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LOS ANGELES, CA — A reboot of the popular Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise will feature an all-female cast backing into rocks for two hours, says Disney. "Women walk the plank together," a tagline for the film reads, referencing how women should stand together in life — and how they always go to the bathroom together for some reason. The movie is expected to come in under budget thanks to the strategic use of Hollywood's gender pay gap combined with the fact the film only needs one set as the entire film takes place on a ship that has...

NBC's termination of its newly hired political analyst was put on hold today as, in a last-ditch attempt to save her job, Ronna McDaniel got a super lesbian haircut. "I'm pulling out all the stops," said McDaniel as she carefully tousled her hair into its maximally-butch position. "Oh yeah -- that's the look!" With the network's other prominent female personalities all sporting butch hairstyles, McDaniel desperately sought out a stylist with a last-minute opening to help her fit in with her potential colleagues. "Give me the Rachel Maddow!" McDaniel was heard shouting as she burst into a local hairdresser's shop....

TALLAHASSEE, FL — The political landscape was rocked to its core today, with reverberations sure to be felt for several years, as Governor Ron DeSantis was kicked out of the Republican Party for accomplishing too many things. The move was announced after careful deliberation by the Republican National Committee in coordination with top GOP leaders at all levels of government, with decision-makers citing DeSantis's ongoing tendency to get things done as evidence he does not belong with the party. "We don't know what his deal is," said one Republican insider. "Everyone can plainly see that one of the most fundamental...

BALTIMORE, MD — As crews continued to deal with the aftermath of the collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg praised the cargo ship Dali for helping dismantle racism in American roads. With the investigation into the cause of the disaster still in progress and the rebuilding of the bridge expected to be a long and complicated process, Buttigieg hailed the collapse as a step in the right direction to root out the deep-seated systemic racism and oppressive ideology that formed the foundation of the nation's roads and bridges. "This catastrophe is a beautiful turning point,"...

In the morning after a tragic cargo ship accident and bridge collapse in Baltimore, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg called an emergency press conference to announce he is taking three more months of maternity leave. "It has come to my attention that the twin babies I purchased at the baby store require more undivided attention," said Buttigieg. "I will be taking some much-needed time off to care for my children, and that is in no way related to the tragic bridge collapse that apparently happened somewhere. Right now, I need to be a mother to my children. Please respect my family's...

NEW YORK, NY — After news broke that the bond amount in his fraud case had been lowered from $454 million to $175 million, former President Donald Trump announced he would pay the bond in its entirety with bags of nickels. Trump notified the court that preparations had already been made for a fleet of armored trucks to arrive at the courthouse and begin unloading cases and cases of freshly minted and rolled nickels totaling $175 million. "Beautiful, shiny nickels. So many nickels," Trump said in his announcement. "It's a total sham that I have to pay anything, but...

ARLINGTON, VA — In a bid to further solidify the company's push for diversity, equity, and inclusion, Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun announced he would be resigning after evidence surfaced that he is a white male. Though airplane malfunctions and emergencies continued to make headlines, a company spokesperson stressed that its staunch commitment to DEI practices was the impetus for Calhoun's stepping down after new information revealed his white maleness. "This was a shocking revelation," the spokesperson said. "Once it came to light that Mr. Calhoun is a white male, everyone knew he could no longer continue as CEO. Boeing takes...

U.S. — A new service "SquatBNB" has launched, aimed at helping potential squatters find the home of their dreams to take over. "Far too often, squatters take over a new home without knowing the quality of amenities provided, or difficulties dealing with the host," said SquatBNB CEO Don Carmichael. "Our service will allow squatters to read reviews from other squatters who have stayed at a property and see honest feedback about what each home has to offer. We have millions of homes on our site, ready for immediate squatting -- and the best part is, it's absolutely free!" According to...

The increasing unrest around the globe has many people thinking the end of the world is imminent, which means the antichrist is getting ready to take the stage. But who will it be? It's a question that has fascinated theologians for thousands of years. Thankfully, with the proper amount of investigation, the list of potentials can be narrowed down. The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of the ten most likely candidates:

HAMPTON, NH — Popular gym franchise Planet Fitness has announced plans to add a "Bigot Alarm" at all locations nationwide to alert members whenever there is a horrible transphobic woman who doesn't want men watching her change in the women's locker room. The addition, which will function similarly to the existing "Lunk Alarm," will notify the entire gym whenever someone comes across a woman who is uncomfortable with the idea of having men walking around naked and shaving their body hair in the locker room reserved for women. "Finally, a way to alert the entire gym that there's a hateful...

