Posted on 04/03/2024 10:25:29 AM PDT by Drew68
Three months ago, Celine and her best friend, Natalie* were both laid off from the same ad agency. No longer able to afford her $3,200 rent in Brooklyn, Celine was forced to move back into her parents’ house in the suburbs. “I’m still reeling, my whole life was flipped on its head,” the 29-year-old says.
The only thing more humiliating than getting fired and packing up your adult existence into your teenage bedroom? Seeing your best friend survive the same brutal layoff and emerge unscathed. “I love Natalie but she didn’t have to lift a finger because her husband is a wealth manager and makes bank,” Celine says. “While I was struggling to get out of my apartment break clause, she went on a week-long yoga retreat to recover from the bad news.”
After a four-year string of unsuccessful situationships, the former ad exec is happy to be on her own for a while, but nothing hits her harder than the financial disparity between her and her partnered friends. “Even when I was employed, I couldn’t afford to vacay in Cuba or jet off to Malawi on a whim,” she adds. “It’s awkward to explain that to someone who has two incomes funding their vacation.”
Celine is hardly alone in feeling the financial pressure of being uncoupled; it’s a widely known and yet ignored fact that the cost of living is higher for single people than it is in two-person households. And this wealth difference, dubbed the singles tax, is only widening with inflation.
In 2010, the median net worth of 25- to 34-year-old married couples was four times that of single households, per the Federal Reserve Bank. By 2019, the difference was nearly nine times. The disparity is more timely than ever as the single population grows; according to the U.S. Census Bureau, 46% of the country’s population over 18 is unmarried, divorced, or widowed.
From Social Security windfalls to potential tax breaks and beyond, it’s often simply more affordable to be one half of a pair. In fact, a 2023 survey of singles and coupled adults by Forbes Advisor found that one-third had stayed in a relationship longer to reap the financial benefits, while 93% of singles feel financially burdened by their relationship status.
The data makes sense, but the wealth difference between single and partnered friends can still creep up on you. For Celine and Natalie, it began as resentment and bubbled into an aggressive confrontation over texts after a series of canceled plans.
“I got tired of the constant jabs about not taking the train down to NYC to have cocktails with them or show up at an impromptu club night,” Celine says. A $48 round-trip train ticket plus a few rounds of drinks add up to about $120 a night, which isn’t feasible for her. “But I hadn’t said anything about the financial pressure before, so when it finally came out, it happened all wrong. She thought I hated her husband or was jealous, when that’s far from it,” she says.
The duo haven’t spoken since the argument. It took courage for the former ad exec to open up to her friend about her financial vulnerability, and the accusation of being jealous of her happy relationship made Celine feel betrayed. In popular culture (take Blair and Serena in Gossip Girl, for example) when a friendship between a single and coupled person suffers, it’s often pinned on envy. Society often tends to look at singles with pity, as if they’ve yet to fulfill an essential goal.
Against this backdrop, it can be easier to assume that a friendship fell apart because the single person was resentful. “It’s never easy to talk about money, so if someone’s expressing their struggles, don’t be dismissive because it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for you. Even if it isn’t your lived reality, approach the conversation with empathy,” says Jenny van Hooff, Ph.D., a sociologist specializing in romantic relationships and female friendships.
Addressing the singles tax effect on a friendship can be difficult. Gaia*, 27, is single and works as an au pair. She pays $3,100 for rent and utilities in Philadelphia every month. If she could split those costs with a partner, she'd save nearly $19,000 a year, a huge chunk of her income.
The au pair often spends her weekends with her best friends, a couple who run a business together. The trio met in college when they could afford the same restaurants and vacations. Recently, however, Gaia finds it hard to keep up with their expensive tastes. “They both know this and insist on picking up the bill, often joking about how they’re the parents and I’m the runaway child,” she says.
In the past two months, they’ve covered two karaoke nights, a formal dinner, and a spontaneous road trip for Gaia, totaling upward of $450. While she knows her friends’ intention is to lessen the distance between them, the constant gestures and jokes only make her feel smaller. “This is a blip in the radar for them because their combined income is much higher than mine, and I’m not ungrateful but I don’t like feeling indebted to my friends,” she says.
