My Pregnant Wife: An Unexpected Target in the Culture Wars

Vanity ^ | 2 Apr 05 | gobucks

[gobucks]

"Don't you dare guilt your wife into having a natural childbirth!", I am told by a nice woman I know at church. I have known this lady for some time, and we have never talked politics. Suddenly, my wife is hot political topic #1. And though the politics are 'under the radar', my wife is clearly a target in the ongoing cultural war.

Until my wife started to dramatically enlarge during this last trimester, comments like these had been few. Now, it is a torrent. "What hospital? What OB? You are getting an epidural, right? What brand of formula do you plan to use (as if we will collapse immediately into the arms of the Enfamil salesman)? You are not going to breast feed too long, are you? Are you on a waiting list yet for infant day care?"

My wife and I, married over 10 years with all kinds of issues associated with getting pregnant are about to be parents of a boy in a few weeks. We are of course, thrilled and overjoyed.

But the political overtones of how we bring him into the world are just unreal. The unending stream of opinion and advice about it, with over 95 percent of it being something like this: "don't be stupid. Get the epidural." We have yet to have a single woman report to us that having her baby in a fully undrugged state was a good idea.

Why is labor today so terrifying for women? Why is it that husbands are being taught that encouraging a woman to experience a full unmedicated delivery is akin to treating her like a barbarian? Heck, I've told my wife I am not the one having the baby, and thus, I'm not about to dictate to her how it should be done; I simply said I like the idea of natural childbirth and that is it. Why is this so politically incorrect? Why are hordes of women pouring out of the woodwork yelling at us to make sure she gets the drugs, the epidural?

What the heck is going on such that bringing a child into the world has to be so .... upsetting?

And these are women at my church! I can just imagine what a hapless secular woman in some lonely cul-de-sac must endure.

I'm a typical Chistian man with a very pregnant wife. I have an atypical enthusiasm for most things associated with FreeRepublic. I'm looking for reports from any of you husbands (or their wives) out there have experienced the kind of unreal cultural pressure my wife and I have undergone as this last trimester winds down.

I have googled around, looking for articles about this - and it is just about nada. Mostly stuff on teen pregnancy and abortion. Zilch regarding ordinary married folks who are being pressured to have a 'modern' birth experience.

I'm I the only one who is seeing how a pregnant woman is somehow a political lightning rod these days?

[Modok]

That is an excellent point, but I would include men who are liberals in there as well.

[SamuraiScot]

It is interesting how people feel perfectly entitled to offer their firm opinions on a personal matter to strangers and chance acquaintances. On the other hand, they have a point to care about it. Your wife is carrying our future, God bless her.

We have five; two were born at home, with a midwife and a doc at a hospital alerted in case of complications. Our midwife is far more scientific-minded, technologically equipped, and of course far more attentive than most of the hospitals we've patronized.

Our philosophy is to use the next level of technology as needed. The midwife could tell our 4th was going to need a hospital, and we nearly had to go for a Caesarian, but didn't need to, as it turned out. My wife was open to the idea of "getting the epidural" in each case, but never wound up going for it.

Long-term nursing is better for kids, physically and psychologically, and much easier on the whole household. Nothing to wash, and diapers are less toxic when the kid is eating from Mama only. We've never used formula; at about a year or a little younger, the baby starts stealing adult food off our plates, and we start giving them their own little supply at meals. When they're ready to wean entirely, they will. (Usually 1 1/2 or 2.) So much of this stuff takes care of itself if you let it.

We consider day-care (infant day care?) obviously silly. A kid needs his parents and family to bond with—not foreign germs.

Only a few years ago, people would swamp the wife with comments like, "You're going to have natural childbirth and breast-feed, RIGHT?" I'm thinking that, post-9/11, there much be a backlash against all that as too touchy-feely. It's not. The hippies got some things right. For every person, drug, and foreign substance you add to a situation, you add some uncertainty and risk. It's a conservative virtue to bring in extra measures only as you need them.

Our prayers for a safe delivery!

[Dutchgirl]

When to burp? How to burp?

With the birth of our daughter, we saw a side of my husbands boss, Jack, that we had never seen before. Baby has colic? His suggestion was "A nipple full of bourbon." Teething pain? A nipple full of bourbon. Not sleeping through the night? A nipple full of bourbon.

We put a picture of Foster Brooks on his desk and called him Jack, Jr.

A few years later, a new job, a new town. Our daughter had the chicken pox and didn't sleep for three days. The pediatrician couldn't understand why we laughed so hard when she suggested that it might help if we offer her some weak wine coolers ...

[ShadowDancer]

Tell your wife that pain is just weakness, leaving the body.

And then watch how fast she knocks his teeth out.

[rabidralph]

*giggle*

[Mrs. P]

You've already got some good advice here. I have nothing to add except that if you think being pregnant brings out the meddlers, wait until you are walking around in public with a newborn baby.

Congratulations and savor sleep while you can!

[Diva Betsy Ross]

You are amazing! And the ones I met were lovely children. I am sure the others are as well.

[tiredoflaundry]

LOL!

