USO Canteen FReeper Style....Monday Mail Call ....July 8,2002

FRiends of the USO Canteen Freeper Style and Snow Bunny

[tomkow6]

Sorry, HAD to leave work to come home............

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by
firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison
guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if
he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want
anything special. When they asked if there was something special
he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked
if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?"
said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One
thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one
whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

[kneezles]

WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!! Here come da judge...Here come da judge...and a little patriotic theme (for the troops)

[tomkow6]

Does Sassy know about this?

[kneezles]

SassyMom wants to be a judge for the mens swimwear. I guess that I'll allow her to do so since it's her birthday week.

[SpookBrat]

I was going to tell you to bend over, but I didn't think that would be appropriate...ROFL!!!!!

[tomkow6]

...it looks like we're gonna have to induct TomKow6. He's earned it for sure. I'll make it official tonight.

Does that mean you'll tell me where the picturs of nakid women are?

[Mr_Magoo]

The Boston Symphony Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he cried.

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later, the drunk musicians staggered back into the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. She pointed this out to her date.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

[tomkow6]

I was going to tell you to bend over

Something like this?

[tomkow6]

A study in London showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.

[Mr_Magoo]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, " I'm doing my math homework, mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "Are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

[tomkow6]

What did the post card from the blonde say?
"Having a good time. Where am I?"

[Mr_Magoo]

At age 4.....success is...not peeing in your pants

At age 12...success is ...having friends

At age 16...success is ...having a drivers license

At age 20...success is ...having sex

At age 35...success is ...having money

At age 50...success is....having money

At age 60...success is....having sex

At age 70...success is....having a drivers license

At age 75...success is....having friends

At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants

[tomkow6]

You must be aware of the following viruses...

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is
fine

Federal Beaurocrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of
which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of your computer

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't
allow the user to accomplish anything

Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or
becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and
erases them in "self-defense".

O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of
your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

[Mr_Magoo]

---

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

---

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it
outside...I just finished
cleaning in here."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet!

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm gonna knock you
into the middle of next
week."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're
in an accident."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME IRONY.
"Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry
about."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your
neck."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until you clean your plate."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER.
"It looks like a cyclone hit this room."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT BE ABOUT HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million
times...don't exaggerate!"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out!"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father."

[tomkow6]

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd
like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from
New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines
are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will
observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will
see a little yellow life raft with three people in it
waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air
stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

[kneezles]

Another one "for the troops".

[Mr_Magoo]

Feeling more secure now

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs:

"FATASS."

I feel safer already.

[tomkow6]

Melvin was playing football very badly.
He tried to kick a goal and missed. Finally,
He threw himself down on the bench and said
in disgust, "Boy, I could just kick myself."
The coach looked the other way. "Don't
bother," he said, "you'd probably miss."

[Mr_Magoo]

Mary the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

However, she made a mistake when she recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.

George, a dedicated Christian and man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

[tomkow6]

Two brothers, John and Richard lived in
the same town. John with his 12 year old
cat, Richard with their 88 year old
Mother. John's whole life was his cat.
He never went anywhere without her. One
day he was faced with a terrible decision.
He had to go to England on business for
his company and he could not take the cat
into England with having to quarantine
her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so
he was faced with either losing his job
or leaving his cat.

Finally he decided to trust his brother
with the cat for the week he would be
gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions,
schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to
London and called Richard every few hours
to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. Four
days of this went by and John was really
getting to be a pain in the neck.

On the fifth day when he called John asked
Richard how Gracile was and Richard told
him. "Gracile is dead"! Well as you can
imagine, John nearly had a heart attack.

When he recovered he said to Richard, "That
was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You
know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't
you have broken it to me gently. You know
like when I called said something like,
well she's OK but she is up on the roof.
And then when I called the next time, tell
me oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof
and she's at the vets. And then the next
time break the news that she passed away.
At least I would have been a little prepared
for the bad news.

"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for
being so heartless."

John accepted Richard's apology for being
so uncaring, and then said, "Oh, by the
way, how's Mother?"

Richard then said, "Well, John, she's OK,
but she's on the roof!"