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My Pregnant Wife: An Unexpected Target in the Culture Wars
Vanity ^ | 2 Apr 05 | gobucks

Posted on 04/02/2005 4:36:04 AM PST by gobucks

"Don't you dare guilt your wife into having a natural childbirth!", I am told by a nice woman I know at church. I have known this lady for some time, and we have never talked politics. Suddenly, my wife is hot political topic #1. And though the politics are 'under the radar', my wife is clearly a target in the ongoing cultural war.

Until my wife started to dramatically enlarge during this last trimester, comments like these had been few. Now, it is a torrent. "What hospital? What OB? You are getting an epidural, right? What brand of formula do you plan to use (as if we will collapse immediately into the arms of the Enfamil salesman)? You are not going to breast feed too long, are you? Are you on a waiting list yet for infant day care?"

My wife and I, married over 10 years with all kinds of issues associated with getting pregnant are about to be parents of a boy in a few weeks. We are of course, thrilled and overjoyed.

But the political overtones of how we bring him into the world are just unreal. The unending stream of opinion and advice about it, with over 95 percent of it being something like this: "don't be stupid. Get the epidural." We have yet to have a single woman report to us that having her baby in a fully undrugged state was a good idea.

Why is labor today so terrifying for women? Why is it that husbands are being taught that encouraging a woman to experience a full unmedicated delivery is akin to treating her like a barbarian? Heck, I've told my wife I am not the one having the baby, and thus, I'm not about to dictate to her how it should be done; I simply said I like the idea of natural childbirth and that is it. Why is this so politically incorrect? Why are hordes of women pouring out of the woodwork yelling at us to make sure she gets the drugs, the epidural?

What the heck is going on such that bringing a child into the world has to be so .... upsetting?

And these are women at my church! I can just imagine what a hapless secular woman in some lonely cul-de-sac must endure.

I'm a typical Chistian man with a very pregnant wife. I have an atypical enthusiasm for most things associated with FreeRepublic. I'm looking for reports from any of you husbands (or their wives) out there have experienced the kind of unreal cultural pressure my wife and I have undergone as this last trimester winds down.

I have googled around, looking for articles about this - and it is just about nada. Mostly stuff on teen pregnancy and abortion. Zilch regarding ordinary married folks who are being pressured to have a 'modern' birth experience.

I'm I the only one who is seeing how a pregnant woman is somehow a political lightning rod these days?


TOPICS: Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: breastfeeding; childbirth; drugs; politics; pregnancy; vanityallisvanity
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To: gobucks
We too are a Christian family, and have three children. Here's our sequence:

First one, natural delivery, with an epidural

Second one, natural delivery, with an epidural, took too long to deliver

Third one, very rapid development, no time for epidural as the baby was already coming out (epidurals take time). My wife was horrified and she'd never felt like that before, but the delivery was quick. Later on she said what women have been saying for millenia: "It was painful but I can't remember it."

Your problem was talking with the women in your church about women's issues. It makes you a sensitive guy to communicate with women but in the end women are women and are never wrong in their minds.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with using medicine to make life easier. I had a tooth extracted and had novocaine -- that didn't happen 100 years ago.

Suggestion: if this is your first child, let your wife do the epdiural. She feels about 25% of the pain so it's not like our mothers, who were 100% knocked out. Some women never have easy deliveries -- they are long, drawn out, and painful. Some women are made to delivery easily, like my wife. It has nothing to do with size or height, as my wife is a naturally slender lady.

Also, some women turn into near-demons during delivery. If your wife is one of those, she might curse you if she's feeling 100% of the pain during a long, 12-hour delivery.

So get through the first one with the epidural. If it's quick, and smooth, and your wife is ebullient and joyful about the process, THEN do the fully natural the 2d, 3rd, and 4th times.

Last bit of advice -- stop talking about these things with the ladies at church. No matter what you talk about you become gossip fodder for them behind your back. It's a lose-lose ballgame.

81 posted on 04/02/2005 5:39:30 AM PST by tom h
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To: freedomfiter2

When I was growing up, there was a tall blond woman in our neighborhood who drove a van (think Midge from That 70s show, and same timeframe). When they pulled up into a grocery store, it was like a Shriner's parade - child after child exiting the van. It was a hoot! I had large family envy when I was a kid.


