pinch you, and it will hurt like the dickens. If your Grandma isn’t there, don’t worry, someone else’s Grandma will assume her pinching duties.

Methodist—Mainline Methodists should wear a tie-dye T-shirt with a left-leaning political statement like LOVE IS LOVE or PRIDE. If you’re one of the few Methodists still left in orthodoxy, a WESLEY IS MY HOMEBOY shirt oughtta do it.

Lutheran—16th-century German monastic robes are ideal. If you are having trouble locating those, you can go with a Baptist-esque business casual outfit as a fallback. But really, you’re gonna want to try to find the robes if you don’t want to look like a loser.

Episcopalian—Wear anything you want; no one will be there to see you anyway.

Eastern Orthodox—Your outfit doesn’t matter so much as the fact that you’ve got a long, flowing beard. Women are not exempt from this requirement.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Religion
KEYWORDS: babylon; bee; humor
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To: mkleesma

You should wear a kippah in synagogue though many don’t.


21 posted on 10/20/2019 7:37:03 PM PDT by Lisbon1940 (No full-term Governors (at the time of election))
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To: Nothingburger

Sounds good to me.

22 posted on 10/20/2019 7:43:13 PM PDT by Songcraft
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To: mkleesma

Many years ago, I attended a Saturday evening service at my church. Evening services on Saturday and Sunday are focused on young people, so no choir, only a ‘worship team’. One of the young people on the worship team, he looked to be no more than 20, was wearing a ‘Che’ shirt. I was appalled! I mentioned it to my (now former) wife. She, like many Canadians, had no idea who Che Guevara was. I explained how many people that Guevara had killed in cold blood and how he took such pleasure in their killing.

I also attended the Sunday evening service, to see if the young man would wear the same shirt. Obviously, someone must have pointed out to him, how evil Guevara was and that a shirt celebrating such an evil person, had no place in a church. I never saw the young man wear such a shirt again.

I would suggest that such a shirt would be celebrated in many mainstream ‘Methodist’ churches. So many seem to have forgotten the ‘Gospel’, instead focusing on the ‘social gospel’.


23 posted on 10/20/2019 7:47:00 PM PDT by A Formerly Proud Canadian (I once was blind but now I see...)
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To: BipolarBob

“But what do the satanists wear for their services?”

Hell if I know!


24 posted on 10/20/2019 7:53:01 PM PDT by Ken H (Crooked Hillary => Queen of warmongers, embodiment of corruption, personification of rot)
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To: TontoKowalski
In the early to mid 70's we teenagers wore to loudest leasure suits and platform shoes that looked like clown shoes.
25 posted on 10/20/2019 7:53:20 PM PDT by Deaf Smith (When a Texan takes his chances, chances will be taken that's fore sure)
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To: Dilbert San Diego; Impy
I don't pass judgement on how other lay people dress when they attend church.

I DO, however, have issues when the "pastor" of a "church" dresses like THIS when he's LEADING people in "worship":


And I find it bizarre that none of his supporters thought there was something sketchy about their megachurch pastor-who-dressed-like-a-biker-during-church-services until he was caught up in a huge scandal.

Would have been a huge red flag for me since day one that there was something off about this "minister"

26 posted on 10/20/2019 8:00:34 PM PDT by BillyBoy (States rights is NOT a suicide pact)
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To: mkleesma; flaglady47; Trump Girl Kit Cat; oswegodeee; chigirl
In my day, as teenagers on up, we wore dresses, hats and gloves to church (LCMS).

No one dresses like that today, of course, but what is worn now in most houses of worship is disrespectful and self-indulgent.

Leni

27 posted on 10/20/2019 8:03:23 PM PDT by MinuteGal ( MAGA ! ! !....MAGA ! ! !....MAGA ! ! !)
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To: mkleesma; Religion Moderator

Shouldn’t this be a Babylon Bee caucus thread?


28 posted on 10/20/2019 8:17:47 PM PDT by aposiopetic
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To: mkleesma

In Catholicism we are to dress to visit Jesus as He is in the Eucharist. Torn jeans, men in shorts, in flip flops anything goes. It is incorrect.