[petitfour]

We have eight children. Each birth was natural, and each child was breastfed until I was pregnant again or until he/she decided to move on to real food. I sort of rebel against pressure to do things the modern way when the natural way has worked forever. I always thought it important to prepare for the possibility that I might need a C-section because complications sometimes arise, and I did not want to become psycho afterward about being cut open or anything else.

Being realistic about the pain of childbirth and the risks is important because once the process starts, ya gotta keep going. Stay calm. Breathe. If baby happens to be too big or flips in process, be prepared for a C-section.

Another thing that helped was PRAYER.

Best wishes to you and your wife!

[Restorer]

I haven't seen anybody comment on the apparent effects of medication on the baby.

What is pronounced "normal" behavior for newborns: sleeping almost continuously, inability to focus, a dazed expression, etc. appears to be largely the residual effects of medication, since the vast majority of American babies are born to heavily medicated mothers. These effects may last for weeks or months, as the baby's immature systems find it difficult to throw off their effects.

My wife gave birth to two beautiful daughters without any medication whatsoever. Both girls were alert and active literally from the moment of birth. The difference from babies born to medicated women was quite dramatic.

I have no intention of condemning anybody else's decision, and would have fully supported her if she'd chosen to be medicated.

But I think it makes sense to at least contemplate the possible effects on the baby, although I have no idea whether the effects linger past a few weeks.

[Rebelbase]

Bill Cosby once said he thought it must be like trying to pull your bottom lip up over the top of your head.

[intenseracer]

Had all five (Yes, five) of my babies naturally and without medication AND without complications. It's what a woman's body was made for. Nurse long. Good for you, absolute BEST for your babies.

[Diva Betsy Ross]

Oh! The other thing is I was induced. Each time for medical reasons - or I would have passed on the inductions. With inducing, the labor is much more intense and probably a bit more difficult to get ahead of the pain because it causes rapid and strong contractions-but the end game is shorter.

You may want to be prepared with a pain relief plan in case your wife has to be induced.

I mean just talk to your doctors about it.

I went the basic route for pain med because I was having a hard time controlling the pain. Most women I have spoken with had similar situations.

I hope your wife has a short delivery!

[Tax-chick]

Not watching Oprah?

LOL! Poor Oprah. I wouldn't trade my tract house in the suburbs and my babies for her millions if you held a gun to my head.

Feeling secure, I believe, is a result of experience. You go through all kinds of stuff ... you do some things right and a bunch of things wrong ... but everyone survives. Then you realize that how things turn out doesn't depend on you; most of life is out of your control, so have a drink and make a bad joke or two.

You also feel secure, I believe, when you decide to love people instead of things. People can love you back, and being loved makes you strong. Houses, clothes, jewelry, and cars can't love you back ... and certainly your employer doesn't love you ... so why spend your labor for that which does not satisfy, to paraphrase Isaiah.

[SunnyUsa]

First, I want to tell you that for some reason strangers think they can say anything to a pregnant woman. I experienced this with my first especially - and I was shocked at how some "little old lady" I didn't know would come up to me and pat my stomach and ask me personal questions!

I wasn't too thrilled about that.

As for people asking questions about what you and your wife are doing, you really do need to shut them down with "that's something we are going to decide privately for our family" etc....people should back off.

Now as for having an epidural or not...

I will tell you I've done it both ways - and I would never NOT have an epidural again.

It hurt worse than I ever could imagine, I was overwhelmed with the pain and though with my first I had "natural childbirth" I only remember it as pure hell and horror. I was so sick I could barely bond with my newborn....

After that, I wanted an epidural and it was great!

I had the best experience...I have never known anyone to regret an epidural.

I survived natural childbirth, but wouldn't do it again without an epidural.

My advice to you is you should keep your options open and if your wife asks for medical help with the pain don't deny her....it really should be up to her since you have no idea how bad it is till you're "in the moment"....

Good Luck!

[Tax-chick]

I would include men who are liberals in there as well.

Good point.

[mabelkitty]

My stepdaughter has six. She's only a couple years younger than I am. I never had children, but I freely tell women to enjoy the pregnancy and the birth. It seems so short (to us non-pregnant) women, that nine months of a life-altering experience should be experienced fully.
I'm also a huge fan of breast-feeding (even though I've never done it), and think the whole pregnancy, birthing and post-pregenancy process is such a miracle.

To some, those who don't have children have no right to such opinions, but those are sentiments are usually expressed by women who immediately dump their kids off at day care after six weeks and take pills to dry their milk to they can get back to work. Why bother having children if you are hell-bent on refusing to bond with them.

Flame away, folks. I could care less.

[petitfour]

ALL of my LDR nurses told me afterward how going natural made things so much easier because you can get right up and walk around and go potty all on your own. I don't think anyone ever told me before labor what the negatives of epidurals are.

Pitocin is a big no-no in my book now that I have had it given during three labors. It makes the PAIN much more intense. If you (your wife) can avoid it, do.

[Tax-chick]

Not an image that works for me.

[Tax-chick]

Thanks!