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Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
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me
me
You!!!!
You!!!!
You!!!!
You!!!!
You!!!!
You!!!!
It's all about "You"!!!!
Well, somebody musta done something right fer him to grow into the fine young man he has become.
FReegards to his parents...MUD
Silly Richmonders...MUD
One day, Bill Clinton was out jogging, and he came upon a hooker who was plying her trade. He asked her how much, and she said $100. He said "That's way too much, I'll give you $20". She said "Get lost, you cheapskate!"
The next day, he was out jogging again, he came upon the same hooker, and the same thing happened.
By chance, the third day, Hillary wanted to go jogging with him. Well, the inevitable happened, and they passed the same hooker. She took one look at Hillary and shouted:
"See what you get for $20!"
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F**k those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a f**king grenade in my mouth, pull the f**king pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f**king mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F**k it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the f**king 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
I'm working on another test study guide. One of guides put out by another publisher has "[t]he nuclear arms build-up increased fear and instability" as the "correct" answer for a question concerning the "results" of the Cold War. Now, to my way of thinking, I'd say we can point to another result from Reagan-style deterrent.
I wanted to try to impart some truths into my stuff, but finding the stuff I need to cite to do that is not easy! And it's taking so much time to do that it is quickly becoming impractical.
I'm stuned!
"It was 1967, and the unprepared college student was driving back home to Buffalo, NY for Thanksgiving dinner.
Of course, the old clunker had no radio, but worse, it had no heat. And the temperature was near zero with the blinding snow seeming to blow sideways as the drifts grew larger.
Stopping in a diner for hot chocolate, the student notices a sweet looking miss sobbing at the counter.
"What's the matter, miss?", he says showing concern.
"Oh", she cries, "my ride is stuck 30 miles away and I'm going to miss the family reunion."
"Well, my old Betsy has no heat or radio, but you're welcome to join me", he said.
Driving down Route 90 along Lake Erie, with the wind howling and visibility failing, the car suddenly gets a flat tire.
"Don't worry, I checked the spare and it's good", he said as he slid out into the below zero elements...with no gloves.
The cold metal on his fingers was too much to bear and in a matter of moments, the jack assembled, he lost all feeling in his hands. He rushed back into the relative safety of the car and eyes tearing, he frantically tried to rub them together to make them functional again.
"Here, put them between my thighs for a minute and they'll be warm in no time", said the girl.The student gladly complied and sure enough, in a minute he was ready to go back out there in the howling storm and get those lug nuts off.
Once again, as he finally got the last lugnut off the wheel, he could hardly see with his eye lashes freezing shut, and ran back into the car where the girl once again allowed him to warm his hands between her thighs.
"Thank you again", he says and regretfully opens the car door to complete the change of the flat tire.
He almost make it..except that 2 jugnuts had fallen into the snow and with his fingers frozen he couldn't go on...so he goes back into the car.
"May I ask you a question", the girl said.
"Sure" says the student. "Go ahead".
"Don't your ears ever get cold"?
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