"Break clean and go to your respective corners...."
Posted on 11/28/2004 4:59:45 PM PST by patriciaruth
I've got a bunch of Christmas cards ("proudly MADE in the U.S.A.") that will be going with the last Christmas care packages for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with candy canes and other goodies, and
I need some fun jokes to go in them!
Please both post your joke here and then send a copy to me by FReepmail with your first name, town and State at the bottom.
I'll print them up and tuck them in the last 4 or 5 dozen cards going out tomorrow and Tuesday.
A termite walked into a tavern and asked ''where's the bar tender''
I'm glad you liked it, it's a modified old classic.
The evening of November 3, 2004, John Kerry walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a drink. The bartender walked over to him and asked, "Why the long face?"
The tame way?
That's good, Acetone manufacturers everywhere were worried they
might have to come up with a new product name! ;-)
LOL!
Can't wait until some intrepid adventurer sticks creamora in the stuff against my warning and better judgement..
..and when they come back from their hyper buzz they wonder just what the heck happened.
bttt
Mr. Johnson is curious about the rifle and asks, "I don't see where I come in and besides, what's the rifle for?"
The handler replies, "If for any reason, I fall out of the tree, for God's sake...shoot the dog!"
The following is true.
My dog is half Shi-Tzu and half toy poodle. His breed is called a Shi-poo. His name is Charley and is the best natured dog I have ever owned.
"Please cheer up man you'll have a much happier life that way."
I am plenty cheerful, when it is appropriate and fitting. However, there are things that should never be the brunt of jokes. Don't let your desire to be "cheerful" in life mess up what comes after. Take care.
"Break clean and go to your respective corners...."
The Texas Blonde
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry," and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."
John Kerry, in dire need of carrying Ohio in his 2004 presidential bid, decided he should go "goose hunting" to maybe shore up the NRA and hunter's votes.
Kerry goes and buys his hunting licence, full camo gear, and brandishing his new shotgun, paused for the pre-hunt photo ops, and then takes off with a few other hunters, and begins his goose quest.
Going quite far off the "beaten path", to remain out of sight of the press incase he comes up "empty" in his "endeavor", Kerry and crew finally see a chance for a goose as a flock finally flies overhead within shotgun range. The rest of Kerry's team hold their fire to give Kerry his chance for a "kill".
Kerry fires twice and misses, but his third and last good shot at the flock, hits it's mark and wings one of the geese. The bird does not go down right away, but injured, glides on a downward path ahead of Kerry's party and lands out of their sight near what appears to be a farmers barn and house.
Kerry's party quickly goes to redeem their "prize", and climbing over the farmer's fence that marks his property, see the goose still flapping beside the farmer's barn. Kerry quickly heads to the barn, but is stopped short of retrieving the goose, as he is suddenly met by the farmer who owns the property.
Kerry says to the farmer:"Hello, I'm John Kerry, the Senator from Mass who is running for President. I shot a goose, and it landed by the barn and I was going to retrieve it."
The farmer replies:"Yes, I recognize you Senator, but it seems like you are unfamiliar with the goose hunting rules here in Ohio. If the goose lands on someone elses property, you do not have ownership of the bird, unless you are the winner of the challenge by the owner of the property."
Kerry replies: "I didn't know about the Ohio rule challenge. What is it?"
The farmer replies:"The owner of the property gets to pick the challenge. If you refuse, I get to keep the goose."
Kerry questions the farmer: "Well, it sounds fair, but what is your challenge ?"
The farmer replies: "You and I will have a contest. The contest is, we will take turns accepting a kick to the groin, and the last one standing gets to keep the goose. Agreed?"
Kerry thinks for a moment. He doesn't want to come away from his well publicized "goose hunt" empty handed, and the farmer doesn't look very strong. The war hero Kerry says to the farmer: "Well, it's a strange challenge, but let's go for it !!"
The farmer replies: "Ok Senator, but because I am the property owner, I get to start the challenge."
Kerry agrees. He hands his shotgun to one of the members of his party, and takes an open stance ready to accept the farmer's first attempt.
The farmer approaches Kerry, and gives him such a kick, that Kerry is lifted off his feet, and crumples into a writhing ball of pain. The farmer backs away, waiting to see if Kerry will survive his first kick. Kerry groans in pain, but after a few seconds, with his friends cheering him to get up, rises to his feet.
With Kerry's party cheering him on, Kerry says to the farmer: "Well that was pretty good, but now according to your rules, it's my turn to kick you !!"
The farmer replies: "Aw, you can keep the goose !!"
What do young women call old men hitting on them?
"Viagravation"
Wooly Bugger, my Butt!
I'm done with copying jokes. The boxes are ready to seal and put in the mail in the morning.
Christmas cards and letters for our Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan
We don't need any more jokes. They've been printed and put in holiday cards and are boxed and ready to mail tomorrow.
THANK YOU, EVERYONE!
ping
Jokes Ping
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