California is facing a steep rise in tuberculosis cases. In 2023, the number of tuberculosis cases increased by 271, or 15%, from 2022, according to California Department of Public Health data released in February. The rate of TB in the Golden State has increased each year since 2020, with it now holding the highest number and one of the highest rates of TB cases in the country. And deaths are also mounting.

Former President Donald Trump successfully had President Biden evicted from the White House Thursday after successfully sneaking back into the White House and invoking Squatters Rights. "Surprise!" Trump said as he jumped out of a secret passage, revealing he had been living in the walls for the last 30 days. "It's me, your favorite squatter. Now get out, Sleepy Joe! I live here now. Don't worry, I will fix the country while you're gone, because you're doing a terrible job, frankly." Biden's Secret Service detail was powerless to stop Trump. "Sir, he's got Squatter's Rights. We can't do anything due...

In an impassioned speech during witness questioning, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez declared that RICO is not a crime, but in fact that DoorDash driver who delivers her orders from Panda Express. "Rico is not a crime, he's a human being!" screamed Ocasio-Cortez. "I literally saw Rico yesterday, he brought me delicious General Tso's Chicken. HE IS A PERSON, NOT A CRIME!!!" According to sources, Rico Hernandez has brought Ocasio-Cortez her dinner several times over the years and does not, in fact, have any criminal history. "The fact that you would accuse Rico, who so often has brightened my life with tacos,...

President Biden has entered the March Madness conversation. In a social media post on Wednesday, the president revealed his bracket for the 2024 NCAA competition, favoring UConn, Houston, North Carolina and Tennessee as his final four in the men's tournament. Biden also has UConn winning for the second straight year, this time against Houston. For the final four of the women's tournament, Mr. Biden predicts South Carolina, UCLA, Stanford and UConn will battle it out, with South Carolina winning in the end against UCLA.

U.S. — Leaders in the Lone Star State awoke this morning eager to learn how they would be able to address the border crisis as a federal court once again flipped a coin to see if Texas would be allowed to enforce laws today. The daily routine, consisting of finding out whether law enforcement officers would have the power to enforce laws depending on the whims of different federal judges, has swung wildly from one day to the next, leaving Texas officials wondering which side of the argument currently had the advantage. "Step right up for the daily coin flip...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With oral arguments taking place before the United States Supreme Court regarding online censorship, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson issued a grave warning that the right to free speech would mean people could speak freely. As the nation's highest court considers whether the federal government can limit free speech on social media platforms, Justice Jackson expressed alarm at the potential for the First Amendment provision of free speech to allow people to actually say whatever they want. "This is a very dangerous idea," Jackson said. "Having the right to free speech plainly written into the Constitution could set...

With the world still reeling from former President Donald Trump's brazen, horrifying, and not-at-all-taken-out-of-context prediction of a "bloodbath" if he loses in November, everything he has said in the past is now being scrutinized. Does he have a history of calling for violence? The Babylon Bee has put together the following list of nine other times Trump has obviously called for bloodshed: When he told an actor to "break a leg": Wishing physical pain and suffering on an innocent Hollywood entertainer is no laughing matter. When he said the chocolate cake at Mar-a-Lago was "to die for": Calling all of...

In another unhinged moment, former president Donald Trump vowed to supporters that he would trigger a "landslide" on election day. Being the movement downslope of a mass of earth and rock, landslides have been known to kill people and cause massive property damage to communities around the country every year. This is the first time a former president has threatened to trigger one on election day if the election doesn't go the way he thinks it should. "Landslides kill 25-50 people in the United States every year on average either from falling rocks, debris flows, or collapsing buildings," said a...

U.S. — In the wake of the controversy stirred up by former President Donald Trump's use of the word "bloodbath," Democrats issued a statement to clarify that they're OK with a bloodbath as long as it's just from killing unborn children. "We don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. Not all bloodbaths are necessarily bad," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "While we take exception to Donald Trump's shocking and horrifying use of the term ‘bloodbath,' we are absolutely on board with keeping the bloodbath of murdering unborn infants going in perpetuity. The bloodbath of infanticide is, in fact,...

U.S. — After former President Trump declared his freshly-made guacamole "the bomb", media outlets across the nation announced that Trump had threatened to drop a nuclear bomb if he were to lose the election. "This is a clear call to civil war," cried MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough as video played of Trump eating chips. "You heard the words 'the bomb' from his very own lips. Is there nothing this madman won't do?" Several media outlets reported that Trump's threat of nuclear war came immediately on the heels of Trump vowing to demolish democracy when he claimed he was "about to...