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10 Great Excuses For Not Reading Your Bible
The Babylon Bee ^ | Jul 26, 2022 | BabylonBee.com

Posted on 07/27/2022 9:49:29 PM PDT by fidelis

We get it. It's hard to read the divinely inspired word of the creator of the universe. He's so judgy! But, since your salvation might depend on it, you better get some great excuses ready to share on Judgment Day.

Here are some of the best excuses for not reading your Bible:

1. You just went to church last month and don't want to overdo it: You don't want to be an extremist!

2. It's not as encouraging as Your Best Life Now: Joel Osteen's prose is to die for.

3. If you take your eye off the Hot Pocket you're microwaving for one second it might burn: And then you'd be hungry! God wouldn't want that.

4. You already watched The Chosen: It's so hard to get into a good book if you already know how it ends.

5. Those 900 Korok seeds in Zelda: Breath of the Wild aren't going to collect themselves: Finding Korok seeds is a metaphor for finding Christ probably.

6. You're Donald Trump and don't need forgiveness: He has never done anything wrong, ever.

7. You're still recovering from the story of Ehud: Enough to give anyone PTSD.

8. You misplaced your copy and new ones are so hard to find: You have to walk all the way to the back of Barnes & Noble.

9. The Jordan Peterson lecture on Genesis you watched has you covered: Up yours woke moralists! We'll see who cancels who from paradise!

20. It's not like the Bible is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work, or anything like that: 'Cause if it were, you'd definitely meditate on it day and night.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; becauseimcatholic; bible; humor; satire
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To: one guy in new jersey

61 posted on 07/28/2022 6:43:18 AM PDT by kinsman redeemer (The real enemy seeks to devour what is good. )
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To: one guy in new jersey

“She is now the Queen Mother in heaven.”

LOL! Actually, I think I did read that in the Bible. In the Book Of Hezekiah, IIRC.


62 posted on 07/28/2022 6:43:22 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (Sometimes when you get to where you're supposed to be, it's too soon.)
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To: metmom

“it was Pope Gregory who started with the her being a prostitute myth.”

Thanks. I’ve wondered where that legend began. I thought maybe Aesop, but pope works, too.


63 posted on 07/28/2022 6:44:42 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (Sometimes when you get to where you're supposed to be, it's too soon.)
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To: kinsman redeemer

Interesting story. My dear friend’s husband was in whatever group it is to become a priest. He started in high school, and then on to a seminary-type place.

Then he started to read the Bible. Left the church, got married, raised a family, etc. (Still a lib lunatic, though.)


64 posted on 07/28/2022 6:49:37 AM PDT by MayflowerMadam (Sometimes when you get to where you're supposed to be, it's too soon.)
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To: kinsman redeemer

Suit yourself, kr, but at some point you will come to know your error.


65 posted on 07/28/2022 7:07:32 AM PDT by one guy in new jersey
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To: MayflowerMadam

See my #52. Pope Gregory said no such thing.


66 posted on 07/28/2022 7:10:56 AM PDT by one guy in new jersey
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To: abigkahuna

I am going through the NAB Catholic bible. Well worth a read!


67 posted on 07/28/2022 7:16:38 AM PDT by Ruy Dias de Bivar (“Both oligarch and tyrant mistrust the people, and therefore deprive them of their arms.” – Aristotl)
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To: Psalm 73

I am reminded of Jury Duty I was on a few years ago. One defendant decided to defend himself without a lawyer. He began by telling us of a story from the bible.

Before he finished his first sentence I know he had never cracked a bible in his life, because no such story was in the bible.


68 posted on 07/28/2022 7:21:38 AM PDT by Ruy Dias de Bivar (“Both oligarch and tyrant mistrust the people, and therefore deprive them of their arms.” – Aristotl)
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To: fidelis

No. 1: It’s in Hebrew.


69 posted on 07/28/2022 7:28:08 AM PDT by Zionist Conspirator (Secularism is a fraud and a failure.)
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To: Ruy Dias de Bivar
"...because no such story was in the bible."

Years ago I was giving a sermon on Bible reading, and I used the dictum "God helps those who help themselves", with a ppt slide that had that verbiage and "Proverbs 31:32"

I lingered a few seconds and watched a few quizzical looks, and sadly a LOT of nodding heads.

I gently told them that is not found anywhere in the Bible, and reinforced the need to be familiar with their Bibles, less they be drawn astray.

70 posted on 07/28/2022 7:28:58 AM PDT by Psalm 73 ("You'll never hear surf music again" - J. Hendrix)
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To: Psalm 73

“less” should be “lest” - old eyes....


71 posted on 07/28/2022 7:30:26 AM PDT by Psalm 73 ("You'll never hear surf music again" - J. Hendrix)
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To: Psalm 73

Good on you! It is amazing how many people really think the Bible says that. It is completely antithetical to the gospel!


72 posted on 07/28/2022 7:48:39 AM PDT by .30Carbine
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To: kinsman redeemer
Here's one that my family experienced (when I was young, a devoted RCC, and not yet saved) -- 11. The "Priest" said that I shouldn't read the Bible because it can only be properly interpreted by a "Priest."