82 posted on 04/02/2005 5:41:19 AM PST by mabelkitty (Friends don't let friends Opus!)
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To: gobucks

Bfore you ask yourself what has changed that women now require anasthetics for choild delivery, ask yourself what has changed that men now require anasthetics for dental extraction, major surgery and so forth. For most women the argument is really that until recently most anasthetic methods were known to damage the baby and methods with proven track records are of only recent development.

As a father of three (With one more on the way), my advice is this: What is happening is no one's business but you and your wife's. Other popele's opinion are of no importance and may be tuned out. That said, you do have a duty to enbsure your wife is not choosing a course of action simply to please you against her own best interests.

For one thing, go into the delivery suite with an open mind. You and your wife may not plan on having any pain relief, but make sure your wife knows that if she changes her mind and decides she wants it, then it is there for her and that you will still support her decision.

Best of luck!


83 posted on 04/02/2005 5:41:20 AM PST by Androcles (All your typos are belong to us)
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To: gobucks

Let her & her ob/gyn decide. Hint: your opinion on her pain control will NOT be appreciated, especially as labor progresses. My husband very kindly said, "hey honey, I see the head" to which I pulled the oxygen away and said, "Who died and made you doctor?" Two seconds later the nurse said the same thing. I felt a little bad for snapping at him, but he should have kept his medical opinion to himself at that point!

She's got plenty of options, she should use whatever gets her through. Some women have a very low threshold for pain, why suffer?

Everyone is different. Each labor is different. Don't close any options, you can't be sure how you (and the baby) will react.

I thought natural sounded cool. I did beg at the end of my 1st labor but was too far gone for it to be effective so I didn't get anything. Good thing is, once its over the pain is really over, stops immediately.

Fourteen months later I would have taken whatever they offered, but labor was over in under an hour & again I didn't get anything. I realized I have a higher than normal threshold for pain. But believe me, IT HURTS.

Third time was a very slow progressing labor, but very few contractions. When I decided I was tired of waiting around for this baby, I warned everyone I was pushing him out with next contraction and I did (they had threatened pitocin & I wanted no part of that. I've heard that labor really hurts). I know time really deadens the memory of the pain, but that delivery just wasn't as painful. Of course I had normal and proportionally sized babies. And No medical issues.



84 posted on 04/02/2005 5:42:07 AM PST by YankeeGirl
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To: ShadowDancer
My husband tired something like that on me when I was labor. He told me the pain was in my imagination and all I had to do was imagine something else. I know he was trying to help- But gentlemen, please do not do that with your wives.

If you need some advice on a more appropriate phrase to give your wife while she is in labor- freep mail and I will be glad to help you out!

85 posted on 04/02/2005 5:42:09 AM PST by Diva Betsy Ross (Code pink stinks!)
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To: gobucks

One more thing...after the baby son is here..we want to hear your thoughts on the whole birthing process.


86 posted on 04/02/2005 5:42:26 AM PST by AmericanMade1776
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To: Androcles; Darksheare
Other popele's opinion are of no importance and may be tuned out.

You spelled epople wrong.

87 posted on 04/02/2005 5:43:30 AM PST by Tax-chick (Do not fear the words of a sinner, for his splendor will turn into dung and worms.)
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To: Caipirabob

That, I don't understand.
If a woman isn't dilated in 36 hours, why do they wait and what are they waiting for?


88 posted on 04/02/2005 5:44:11 AM PST by mabelkitty (Friends don't let friends Opus!)
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To: gobucks
Here's a sure-fire response: "I'll be glad to discuss our pregnancy with you, right after we finish discussing your intrusive lack of manners." Works every time.

BTW, twenty-five years ago we used Bradley. Our kids are saved, politically conservative, heterosexual, have not gotten pregnant out-of-wedlock, and have never been arrested.

89 posted on 04/02/2005 5:45:06 AM PST by Hebrews 11:6 (Look it up!)
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To: rabidralph

I dunno, Ralph.
I'm sure he likes having working knee-caps ; )


90 posted on 04/02/2005 5:47:22 AM PST by mabelkitty (Friends don't let friends Opus!)
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To: petitfour
I agree with the Pitocin. I would not recommend it, unless there is a medical need. That was my case. I fought it for as long as I could- until I had no choice.

