[Mr_Magoo]

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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

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MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it
outside...I just finished
cleaning in here."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet!

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm gonna knock you
into the middle of next
week."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're
in an accident."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME IRONY.
"Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry
about."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your
neck."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until you clean your plate."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER.
"It looks like a cyclone hit this room."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT BE ABOUT HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million
times...don't exaggerate!"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out!"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father."

[tomkow6]

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd
like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from
New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines
are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will
observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will
see a little yellow life raft with three people in it
waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air
stewardesses. This is a recorded message."