Most often, people develop friendships over a shared interest; for Gaia and her pals, it was a love for food and travel. But when their evolving finances threatened these common threads, her friends responded by bridging the gap with money. While superficially, their dynamic looks the same, it hollowed out Gaia’s self-esteem, making her feel like she wasn’t bringing enough to an otherwise healthy relationship.
As friendship coach and the author of Fighting for our Friendships, Danielle Bayard Jackson says, “If brunch dates were once your thing, don’t assume that it has to be for your friendship to work. Check in with your friend to see if their circumstances have changed and [if needed], suggest an alternative plan that’s lighter on the pocket.”
Although a relationship may begin because of a shared experience, for the dynamic to be sustainable, it’s important that both individuals feel equal, and often this equality extends beyond emotional intimacy and effort into monetary contributions.
The singles tax also creates tension for partnered people. Sydney*, 26, moved in with her girlfriend in Chicago eight months ago and has since saved $7,200 in rent alone. Previously, she was paying $2,900 a month to live with roommates and now she splits a $4,000-per-month apartment with her partner. The extra money became discretionary income for Sydney, and she’s since bought a shiny bag from Dior, three limited-edition Stanley cups, a Carhartt jacket for her girlfriend, and a wine club membership.
However, she’s hidden most of these purchases from her childhood friend who has a similar wish list that remains unfulfilled due to the singles tax. “Recently I asked my friend to join me at a sample sale and she half-jokingly said that she can’t afford new shoes every month because she still pays her whole rent,” Sydney says, adding that she feels guilty for her newfound privilege.
To avoid throwing this financial freedom in her friend’s face, Sydney decided it’s best to keep her little luxuries a secret. This kind of secrecy can create tension, says Bayard Jackson. “For so long, people have been ashamed to talk about their financial situations. But for a friendship to work, both the single and partnered friend need to speak about money and how it affects them more openly,” she says.
While there’s no simple fix — the cost of living will still be higher for singles, financial reforms will likely favor couples, and honest conversations can’t magically eliminate jealousy, guilt, or awkwardness — just addressing that the singles tax exists and may impact your friendships can go a long way. It makes both the partnered and unpartnered pal feel more safe in their position, knowing that they can express when they’re feeling financially stretched or restricted. While wealth gaps can be complicated, they don’t have to be a deal-breaker in your friendship — after all, some bonds are priceless.
*Name has been changed.
Yep. When I get a little spare time it's hiking or kayaking with the grandkids or fishing with a buddy, and occasionally target shooting.
you forgot their mental illness, broken hearts, numerous venereal diseases, guilt from multiple abortions, and a nagging sense that they may have listened to the wrong people and now it is too late.
Hmmm, could it be that your profligate spending might just have something to do with it. I’ve been let go twice in reorganizations. Both times I was off work for six months. I am the sole breadwinner and we didn’t have the option to move in with family. I had the responsibility to do whatever I could to earn money. The first time, I busted my tail taking all sorts of odd jobs and doing light handyman work.
The second time, I had a better severance package, but we (six) lived beyond frugally. We had to move 700 miles for a new job and were separated for 8 months while we tried to sell the house.
My sympathy meter is pegged at zero. Maybe she should have some marketable skills.
As far as her whining about vacations, If you’re dual income, you make half of what your husband makes. Your cost for a fancy vacation is also exactly half of what it costs your husband. Let’s say 5/8 because you can’t split hotel and car rental costs. Again, when you’re broke, you don’t take a Caribbean cruise.
Exactly. Their expectations are out of sight and they are unable to roll with the punches that life delivers.
I also like to point out to the young singles that complain that Social Security etc. will not be there for them, that they had better get busy then and produce some little taxpayers.
Even if you do not have a second income just having someone to handle all the little jobs is wealth building.
You have a lunch packed for you, that saves money, you have coffee made, that saves money. You have someone who shops the sales, that saves money.
One of you makes the income, the other makes the home.
Looks like the Waahmbulance is full here.
Sounds like the new, trendy word for what I still call
“shacking up.”
You plus God is a majority.
He will never leave you or forsake you.
He’ll leave the 99 to go search JUST for you.
Because He loves you.
Never forget =o)
That's not necessarily true. I regularly rode or drove a different motorcycle or car or truck to this particular watering hole. Sometimes with a jet ski or boat in tow.