29 posted on 10/20/2019 8:23:06 PM PDT by stanne
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To: mkleesma

At my current church (a Baptist semi-megachurch in the style of Saddleback), since we’re in the Seahawks area, lots of people show up at church in Seahawks shirts, jerseys, and other Hawks attire. The pastor does too, sometimes.

I wear my Seattle Dragons shirt, out of protest.


30 posted on 10/20/2019 8:35:01 PM PDT by hoagy62 (America Supreme!)
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Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes to me always meant something clean. But that doesn’t mean you had to go out and spend five hundred bucks to outfit yourself.


31 posted on 10/20/2019 8:38:07 PM PDT by Clutch Martin (The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.)
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To: aposiopetic

Can’t caucus it when other denominations are mentioned.


32 posted on 10/20/2019 8:43:30 PM PDT by metmom ( ...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith...)
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To: Dilbert San Diego

Alot of Catholic churches have gone very lax, especially with all the illegals coming in with jeans and a dirty t-shirt. Then the youth masses are the same - shorts and a T, flip flops on your feet.

The only place I’ve seen consistent proper dress is at the Latin Mass churches. Everyone is dressed decently there, and I think a big part of it is the feeling of reverence at Mass, whereas going to the other churches just feels meh.


33 posted on 10/20/2019 9:08:47 PM PDT by Svartalfiar
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To: mkleesma

The dress for Episcopalians is now drag.


34 posted on 10/20/2019 9:19:44 PM PDT by peggybac (Government is about force. It always has been about force.)
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To: mkleesma

Tongue in cheek, but oh so true.


35 posted on 10/20/2019 9:29:13 PM PDT by fwdude (Poverty is nearly always a mindset, which canÂ’t be cured by cash.)
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To: A Formerly Proud Canadian
many mainstream ‘Methodist’ churches. So many seem to have forgotten the ‘Gospel’

Don't guess you've heard that the Methodist are splitting. The liberal "social gospel" bunch are going their own way while the conservative, Wesleyan, bible believing folks will be the Methodist Church.

Wayyy past time. I think it'll be official next May. Money and property division will have to be ironed out.

36 posted on 10/20/2019 9:48:26 PM PDT by Texan
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To: stanne

Catholics wear any thing that suits them. Shorts, T’s, flipflops, and no sense of going unto the Altar of God.

I wear slacks, shoes/sox, dress shirt & sport coat, and look like a Greek Orthodox bishop next to most others.

Young women (it’s a college chapel) show so much bosom & leg that I elevate my eyes heavenward and pray, “O Lord, I thank Thee for granting unto me, Thy humble servant, this vision of some of the beautiful things which Thou hast made!”

(I may be old but I’m not dead yet.)

Oh, and Catholics can’t sing worth a darn, either. I once attended the black Catholic mission church where I was baptized. They can’t sing, either.


37 posted on 10/20/2019 10:03:41 PM PDT by elcid1970 ("The Second Amendment is more important than Islam.")
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To: mkleesma

I wear jeans, button up shirt, bootsv(work style ) to work, church, and night on the town. It’s what I own 95%. I have dress pants, jacket and tie. It’s for funeral, weddings and job interviews. If it’s needed or requested, I expect one of those 3.

I’m not a slob but really what’s the requirements these days.


38 posted on 10/20/2019 10:11:27 PM PDT by wgmalabama (Mittens is the new Juan. Go away mittens)
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To: stanne

“In Catholicism we are to dress to visit Jesus as He is in the Eucharist”

In Christianity, Jesus is in us and we are in Him.

He is with us always.

He is not in your Eucharist. Well maybe he is, but to think you are leaving the presence of Jesus when you walk to where your eucharist is, than I suggest you read the Gospel of John. First ask the Holy Spirit to reveal Jesus to you while reading.

“Torn jeans, men in shorts, in flip flops anything goes. It is incorrect”

No more incorrect than not recognizing where Jesus is.

Look up “omnipresent”


39 posted on 10/20/2019 11:19:10 PM PDT by Syncro (Facts is Facts)
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To: Syncro

In Catholicism we are to dress up to be in the presence of the Lord at Mass. the angels descend on the altar and the last supper is visited. It’s in the book of ... well, all four Gospels.

Most Catholics do not go to mass and when they do they don’t consider what to wear. Very disrespectful


40 posted on 10/20/2019 11:25:27 PM PDT by stanne
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