There is something else to remember: We don't have control over the labor. And I know lots of women who beat themselves up because they didn't have the perfect storybook delivery. ( I did for a bit over the Pitocin)

Husbands are so very important there.

Guys: Love your wife,hold her hand and tell her you think she is amazing for what she doing and did- and that will erase a lot of the pain and perhaps guilt.

I don't think women need to be put on a pedestal for having children. But the love and kindness from the hubby makes or breaks the deal.

Men may feel helpless during delivery- but they are very-very important to the whole process and to the mood of the Mom-

Better mood- means better FAMILY bonding.

91 posted on 04/02/2005 5:52:51 AM PST by Diva Betsy Ross (Code pink stinks!)
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To: SamuraiScot

I've worked with women who were made to feel guilty because they were tired and felt like crap.
I've seen biddies gossiping about them if they've had to lay down on the couch in the ladies room. I've heard flippant remarks because they were going to be out on maternity leave, and because they don't work ten hours a day "like they used to".

I, on the other hand, shut 'em down when I mention they constantly leave for work because of their children that are already here. I can do that, as I don't have children. It's somewhat of a food chain example of what goes on. Women with children seem to have no sympathy for preganant women going through it the first time. They "pull rank" like "if you think this is bad, just wait until he/she gets here".


92 posted on 04/02/2005 5:52:55 AM PST by mabelkitty (Friends don't let friends Opus!)
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To: gobucks
Congratulations on being a first time parent. This will qualify you to dispense advice to strangers with out even being asked. You will be an authority on birth procedures, infant feeding, and behavior. You may retell your success stories to first time parents everywhere.

Your certificate will be sent to you on completion of your first child's passage of each stage. Until then, you just need to listen to us experienced mommies and daddies.

Just kidding. Use your common sense, be consistent, and do everything out of love. That should take care of it.

I found breastfeeding to be wonderful. You never have to turn on the light for nighttime feeding. It is always the right temperature and you don't have to run by the store. Plus if you do not give the baby the nutrition that your body have stored up for him, guess who gets to keep it. ( I have my mommy license.)

93 posted on 04/02/2005 5:53:20 AM PST by myprecious
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To: LoudRepublicangirl

Your opinion about over-medication is no more valid than the other's opinions on using medication. Pain is real. Some people cannot bear it. Medication is a valid option for those people. Millions of babies are born normal and healthy to mothers who medicated. There is no more value in the choice of natural childbirth than there is in the choice using of medication.


94 posted on 04/02/2005 5:53:42 AM PST by SALChamps03
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To: petitfour

Read my post below.
You are my hero.


95 posted on 04/02/2005 5:53:54 AM PST by mabelkitty (Friends don't let friends Opus!)
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Comment #96 Removed by Moderator

To: rabidralph
Tell your wife that pain is just weakness, leaving the body.

rofl

I wish we could have a button at a moment that's said and transfer the PAIN to the husband....

97 posted on 04/02/2005 5:55:26 AM PST by SunnyUsa
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To: gobucks

You have to go with what you feel is right,what worked with someone else may, or may not work for you. This only involves you and the mother to be, it is no one else's business but yours.

Congratulaions and best wishes for you and your wife.


98 posted on 04/02/2005 5:57:20 AM PST by navygal
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To: tom h

My mom used to say that: It's painful, but you don't remember it. That explains why babies get siblings. If you remember it, you wouldn't do it again.

I had a kidney stone when I was 16, and I sure as heck remember that! I vowed to never have another one again ; )


99 posted on 04/02/2005 5:57:58 AM PST by mabelkitty (Friends don't let friends Opus!)
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To: Zardor

*hugs to you and my hat is off!*

I'm a homeschooling, formerly breastfeeding (2 years 8 months) momma of twins. Unfortunately I had to have a c-section for a myriad of reasons, but my intent had been natural.

We also do the whole foods kind of thing. One twin is preservative sensitive. *shrugs* Live and learn and all that stuff. She goes from sweet and nice to ADD/ADHD demon spawn from hell when she gets certain preservatives.

Anyhow . . . we're out here. Just gotta find us :)


100 posted on 04/02/2005 5:58:34 AM PST by twinzmommy
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