Free Republic Smokers' Lounge

Puff List ^ | 9/5/03 | francisandbeans

[Robert A Cook PE]

Nah.

It's been photoshopped to pieces.

Shillery! is too skinny in that picture.

[Conspiracy Guy]

Yeah you got me there.

[aaaDOC]

Hi Joe. Make mine an extra Bombay Sapphire Martini with a Montecristo No. 2 on the side.

Ouch! Something just bit me.

Boy, the jokes are great today. I tip my hat to all who sent them in. Oops, I am not wearing a hat.

First, a little education for all of those in the lounge.

Go to    http://www.spaceref.com/news/viewsr.html?pid=10169
and see a great picture of Mars as shot from the Hubble Telescope.

Second, here are a couple of jokes to keep the people here laughing.

*******************

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.  At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

**************
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like.  "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

**************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

**************
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.  She told him she was writing a story.  "What's it about?" he asked.  "I don't know," she replied.  "I can't read."

**************
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.

In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

**************
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.  Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.  The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

**************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.  "Mine says I'm four."

*******************
At the head table in the cafeteria of a Catholic school, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples.  Beside the bowl, she placed a note, which read "Take only one.  Remember, God is watching." At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.  Beside the bowl was a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read: "Take all you want.  God's watching the apples."

***************************

You know you are addicted to the internet when...


You find yourself typing 'com' after every period when using a word processor.com

ou turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

Your start introducing yourself as 'John at I-I-Net dot com.'

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their name.

You can't call your mother - she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 2400 modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as [downloading].

You tell the cab driver you live at: http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: 'The computer cannot come to bed.'

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-).

You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat..."

*************************

Headlines from 2035.


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally....  Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z.  Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

Average price of a single-family home in Southern California is $2,500,000, and a three-bedroom apartment now rents for $8,000 a month.

Celebrating Christmas now officially a felony as it offends too many people

***************************8

Everyone have a great weekend!

[doubled]

The usual, Joe. Here is one that should bring a smile:

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The
dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking,
shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and
places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles
and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After
a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the
woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies..."Divorce Attorney."

[MeekOneGOP]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Just another Joe]

Pretty good but try this one on for size.

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder.
"I hear your St.Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"
"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
"You're right,he is unshakable!"

The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch."
The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said...
"I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

[Eastbound]

Hi, Joe. Present, thirsty, and accounted for. Just a simple six-pack will do. Thanks.

[Just another Joe]

heh heh
Here's another for you.

Blonde Perspective on Year 2000

I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your directions. To be honest, none of the Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate, I have finished converting all the months on my calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November and December.
I also changed the days. Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak and Sundak.

[Just another Joe]

About the simplest six pack I could find.

[Just another Joe]

Speaking of glittery things...

In Melbourne, Florida one of the radio stations paid money (-100--500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300!
She said:
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn’t have any time to spare.
As most women do, I’m sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in “that area,” in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I scooted up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said, “My ...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven’t we?”
I didn’t respond... The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day went normally---some shopping, cleaning, and the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, “Mom, where’s my washcloth?”
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.
She called back, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink.
It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.”

[Just another Joe]

One more then I have to get ready to go sing in a quartet.

Jerry joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous blonde walks by him and Jerry immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Jerry replies “No, what do you mean” She says: “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Jerry continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him The Huge Man says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Jerry replies: “No, what do you mean”
The Huge Man: “You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Jerry around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Jerry rushes back to the nudist colony office, and is greeted by a smiling naked receptionist. “May I help you?”
Jerry says: “Here is your card and key back, you can keep the $500 membership fee.”

“But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...”

Jerry replies: “Listen lady, I am 68 years old, I might get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

[Conspiracy Guy]

She deserved the money.

[MeekOneGOP]

LOL ! Classic ...

[SandyEgo]

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?

Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot."

[Fawnn]

Anytime. I'm here to serve. ;)

[Gabz]

All right already - I'm popping in!!!!!!!

[maxwell]

"Shhhh, they're getting closer... "

Bwahaha... Hey bro, so what's been goin' on around this place? I be in the great wild west for good now. Long strange trip. Well not really, it's been a blast so far.

[itzmygun]

My brother teaches 7th grade English. Every once in a while he will send me some funny excerpts from journals, quizzes, and other assignments done by his students (of course I guess this could also be seen as sort of sad - haha):

*****

Creative Writing

· I would not eat or kill animals unless it was an ant or something, but I wouldn't eat the ants.

· Hunting is a fun way to spend an afternoon. You get to walk through the woods and see animals. Then you get to kill them.

· Vampire bats drink blood everyday. They can consume the amount of blood equal to the amount of 25 cows.

· Giraffes are the only animal that needs 5 minutes of sleep in a 24 hour period. This is because their neck is so long.

· If I couldn't read, I'd die or explode, whichever came first.

· If I couldn't read, I would not like it because it would be hard to have a job. You would not know how to write. And then you would die.

· Manicotti is very easy to make, almost "goof proof" First get some ricotta cheese and manicotti noodles. Then, boil the noodles. I forget the rest, but they taste good when they're done.

· After breakfast, we went to San Francisco, home of Rice-A-Roni.

· How do stoplights work? I always thought there was a little man in the stoplight and he told the cars when to stop and go. I would like to have the stoplight job.

· I'm going to be a doctor at WVU and being a pediatrician because kids always laugh at me. I mean little kids.

· What if I were ruler of the world? It would be OK because I could get anything I wanted. But I would have guards around me all the time and I have no privates.

· I wouldn't care if I had to live with aliens as long as they didn't give me some kind of slime to eat.

Definitions -

bedlam- A bed.

cowling- A baby cow.

squadron- A bird with no feathers.

vital- Organs that you can't live without.

compensation- When you compare something with something.

water moccasin- A waterproof Indian shoe.

writhe- A Spanish tree in some rich guys house.

instinct- Something that is done without you doing it.

lather- Foam and rabies.

scrutinize- Lie, cheat, steal, or kill in the big house.

climax- The climax is very similar when they say that the climax is cool today.

[MeekOneGOP]

So you are all settled in New Mexico now ? Well, ya got the Texas eleven ten holed up in Albuquerque of course. One of them, Whitmire from Houston, came back and is tellin' the others they should do the same ...

[Don W]

I'm Baaaaack!

Only in the USA!


A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"