One day the barmaid remarked about all the toys I had and said to me: "You must be single."
I replied: "Yes, but how did you know?"
Barmaid: "You're ugly."
All prayers appreciated
Thank you and God bless you
I quickly learned at 18...
If you can’t afford the rent, you can’t afford a beer
Quit her b!+¢hun, get to work, get smart about your choices
...especially that stupid situationship garbage
Tough times make tough men
...not snowflakes
My wife retired in Dec 2023. She now has a pension and social security. We need to chat with a tax advisor to see how much of her pension should be set aside for taxes. I'm still doing the Single/0 W4. I don't want an unpleasant surprise for taxes next year.
My wife realized that if she had to bear the same level of taxation on her income that I pay on mine, it wouldn't make much sense to continue working.
That may be true for some….
But us divorced dudes definitely don’t see it that way.
Especially if you were married to a person who thought money grew on trees and spent it like a drunken sailer that just arrived at port.
My financial success stems from cutting off the bad debt and wife and working my tail off scoring deals.
For a lot of men, marriage is a financial calamity.
A few years ago my husband was laid off. It was the day before Thanksgiving when they told him. Great timing!
However, we knew God had our back and that if we didn’t give up, we would make it through things ok. God was there in the midst of our storm.
We discovered during this time that it’s not what you know, but who you know. My husband worked his Rolodex like I’ve never seen before. He took odd jobs as a consultant for one former coworker at a different company who needed a little extra help putting together a business proposal at the time.
One little job led to another little job and then another. On their own, each wasn’t much, but together the dollars added up. We scaled back on our expenditures like we did when we were raising our kids. Rarely ate out, watched our water and electricity consumption, things like that. Little by little we managed with the small jobs earnings.
Then one day, one of the companies he wrote up a proposal for asked if he would be interested in full time work. Of course, the answer was yes!
After all was said and done, we have thanked God that he was laid off from that one company. He is in a much, much better situation now.
What line of work are you in? Perhaps someone here at FR knows someone who might need your expertise. Just a thought.
My prayers are with you and your family.
I neglected to add that another fundamental key to sucess is STAYING married.
I looked it up. To see what the average cost of a divorce is. Was surprised to find such a low number.
How Much Does A Divorce Cost In 2024?
Forbes
https://www.forbes.com › advisor › legal › how-much-...
Jul 29, 2022 — The average cost of a divorce in the U.S. is between $15000 and $20000, but this is not a one-size-fits-all price tag.
If there are children, the non custodial is out hundreds more. Each month.
I’m sure you know all this.
I spent my entire career in banking dealing with formerly wealthy clients who lost it all in a divorce. I’m hoping you are one of the few lucky ones who managed to stay afloat.
Married twice. First marriage she betrayed me..embezzled money for two years as she padded her nest with the man she was having the extramarital affair with..Second marriage was great for five years and she died. Took another ten years to become financially stable and overcome the double hit. Tried to find another female but one can’t throw a rock without hitting a “bunny boiler” that is compatible and my age.
Being smart in a divorce is key.
I came out over $270k higher on mine than my ex with regards to the asset split.
She’s teetering on not having anything currently because of the disease that many women have when it comes to spending money to fill their internal void and wants/desires.
I also have a much more positive outlook on life than she does. Positive attitude reinforces realistic and good expectations and endings.
Finances are a religion and I advise all men to heavily scrutinize their potential partner prior to marriage.
From the article: “Gaia*, 27, is single and works as an au pair. She pays $3,100 for rent and utilities in Philadelphia every month.”
My jaw is dropping! That is what a person would gross, not net, at $20/hour. How much is this “au pair” making?????
Also, one woman was paying $2900 to live with housemates? I plan to spend 1/2 that to live alone! And if I couldn’t afford that, I would have 1 or more housemates and halve *that* amount [in a bigger place].
And it is true that young people expect to live the way their parents lived when they were older. I noticed this back in the 1980s. I am the oldest in my family, so I remember the earlier days of their marriage.
Situationship…. for what we used to call boyfriend/girlfriend.
All the intercourse and cohabitation, Only with much less actual commitment.
She needs to find a guy that gives good wallet.
WSWYDT,…….
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