Posted on 07/07/2006 2:26:47 AM PDT by sully777
Checking in...
The Inquisition, as interpreted by Mel Brooks:
Jew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / and going through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I did not even know them / and they grab me by the scrotum / And stated playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Ooh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!
Jew #2: I was sitting in a temple, I was minding my own business, I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass, Then these papist persons plunge in, And they throw me in the dungeon, And they shove a red hot poker up my ass, Is that considerate? Is that polite? And not a tube of preparation H in sight!
"It's good to be the King!"
A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a pitcher of beer, and a mop...
A sandwich walks into a bar, hops up onto the barstool, and says, "Yo, bartender, can I get a whiskey & water down here?" The bartender looks disdainfully at the sandwich and says, "We don't serve food here."
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks...
And speaking of ducks, a duck walks into a drugstore (I know, you thought I was going to say "bar", didn't you?), and asks for a tube of chapstick. The druggist says, "Will this be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Oh, just put it on my bill."
REALLY early ping!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Fish.
"Who put sand on my dentures?" asked Tom, through gritted teeth.
"Will you marry me, dear," asked Tom engagingly.
"Doc, Doc! I've got no left ventricle!" Tom said half-heartedly.
"I'm waiting for the leap year," he said lackadaisically.
"I've set the rear of the attic aflame," Tom fired back loftily
New titles out today......
"Tea and Cookies", by Duncan A Biscuit
"Great Rock Songs of the 60s", by Barnaby Wilde
"Big Cheeses of the Mafia", by Mas Capone
"Opening Other People's Doors", by Mikey Fitz-Yorlock
"High Explosives", by Diana Mite.
"Painkillers", by Penny Cilin
"Gambing in Las Vegas", by Cassie Knows
"Falls Mostly On The Plain", by Lorraine N. Spain
"Constructing A Twin Hulled Boat From Cooked Egg Whites", by Kattie Merangue
"Running With The Herd", by Stan Pede
"Going up in the World", by Ellie Vator
"Typefaces Of The World", by Gary Monde
"My House: Open To The Elements", by Rufus Missing
"Troubled Waters", by Bridgette Over
WE DON'T NEED NO STEENKIN' BADGERS!........
Jack Daniels good. Drink we will..........
THE NEW RABBIT
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing that enclosed the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the sun coming up for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is terrific," he thought to himself.
It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw the wonderful sight lots of wild cottontail rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you really wild rabbits?"
"Yes we are, come and join us," they cried.
The lab rabbit hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We pull them up and eat them."
This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."
The lettuce was equally delicious and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girl cottontails. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, the lab rabbit spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely shagged out, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was terrific," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
All of the wild cottontail rabbits all stared at him in total astonishment, disbelief and a bit surprised.
"Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do, I really do," our friend replied, "but I must get back to the laboratory. I'm just dying for a cigarette."
I think I've got every word of his memorized...Rejoice dear hearts!
http://www.laugh.com/main_pages/comicpage.asp?cid=209
"If you ain't John, I'm GONE!"
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.