I've heard that often and I don't doubt it's true in many people in the past. It's kind of taken on urban legend status like the stories of the mean nuns with the rulers-- many more people tell the story as a joke than actually experienced it. Neither one is something you'd find today, or in the last 60 or 70 years or so.

But, as a Catholic Bible teacher, I talk to a LOT of older Catholics about the Bible and just as many say they never experienced it. Today in the Catholic Church, there are so many good resources available for studying the Bible, there is no excuse.

73 posted on 07/28/2022 7:50:47 AM PDT by fidelis (👈 Under no obligation to respond to rude, ignorant, abusive, bellicose, and obnoxious posts.)
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To: fidelis

“because you are biblically literate...”

I question that. I’ve been intensely studying & teaching the Bible for 55 years and every Chosen I’ve seen is full of unbiblical stuff. Yes, lots is Biblical - but plenty contradicts scripture too......they “go beyond what is written”.

And often the viewers don’t remember the Biblical part - they remember the part that is extra-biblical or unbiblical - and consider is as valid as scripture itself.

Not good.

Every view of The Chosen should be followed by a Berean study to see “if it really is so” what the show presents. Sadly, I doubt if many do that.


74 posted on 07/28/2022 7:51:54 AM PDT by Arlis
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To: MayflowerMadam; metmom
“it was Pope Gregory who started with the her being a prostitute myth.”

The erroneous idea that Mary Magdalene was the "penitent woman" who washed Jesus' feet with her tears didn't actually start with Pope Gregory's sermon, but was already a common belief at the the time that he was repeating it. Catholic biblical scholars today recognize this conflations of the two Marys is not correct, and the Church (back in the 1960's) removed the title "penitent" from her feast day.

Though his facts may not have been accurate, he was not attempting to destroy Mary Magdalene, but to praise her as a model of penitence. In the meantime, we should note that however great the authority of Pope Gregory, his teaching about Mary Magdalene was not infallible, nor was it issued in an encyclical or a papal bull. It was never defined as Catholic dogma nor upheld as sacred doctrine by an ecumenical council.

75 posted on 07/28/2022 8:03:51 AM PDT by fidelis (👈 Under no obligation to respond to rude, ignorant, abusive, bellicose, and obnoxious posts.)
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To: Arlis; metmom

I agree with that and I think metmom (whom I was addressing) would agree with that too. I think that was her (and my) point.


76 posted on 07/28/2022 8:06:45 AM PDT by fidelis (👈 Under no obligation to respond to rude, ignorant, abusive, bellicose, and obnoxious posts.)
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To: one guy in new jersey; Elsie
Elsie, everything the Blessed Virgin Mary has ever said, including in any Church-approved apparition, boils down to: Do what He tells you.

It doesn’t need Mary for someone to tell others to do what Jesus tells them.

Anyone can do it and it will be just as valid from them as from her.

77 posted on 07/28/2022 8:41:12 AM PDT by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…)
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To: MayflowerMadam

I guess God is not good enough for some people.


78 posted on 07/28/2022 8:42:08 AM PDT by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…)
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To: one guy in new jersey

Who framed Mary Magdalene?

https://uscatholic.org/articles/201603/who-framed-mary-magdalene/

‘ Although the decline of Mary of Magdala’s reputation as apostle and leader most likely began shortly after her death, the transformation to penitent prostitute was sealed on Sept. 14, 1591, when Pope Gregory the Great gave a homily in Rome that pronounced that Mary Magdalene, Luke’s unnamed sinner, and Mary of Bethany were, indeed, the same person.

“She whom Luke calls the sinful woman, whom John calls Mary, we believe to be the Mary from whom seven devils were ejected according to Mark,” Gregory said in his 23rd homily. “And what did these seven devils signify, if not all the vices? . . . It is clear, brothers, that the woman previously used the unguent to perfume her flesh in forbidden acts . . .”’

It was one of YOUR popes.

You all need to own your churches teachings and stop blame shifting.


79 posted on 07/28/2022 8:47:17 AM PDT by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…)
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To: one guy in new jersey

Who framed Mary Magdalene?

https://uscatholic.org/articles/201603/who-framed-mary-magdalene/

‘ Although the decline of Mary of Magdala’s reputation as apostle and leader most likely began shortly after her death, the transformation to penitent prostitute was sealed on Sept. 14, 1591, when Pope Gregory the Great gave a homily in Rome that pronounced that Mary Magdalene, Luke’s unnamed sinner, and Mary of Bethany were, indeed, the same person.

“She whom Luke calls the sinful woman, whom John calls Mary, we believe to be the Mary from whom seven devils were ejected according to Mark,” Gregory said in his 23rd homily. “And what did these seven devils signify, if not all the vices? . . . It is clear, brothers, that the woman previously used the unguent to perfume her flesh in forbidden acts . . .”’

It was one of YOUR popes.

You all need to own your churches teachings and stop blame shifting.


80 posted on 07/28/2022 8:47:18 AM PDT by metmom (...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…)
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