Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Now you're gonna have to explain that one to me.
"...How birthrates color the electoral map [thread]..."
That article basically told me that it is WAY too expensive to properly raise six kids in Manhattan, but that it was achievable in more rural areas of the country. There are millions of childless families (urban, suburban, and rural) who chose to re-elect President Bush to office.
~ Blue Jays ~
Well, since it seems like you're asking for input, I'll pipe up. Try to have a baby. The horses can wait. You might wonder why you even wanted to do that sort of stuff after you have a child.
It's totally fair to have a child at 40....if you can. Most women's fertility starts going downhill at 27, so I know this sounds kind of harsh, but you're behind already. I'm speaking from experience, BTW. You have a small window of opportunity now, and if you want to play now, and pay later (awful infertility treatments that cost a fortune and are rarely successful) it's your choice.
Of course, adoption is also an option....a great one IMO, but it's not for everyone. It costs a lot, and takes a lot of time, so 40 for many adoptive parents ends up looking really young.
Best of luck to you.
I can grok to that sentiment.
I'll bet many 'child-free by choice' women will change their minds when they're 50, 60, or even 70 years old, however. Thanks (or no thanks) to modern medicine, we'll be seeing even more of the 'elderly mom' spectacles than we're already seeing now.
Bad idea for the kids.
....47 here and never married. I suppose we should of married any slob and had kids because it seems to be expected and our duty (/sarcasm)....otherwise we are self-centered and selfish
I guess Rush Limbaugh is really selfish too....even though he gives millions to charities...
That makes no sense. I would imagine that over their lifetime, childless couples would pay more into society than they get back.
Common sense is seriously lacking on the part of liberals. Why we would even need to explain to them why school vouchers are good (vice property taxes to pay for public schools)is evidence. :)
Yeah, the hardest time I had with raising children was my first. It seems a though once you have three, having any more than that is no big deal.
My parents took us camping in Northern Michigan. Of all the memories we have those are the ones we talk about the most. "Remember when dad stubbed his big toe on that tent stake and instead of cussing he just said, 'Gee, that felt so good I think I ought to do it again.'"
I take it you don't comprehend statistics.
I stated an observation. There are many old ladies living in FL and AZ who have no one to take care of them. There are many apartment managers who make regular trips to make sure their lone tenants are still alive, because no one else, not a single family member checks up on them. Yes, they find dead bodies. Sometimes they have no one to notify.
When my friends were in their 20's, they would be truthful and tell me how they regret having kids........and let's not forget that ALOT Of kids born today are accidents.
And the beat goes on ...
And those of us without children are getting tired of the ignorance and arrogance of you.
We both have a case of describing eyesight to the blind.
Don't attack those who have decided otherwise, and I won't attack you.
Another issue, particularly in "blue" areas, is that to *properly* raise a child can be an immense challenge. For starters, trying to get by on a single income where I live (mandatory in case of a child, ain't gonna be no day care, no way, no how) is no small task. Oh, and mind you, I utterly refuse to take on any more debt than our current mortgage. Secondly, in terms of schooling, the real choices, in order to avoid the disgusting efforts of pedophilic peddlers of the Gay Agenda and other evil programming, are home schooling or private schooling. Add all that up, and, quite honestly, if we are to have kids, either we must move (and face lower income) or we must accomplish something in situ that borders on a miracle. In summary, it is pricisely my insistance on conservative standards of both child rearing and finances that has counterindicated having a child just yet.
I know of a similar type who dumped her fertility-drug enhanced triplets off at day care six weeks after giving birth. Why bother?
Good point. But I think deep down, even the ones who think that they would would be heartbroken if their child died.
I know what you mean. One lady actually refused to be seated next to us at a restaurant when we were out with our kids (4, 3, and 5 months at the time). My boys were sitting quietly and eating their food...not at all being obnoxious (I have a cure for that, lol).
She was quite loud about her reason for wanting to be moved, too. Nice lady.
That's great that they aren't going to have children just to have children, but then the man assumes that the fathers he knows thinks he's the lucky one, and the woman wants a party for not investing herself in the next generation. Some greyhounds are better off, though, and that's to their credit.
I know a couple who choose to remain childless; they are politically conservative.
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